I'm in it right now.
But, I'm peeking out to say thank you. To an anonymous lovely who decided I might benefit from a lifetime subscription to dKos. "Happy Holidays Dreaming of Better Days! We met in Pittsburgh at the NN, and you enriched my life with your words and presence." they wrote in my donotreply notification.
Their words touched my heart more than I can express. I was pretty much a mess at NN09 in Pittsburgh. I'd lost my father to cancer about four weeks before that gathering and my divorce was just two weeks away from being final. Divorce from my husband of 30 years.
In the time since that convention, I moved away from family to a place of sunny beauty and solitude. The time did me good. It gave me the time and space I needed to grieve and heal a bit.
In May of last year, my mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, along with lymph involvement and bone cancer. In September of this year, the cancer metastasized to her lungs. Her doctor talked her into retiring. Considering she'll be 80 come April, I guess it's time, right? She and I aren't close emotionally or logistically, but it still is what it is.
Over the last month, I moved back to where I moved from - north central Texas. I had some additional health issues show themselves last October that showed me I needed to be closer to familiar faces, so I began to make loose moving plans. Something was calling me back to the area I'd moved from and as the move began to gel, it became clear that this is where I was meant to be because it carried itself out like the gods supervised it.
I knew the day I got back here that I was guided back here to care for my ex. Without getting into all the painful details, I've spent the last weeks unpacking and going to doctors' appointments and testing facilities with him. Yesterday, surgery showed an adenocarcinoma of the colon. The onocologist is waiting for the full pathology report; tomorrow we'll know the staging.
F*ck. Life sure rolls funny. I'm extremely exhausted and have become mostly silent around here. To those of you that it matters to, know I'm still here, quietly, often silently, watching from the shadows. It's not personal, it's just my way. I need to be quiet now. The world needs talkers and listeners. I'm pretty good at listening. Just know that I care - because I do - I'm just really bad about expressing it.
Not much of a diary, I know. I'm sorry. It's the best I can come up with; I'm a bit twisted right now.
I just wanted to thank my caring and lovely anonymous subscription donor and those of you who've taken the time to message me here and email me from time to time. I'm here, shaky but on my feet. Thanks to all of my friends here.
One last thing . . . happy birthday (tomorrow), OPOL; I hope you do something nice for you.