(Everything is from real news stories and is true except for the later funny part)
Why Americans Are Getting Ginormously Humongously Larger-Sized
REAL CLASSIFIED: "FOR SALE/BABY CAR SEAT/FITS 30-1100 POUNDS"
1. You can now buy a motorized ice-cream cone that spins so you don't have to lick it, you just stick out your tongue. That’s why I was going to call this “ARE WE GETTING EVEN FATTER AND LAZIER?”
2. Dieting is almost impossible in America now. The Outback Steakhouse has cheese fries that are 2,900 calories. We are supposed to have 2,000-3,000 calories a DAY, not as an appetizer.
3. I read a Jamba Juice has almost as many calories as a Ben & Jerry's, so I went back to the Ben & Jerry's.
4. Kentucky Fried Chicken has a new sandwich which uses fried chicken as the bread. I might as well have the trainee behind the counter shoot me in the head.
I finally got down from 305 (I’m 6-5) to 260 with 20 to go. I was afraid I would get to the The Third Stage of Big-Guyness.
THE THREE STAGES OF BIG GUY-NESS
Stage One: You have to unbutton your pants after a big meal.
Stage Two: You have to wear all your shirts untucked no matter what.
Stage Three: Sweat pants at a wedding.
5. Frozen yogurt. I have never eaten frozen yogurt. My friend made me go into the frogurt place and I say what flavors do you have? She says, "We have chocolate, strawberry and vanilla fat-free cholesterol-free frozen yogurt. And to put ON it, we have jimmies, sprinkles, plain M&Ms, peanut M&Ms, almond M&M's, peanut butter M&M's, Hershey's Kisses, Heath Bars, Snickers--what would you like on it?" I said, "How about putting some fuckin' Ben & Jerry's on it. What difference could it make at this point?"
6. Denny’s now has a hot-fudge sundae with bacon in it, to which Americans said “What--no whipped cream?” KFC just introduced their “Cheesy Bacon Bowl”, fried cheese, chicken, and bacon, and the response was “Where’s the damn sour cream?!?”
7. We are food obsessed in this country. A man has invented a "Lucky Charms Sifter" which removes just the marshmallows. And WHO SAYS we don't make anything in America anymore?
HEADLINE: "MCFOAM? MCRIB IS FOUND TO CONTAIN SAME INGREDIENT AS GYM MATS"
I just thought they bred cows with no bones. I would not put it past them. Google where their EGGS come from.
9. Kraft's new TV slogan is "Kraft Singles: The American Cheese". Seriously, it is as All-American as you can get: it's flavorless, it's pre-sliced, it's wrapped in plastic, and it's not cheese.
10. TRUE: Costco announced they are adding a new line of caskets to their Coffin Department: very big oversized coffins for the morbidly obese who went all the way with the "morbid" part. I hear that next they will be offering coffins made of Spandex and Jeggings.
11. They are selling a peanut butter and jelly sandwich in a can and they call it the "Canwich". I thought it was lame when I was a kid and they sold the bad peanut butter and weird grape jelly already mixed, but my Mom loved that--it saved a step. Come on--I know what it's like to live alone as a hopeless bachelor, but never, ever, did I say, "I don't have the energy to make this PB&J--WHY doesn't it COME in a CAN?"
12. International House of Pancakes has opened “IHOP Express”. It’s self-serve and has an “interactive syrup bar”, for people who think sitting down and ordering takes too damn long to EAT.
13. KFC is selling a Pepsi "MegaJug!" for $2.99. It's half a gallon, 800 calories, 652 grams of sugar, and one dollar goes to The Juvenile Diabetes Association, I guess to fund their efforts to get children to eat less sugar. To understand the logic please see the etchings of M.C. Escher.
WARNING: They just took an honors-student elementary school student out of his home and away from his parents and put him in foster care? What did he do? Weighed 200 pounds. It’s a thin world, folks. Watch out the Fat Police don’t come and drag you away.
I heard there is a status airlines use now: "Too Fat To Fly". This is sizeism, has the new F-word, and makes people feel really bad. Was on a long road trip in the late 80's 50 flights a year, and they put me on an 18-seater jet. Empty. I sat in the back, put my feet up on an armrest and thought "This is the first time I've had a good seat on a flight." The flight attendant comes back and she says, "I'm sorry, sir, the pilot says you have to sit in the middle to balance the plane." I'll tell you when I'm kidding.
Afterword: Please read some of the amazing comments below. You will find theses on food and dieting and food ingredients and genetics and one guy who thought this was actually funny. Fascinating.