While Bill in Portland Maine finishes digesting the leftovers from his Thanksgiving dinner (I understand that deep-fried squirrel and pickled sea cucumbers stuffed with guava paste were involved), we here at Awards Edition Plus are bringing you the Cheers and Jeers Monday substitute diary including News of Dubious Veracity Department, an AEP Editorial on "competitive consumerism" by Lenin Cat, You Can't Make This Sh*t Up Department, the Golden Douchenozzle Award and of course, some Cheers and Jeers and more!
Follow me over the divider-doodle for a splash in the Cesspool of Snark©.
--commonmass AKA OtherBill™ in Portland, Maine
Awards Edition Plus strives to lower the standards for political humor and general satire well below anything which could possibly be considered good taste and as far below the standards of Cheers and Jeers as possible. Remember the AEP motto: "Every time John Waters reads Awards Edition Plus, he throws up a little in his mouth". Oh, and the Humane Society makes me say this: no pooties or woozles were harmed in the writing of AEP, though we do test our snark on Newt Gingrich. If he doesn't laugh, we know it's funny.
A Quick Note from OtherBill™
Ever since BiPM took his "computerless" trek to Minneapolis this June it seems I have ended up being some kind of de-facto coordinator for these sub diaries. Every single one of them, by all of our volunteers, have been fabulous. It is really an honor to get to write these though whew! what a tough audience. Since we're coming to the year's end, I want to thank all of you who have written sub diaries--I won't try to name you all because I'll forget someone and then you'll have Grover Norquist drown me in a bathtub. However, I will thank Another Massachusetts Liberal for taking on the thankless job of writing Friday's Left Coast Edition. I couldn't be there in real time but I read it. It was wonderful. Thanks, Cheers and Jeers substitute diarists team. You guys rock, and I know Bill appreciates it. --CM
Awards Edition Plus Editorial
by Lenin Cat
COMPETITIVE CONSUMERISM
Karl Marx on a Cracker! Have you all seen this diary? Or, perhaps this one? Just type "Black Friday" into the nifty Daily Kos search engine and you'll find all sorts of stuff about "competitive shoppers" using pepper spray to beat the crowd to $2 waffle irons or the police using excessive force unnecessarily. Has the reaction of some authorities around the nation to the #Occupy movement been co-opted by "consumers"? Has the reaction of those authorities been co-opted by mall cops?
As H.L. Mencken said, "Nobody ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public". Mencken was certainly not any friend of progressives, but he certainly was a friend of snark and I think he was on to something.
What some of these shenanigans surrounding Black Friday prove is that it's not just the "powers that be" that the #Occupy movement is protesting, calling attention to, highlighting. It is trying to call our attention to the fact that our society and its culture is so diseased, so debased, so selfish, and so shallow that we are literally eating each other alive. Over $2 waffle irons. Shame.
--Lenin Cat
Speaking of H. L. Mencken.....
The GOP Presidential Candidates According to Mencken
Mitt Romney: "The demagogue is one who preaches doctrines he knows to be untrue to men he knows to be idiots."
Newt Gingrich: "Whenever you hear a man speak of his love for his country, it is a sign that he expects to be paid for it."
Herman Cain: "All men are frauds. The only difference between them is that some admit it. I myself deny it. "
Michele Bachmann: "It is even harder for the average ape to believe that he has descended from man. "
Jon Huntsman: "It is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull. "
Ron Paul: "Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want and deserve to get it good and hard. "
Rick Perry: "Platitude: an idea (a) that is admitted to be true by everyone, and (b) that is not true."
News of Dubious Veracity Department
Via the Manchester Union Screeder:
Newt Gingrich Endorsed By the Dixville Notch Grange
Dixville Notch, NH. The tiny town of Dixville Notch, known for being the first town in the country to publish their election returns, has a ringing endorsement for Newt Gingrich: from the local Grange. Grange spokesman Archand LePetomaine told the Screeder "Of all of the candidates, Newt has certainly been a great patron of husbandry. After all, he has been married three times...
And now a word from our sponsor...today's installment of Awards Edition Plus is brought to you by
"Moxie Makes Mainers Mighty!" Oh, and yes, Blanche, there really is a Moxie Festival.
You Can't Make This Sh*t Up Department
Courtesy of Kossack Horace Boothroyd III:
Ever see those John 3:16 bumper stickers and t-shirts and such? Well, atheist blogger Zinnia Jones has a very different kind of Biblical message-on-a-t-shirt. You can see it Here. All I have to say is I dated a guy once who resembled Ezekiel 23:20...The best part? It's also available in black!.
And now, without further ado, it's...
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Wait, that's not it. Hold on, it's here somewhere...shoot! Well, I'll find it...
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Ah, here it is....let's try this again...without further ado,
The Golden Douchenozzle Award Nominees!!!
[out of tune brass fanfare, weaksauce cymbal crash]
The Golden Douchenozzle Award is given periodically for rank hypocrisy and general asshattery on behalf of public officials and media personalities, as well as the coveted Keanu Reeves Douchenozzle Award for Most Vapid Celebrity.
Here are our nominees. AEP would like to thank Kossacks Horace Boothroyd III and Chrislove for their contributions to today's list:
Newt Gingrich Newt wants to fire school janitors and replace them with child labor. Specifically, economically disadvantaged students. Way to go, Newtina. I am waiting for Rick Perry to try to one-up him by advocating bringing back workhouses, and Michele Bachmann to ramp it up by sharing her recipe for Irish babies at the next round of debates.
Curtis Bowers Here's how Chris put it in his nomination:
There are many reasons former Idaho legislator Curtis Bowers is deserving of the Golden Douchenozzle Award. Not content with displaying his asshattery in Idaho newspapers by writing letters to the editor about Communism going mainstream in America, Bowers has made a documentary all about how President Obama has direct ties with the Communist Party. Agenda: Grinding America Down, which is just now getting some attention, makes one long for the sanity of McCarthy-era HUAC hearings. According to an elaborate diagram put together through extensive “research” and “investigation” by Bowers himself, Karl Marx, the Communist Party USA, feminism, the gay rights movement, the Democratic Party, and President Obama are all intricately linked (with the obligatory mention of Bill Ayers, of course). For the simple reason that he makes Joe McCarthy look good in comparison, Curtis Bowers deserves the Golden Douchenozzle.
Sam Brownback I don't know about his back, but his shirt sure seems brown. This story goes to show you that right wing-nuts don't like to pick on people their own size: they prefer 18 year old girls to bully. I agree with Emma Sullivan on this one: Brownback blows. I wonder if Brownback has a recipe for Irish babies? What a douchenozzle. (hat tip to Horace Boothroyd III for the linky and the next nomination,too).
Bill Looman doesn't want to hire until "Obama is gone". This Georgia businessman has jumped on the Congressional Republicans' bandwagon, apparently. Wreck and obstruct until you get your way. I mean, come on--any three year old child knows how to do that. The difference, of course, between the three year old and these folks is that the three year old is potty trained.
Peter Waldron is talking to God again, and God's telling him Bachmann is the one! All I can say is click on the linky and read the diary. Have some Pepto handy, and a cool washcloth for your forehead. You'll need it.
Michele Bachmann First she said there is no more sexism in America. Now she's "wondering" about whether or not it might be part of why her campaign is foundering. I have news for you, little Ms. Princess Perfect, it has nothing to do with the fact you don't have a penis. It has to do with the fact that you don't have a brain. Although I do have to give Bachmann this: she should pal around with Rick Perry more often, because he makes her look brilliant by comparison.
John Kyl is worried about "taxing people who create jobs". Same old meme, different pie-hole. Sen. Kyl, it's you that are taxing. Taxing on the nerves. You'd better get up to speed, Senator, because the people who actually create the wealth for those "job creators" aka the people who actually produce stuff and do the work are getting mighty fed up with you 1% types. Total out-of-touch 1-percenter supply-side douchenozzle. Totally.
Got another nominee? Leave it in the comments!
Thank you for joining us for Awards Edition Plus. What are we cheering and jeering about today? Enquiring Kossacks want to know! The cesspool is open, come on in, the water is frothy and fetid, just how we like it! Happy Monday, all!
[Note: Commonmass' Winter expenses are mounting while job prospects are not. Anyone who cares to chip in may see me in private.