Last Thursday, Jon looked at how all the GOP candidates went to the Republican Jewish Coalition Forum to pander to right-wing Jews.
MICHELE BACHMANN (12/7/2011): The day after I graduated from high school, I left and I took a plane, and I went to work on a kibbutz.
Holy shiksa, we have a winner! Oh my gosh! She worked on a kibbutz! Michele Bachmann loves Israel so much, she was willing to join a socialist collective. Wow!
So you love Israel. But what would you, as President, do for Israel?
MICHELE BACHMANN (12/7/2011): The United States will move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.
"I will get on a plane on my first day as President to Jerusalem, and put a Palestinian in a headlock. I will give them a wedgie. Nurple twirple." Bachmann is killing it! Let's check in on how she's doing on the Yarmulkometer.
Oh! Super Star of David! Wow, all she really needs to do now is stick the landing at the end of her speech. Hit it!
MICHELE BACHMANN (12/7/2011): Shalom malakah.
(awkward pause) All right, good for you, nice to throw down a little of the Hebrew at a Jewish forum, that was nice. That takes a lot of, um....
MICHELE BACHMANN (7/13/2011): He has a lot of choot-spah.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was gonna say, "choot-spah". I was gonna say cajones, but OK.
Video and transcript below the fold.
Actually, talk of the War on Christmas brings me to a fun fact. Did you know that not all Americans celebrate Christmas? It's true. Many American Jews celebrate a completely different holiday called Ch...how come we don't get to celebrate Christmas?
I kid! It's actually called the Republican Jewish Coalition Forum. It's celebrated every four years. For this holiday, Jews commemorate the miracle of incredibly religious Christian presidential candidates fighting over who loves Jews more. "And lo, God provided the Hebrews two good-looking Mormons, though they had prayed for but one!" Well, to be honest, none, they wanted Giuliani, but that's not gonna happen.
So who will win the tuchus kiss-off?
RICK SANTORUM (12/7/2011): Karen and I have been to Israel. ... We bought one of those, you know, tiles that said, "Pray for the peace of Jerusalem", and we have that on our kitchen right above our sink.
Ah! So Santorum opens with, I have one of your tchotchkes. And I was also thinking about buying one of them glass birds that looks like they're drinking, maybe has a little tiny top hat that says Israel, but you know, wouldn't fit in the luggage.
Can anyone top Santorum?
RICK PERRY (12/7/2011): I feel, as Cheryl shared with you, a very special connection to Israel. ... When I first visited the Holy Land, repeatedly been to the Western Wall, that most sacred symbol of where Jewish pilgrims gather to pray today.
Niiiiice. Anybody can grab a souvenir tile at the duty-free at the airport, you went to a ruin. That's gonna be tough to beat.
MICHELE BACHMANN (12/7/2011): The day after I graduated from high school, I left and I took a plane, and I went to work on a kibbutz.
Holy shiksa, we have a winner! Oh my gosh! She worked on a kibbutz! Michele Bachmann loves Israel so much, she was willing to join a socialist collective. Wow!
So you love Israel. But what would you, as President, do for Israel?
12/7/2011:
RICK PERRY: Strategic aid in all forms under a Perry administration, will increase to Israel.
RICK SANTORUM: The United States will stop Iran from getting a nuclear weapon, period.
MITT ROMNEY: Iran's ayatollahs will not be permitted to obtain nuclear weapons.
MICHELE BACHMANN: The United States will move our embassy from Tel Aviv to Jerusalem.
"I will get on a plane on my first day as President to Jerusalem, and put a Palestinian in a headlock. I will give them a wedgie. Nurple twirple." Bachmann is killing it! Let's check in on how she's doing on the Yarmulkometer.
Oh! Super Star of David! Wow, all she really needs to do now is stick the landing at the end of her speech. Hit it!
MICHELE BACHMANN (12/7/2011): Shalom malakah.
(awkward pause) All right, good for you, nice to throw down a little of the Hebrew at a Jewish forum, that was nice. That takes a lot of, um....
MICHELE BACHMANN (7/13/2011): He has a lot of choot-spah.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I was gonna say, "choot-spah". I was gonna say cojones, but OK.
In the end, the big winner at the forum was one Newt Gingrich, who received State of the Union-esque applause, standing ovations, and the kind of laughter that Jackie Mason would kill for, and has.
NEWT GINGRICH (12/7/2011): I will, in the acceptance speech, challenge the President to seven 3-hour debates. ... I will concede in advance that he can use a teleprompter. (wild audience applause)
Did you hear that? We did not add the lady going "GGEEEEAAAAHHHHH!!!" That's how funny Jews think teleprompter jokes are.
Could Mitt Romney, Newt's main rival, match him? He got applause, he actually, too, got a standing ovation at the end of his speech, things are looking good for Mitt.
MITT ROMNEY (12/7/2011): Remember the George Costanza line, when they're laughing by applauding, you sit down. Ha ha ha ha ha.
Oh! Misquoting Seinfeld in front of a Jewish audience, that's gonna cost ya! See, first of all, it's not a George Costanza line, it's Jerry's line!
JERRY SEINFELD: Showmanship, George, when you hit that high note, say good night and walk off.
And you got the line wrong. It'd be like standing up there and saying, "Like the fascist soup vendor used to say, I am afraid that I am out of delicious soup." Ah ah ah ah ah. Newberg! How does that affect Romney's rank on the Yarmulkometer?
Oh, he's at real mensch, no, he's down to "I have no candidate"! I have no candidate!
Interestingly, the one candidate absent from the debate was Ron Paul. He's doing very well in the polls, but according to RJC executive director Matt Brooks, Paul was left out because the Republican Jewish Council (sic) "rejects his misguided and extreme views" on Israel.
Oh wow, misguided and extreme. Oh my God. Has he suggested Israel has no right to exist? Or that it be exchanged for Rhode Island and a state to be named later?
10/18/2011:
ANDERSON COOPER: Would you cut aid to Israel?
RON PAUL: I would cut all foreign aid. I would treat everybody equally and fairly.
Good call, not inviting any presidential candidates to your forum who might disagree with you. Wouldn't want to turn it into a debate. You know, if there's one thing Jews can't stand, it's... arguing.
Jon also had a response to Bill O'Reilly after he took it personally to Jon's mocking declaration of a "War on Christmas".
Aasif Mandvi then looked at how the new app
Tap Fish is actually getting unsuspecting kids to spend lots of their parents' money.
Jon then talked with former RNC chair
Ed Gillespie. It went long, so they threw it up online in two segments.
Part 1
Part 2
Meanwhile, Stephen looked at how Michigan is using taxpayer money to buy snow cone machines as a tool in fighting terrorism.
Then he had a hilarious
Cheating Death segment on the anti-vax loons.
Stephen then had a great segment on
Rick Perry's infamous anti-gay ad.
Stephen then sat down to talk with none other than
Jack Abramoff.
Update: Oh my God, thank you!!! I checked back in today, and this site has completely changed for me! Thank you so much to the Kossack who gave me a lifetime subscription!! :-D