From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
>> A key difference between Barack Obama and the Republican candidates running against him: if one of the bulbs in the president's head goes out the others stay lit.
>> I support mining for minerals on the moon as long as an alien bursts out of a miner's chest every once in awhile to keep it interesting.
>> Now available in your local grocer's deli section: Good King Wences slaw
>> Still waiting for Joe Biden to fulfill his vice-presidential duties by blowing the cover of a CIA operative out of petty revenge and then shooting a lawyer in the face. Hop to it, man!
>> I know of a word that rhymes with orange. I'll take it to my grave.
>> Bing Crosby and David Bowie once sang a duet of Little Drummer Boy. Even 34 years later, that's trippy, man.
>> My Person of the Year was going to be "The Protester" until TIME stole my idea. So my new Person of the Year is Yan Lam, owner of The Oriental Table here in Portland. His sesame chicken is so good, the only thing you'll protest is your last bite. Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!!
>> If George W. Bush gets two terms, then Barack Obama sure as fucking hell gets two terms.
>> How could Tea Party Republicans in the House be so stupid?!! Hint: they're Tea Party Republicans in the House.
>> Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. Every time you hold in a fart an angel explodes.
>> If you're not 100% satisfied with Cheers and Jeers, I offer a 100% money-back guarantee. Minus the 100% restocking fee, of course.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, December 22, 2011
Note: Here's our posting schedule for the rest of the week and beyond:
Today: No C&J unless it happens via immaculate conception [Update: Wow---it's a miracle!!!]
Tomorrow: A Very Special West Coast C&J
Monday: A Very Special Absence of C&J
Tuesday-Friday: A Very Special Look Back at 2011 Through the Eyes of a 47 Year-old Child.
Bring rum balls. I'm all out.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the 2012 Summer Olympic Games in London: 217
Days `til the San Diego Tango festival: 7
Rank of the U.S. among nations in terms of charitable giving this year, up from #5 last year: #1
(Source: BBC)
Percent of 980 Chinese millionaires who say they're thinking of emigrating or have already started the process of doing so: 60%
Rank of the U.S., Canada and Singapore among their top destinations: #1, #2, #3
(Source: Asia Times via The Week)
Weight of this year's White House gingerbread house: 400 lbs
Number of decorated trees in the White House: 37
(Source: The Washington Post)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Holiday cheers to everyone from the Americans in Iraq, the Iraqis, and the people who had to eat bugs on reality shows this year.
And a Merry Christmas to all, including people who have white Christmas trees decorated entirely with purple balls. Merry Christmas to the Red states and the Blue states, to the R's and D's, and to all the troops stationed in Afghanistan, including the French troops there – Mais oui, Christmas, y'all.
---December, 2004
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Ommmmm….
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I'll let Meteor Blades announce the first item via his headline from yesterday: THREE CHEERS for the Obama administration's new mercury and acid emissions rules. Yes, indeed. While the Republicans tried to figure out how to escape the corner they'd painted themselves into over the payroll tax-cut extension, President Obama was making big boy grownup decisions on the environment that sound like the proverbial Big Fuckin' Deal:
The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has finalized the first-ever national standards to reduce mercury and other toxic air emissions---like arsenic, acid gas, and cyanide---from power plants, which are the largest sources of this pollution in the United States. …
When fully implemented, these new standards will, on an annual basis, help prevent:
• Up to 11,000 premature deaths;
• 2,800 cases of chronic bronchitis;
• 130,000 asthma attacks;
• 540,000 days when people miss work or school.
American companies and workers will provide much of the equipment and labor needed to meet the substantial investments in pollution controls that these standards will generate.
Yay. I'm looking forward to eating fish with one head again.
CHEERS and JEERS to wearing white way after Labor Day. Autumn ended this morning at 12:30 ET, and was replaced with the season popularly known as "#!@*%!! winter!" Thankfully, it's coming in more lambish (60 in D.C. today) than lionish, after a late-fall blizzard walloped the south. Oh, and it's also the shortest and darkest day of the year, so at least we can look forward to teeny tiny slivers of extra light from now through June. And now, to paraphrase Jon Stewart, here it is: your Moment of Stonehenge.
JEERS to GOleaPfrog. For those of you just tuning in to the Iowa caucus race, here's what happened: first Romney led, then Trump led, then Bachmann led, then Perry led, then Cain led, then Gingrich---Gingrich!!!---led, and now Ron Paul leads. And in other news, the Republican party wants you to remember that, whether you agree with 'em or not, at least you'll always know where they stand. Which at the moment appears to be in bare feet on a bed of hot coals.
JEERS to the scandal that just keeps on scandaling. Just when you think the church-abuse allegations have finally been wrung through the wringer, Surprise! Now it's Holland's turn:
As many as 20,000 children endured sexual abuse at Dutch Catholic institutions over the past 65 years, and church officials failed to adequately address it or help the victims, according to a long-awaited investigative report released Friday. The findings detailed some of the most widespread abuse yet linked to the Roman Catholic Church, which has been under fire for years over abuse allegations in Europe, the United States and elsewhere.
Meanwhile there are rumblings that the Pope may be dying. One cause we can safely rule out ahead of time: shame.
CHEERS to the Meeting of the Titans. 70 years ago today---two weeks after America was attacked at Pearl Harbor---President Roosevelt met with British Prime Minister Winston Churchill in Washington, D.C. (the Arcadia Conference) to plot their strategy against Germany and Japan. They came up with the following ten-point plan:
1. Declare war on Canada
2. Send too few troops to the field of battle
3. Let lawless private mercenaries do much of the heavy lifting
4. Allow companies formerly run by the vice president to win no-bid contracts and rake in obscene profits while providing shitty services
5. Ask for no sacrifice from the people and tell them to go shopping instead
6. Don't give the troops the equipment they need to win battles and protect themselves
7. Taunt the enemy by telling them to "Bring it on!"
8. Botch the reconstruction
9. Cut taxes at the same time
10. Leave office in disgrace six years later having failed to finish the job
Thank god they both sobered up. No one could be that dumb.
JEERS to today's Stupidest Eff'ing Idiot on the Planet. Columnist Matt Barber, who is considered a major---Oxymoron Alert!---conservative intellectual, tries to make the case that gays can magically change their sexual orientation and therefore they deserve no civil rights until they become card-carrying heterosexuals. But his opening premise is one of the most heroic distortions of the year:
Those bent on justifying the homosexual lifestyle often claim that there are umpteen million---or somewhere thereabouts---species of "gay" animals in the world.
I gently---ever so gently---tried to nudge the switch in his brain to "ON" via email:
You really should delete that column. It makes you look like an idiot. Your opening premise is a lie. Nobody ever said that. What is, however, true, is that there are documented cases of homosexual members WITHIN various species. Nobody ever said an entire species was gay.
If that's what passes these days for right-wing logic in the losing battle against gay civil rights, then you might as well just raise the white flag now.
No response yet, but I rented a battleship for the surrender ceremony, just in case.
CHEERS to green, blue, yellow, orange, red and white. On December 22, 1882, the first string of Christmas tree lights was created by Thomas Edison. But then---Bzzzt!---one bulb burned out. I believe his heirs are still trying to find it.
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Five years ago in C&J: December 22, 2006
JEERS to flunking geography. Weekly (Low) Standard editor and Iraq war cheerleader Bill Kristol appeared on The Daily Show Tuesday and got tangled up in his own argument:
Kristol: Bush has been right about taking the war to them, not letting them come to us. [...]
Jon Stewart: In 1993 they bombed the World Trade Center, and they didn’t bomb again until, what, 2001? That's, what, eight years? So Clinton needs more credit than Bush, it would seem.
Kristol: Well, they attacked Africa in 1998.
Africa...Africa...Hmm. That's between North and South Dakota, right?
JEERS to the Wal-Mart President. At his press conference Wednesday, George Bush had some inspiring advice for a country caught in the middle of a bloody civil war halfway around the world: "I encourage you all to go shopping more." I hope the Discount Impeachment Outlet takes plastic.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the perfect gift for the jerks in your life. And now a word from our sponsor…
Hello, friends! This holiday season, it's important to remember all the wonderful people in your life who have been good to you this year.
At the same time, it's also important to remember those bastards and jerks who lied, cheated, swindled, insulted, extorted, threatened and otherwise crapped all over you in 2011. And America's coal industry will be there to help you express your true feelings!
For the CEO who cancels employee bonuses except for the senior executive staff…
...for the health insurance provider who makes your life a living hell of paperwork, denials, and endless hoops.
...for the neighbors who backed over your tulips and then denied it, even though the tire marks in your garden matched their Hummer's.
...for the political candidate who tells you to shut up, sit down, get a job and take a bath.
...for the cop who stole your tent and pepper-sprayed you at point-blank range.
...for your sister-in-law who still sends you emails questioning the president's citizenship.
...for the "friendly, at-your-service" loan officer who promised to work with you on refinancing your mortgage while secretly foreclosing on your property behind your back.
For everyone on your list who made your life miserable this year, there's only one holiday gift you can rely on to adequately say, "Suck on this, ya big jerk!" So call now and order a heapin' helpin' of COAL!!! One glance at that lump of bituminous blackness and they'll get your message loud and clear.
Available in lignite, flame coal, gas coal, anthracite, coke and---for those really nasty peckerheads---coal fly ash slurry! Order today and get FREE shipping!
Coal: when you're pissed-off enough to send the very worst.
This message brought to you by the Holiday Coal Consortium, conveniently located next to that mountain over there with the top blown off. Wishing you and yours a holiday filled with glad tidings of mercury and joy!
Oh, and you should also send some to people who say, "Have a nice day!"
Have a nice day! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
When the winter doldrums start to set in, nothing jump-starts your adrenaline like a frozen T-shirt contest, a snow bath, or an outhouse race in Cheers and Jeers.
---USA Today
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