Eleven days after hearing the news that my cancer is indeed in retreat, I am still getting used to the idea that I will be around for a good long time after all.
There are no guarantees, I acknowledge that freely. It’s entirely possible that I will backslide at the next scan, or the scan after that…. Only time will tell. But earlier this summer and fall, I approached most events and milestones (holidays, weddings, birthdays) mindful of the real possibility that each one might be the last one of its type for me. Having a heightened awareness of the fragility of life, my life in particular, sometimes had positive effects. But much of the time, I found it to be very burdensome. I felt as though I had an extra responsibility to make sure that each moment were particularly special and memorable, a duty to keep peace and maintain harmony among my fractious family, a charge to remain upbeat and cheerful despite often feeling afraid and exhausted.
So paradoxically enough, I feel more liberated now to behave more honestly in the moment, having been given at least a temporary reprieve from staring down death. I even felt optimistic enough to consider buying myself a Lifetime Subscription, calculating that I have pretty good odds of living the three years it takes to become cost-effective.
And then, humbling me once again, I received the notice this morning that someone gave me a sub instead. The message from Anonymous was “We’re thinking of you!”
I thank you, Anonymous, for validating my belief that I will be around long enough to get good value from this subscription. For endorsing my presence here, as comparatively new as it is. For contributing to the well-being of my family and me. That’s true both financially, because it’s only gonna get tighter around here next year and the year after that (as far as I can tell), and emotionally, because I depend on the community here to help me keep going in real life, too.
As one venerable feminist slogan puts it, “the personal is political.” Although we all struggle to make our understandings of that interface comprehensible to others, the existence of this site enables making those connections visible (to ourselves and each other) better than most other venues I’ve ever experienced. Just as I am learning that the distinction between bodymind is an artificial one, I’d also argue that the differentiation between “virtual” and “real” communities is specious. I don’t know what I’d do without all of you.
Despite what Nurse Kelley told me the other day, I’m looking forward to the opening of the small donor pool so that I can pass it forward even a bit. All our efforts together do make a difference. I have a quilt that reminds me of that every day and every night.
Thank you, those who have been behind this incredible drive. Thank you, everybody, for being part of Daily Kos, sharing your wonderful quirky irreducible selves. Thanks, Kos, for starting it in the first place and continuing to kick it up. Thank you, thank you, thank you to one and all.
Edit: In case anyone wants the background about my good news, here's a link to my diary of 12/5/11.