It had been a rough week. I had about a year behind me of abated depression, some semblance of hope for my near future, and was temporarily settled into a foggy sort of vague contentedness that comes with significantly lowered expectations. But something happened over the weekend and that rickety structure came crashing down in a huge thud and a ball of tears. The thread I had been dangling from for so long snapped.
Monday was repair day. A knot was tied in that thread and it seems to be holding. It’s still a thin thread. Then the all day headaches came. I get many kinds; two types of migraines, tension headaches, hormonal headaches, weather change headaches. Maybe I’m too sensitive for my own good. Or so they tell me.
Tuesday, the knot in my thread was still holding, the headaches moved just outside my brain, and I got caught up in a tangle of students and two small client jobs, plus the sort of thing the self-employed and teachers know all too well – a lot of unbillable work – but plodding along and wondering for how much longer I could settle back into this fog of tolerable semi-unhappiness that has defined my life for way too many years.
I was so busy with a zillion little details on Tuesday, that I did not check my website email account until later in the afternoon... and there it was. I cannot really spell the verbal squeeeeeee that came forth out of me, as I was washed over with a wave of what I could only call love.
Someone, some lovely and generous anonymous soul, someone out there had bought me a lifetime subscription to Daily Kos. They sent it with this personal message:
Because the personal is political. Keep writing. Keep dreaming. Never, never, never give up.
I came here right away to play with my shiny new toy. No ads staring into my peripheral vision trying to grab my attention! No screen jumping and jerking around until it eventually settles down somewhere! I joined a few comment threads in other gratitude diaries. Some of what I wrote has been spelled out further in this diary. But I also noted: I was gifted sometime this afternoon, as were a number of other people. I’m still flying high, and yes, kitties can fly.
It’s all Sarah Palin’s fault. Or maybe it’s Keith Olbermann’s fault.
All I remember is the morning after the Democratic National Convention in late August 2008, I was standing by the radio, tuned to WHYY, and listening to the news of McCain’s pick for Vice President. Who the f#@% is Sarah Palin? And how will I get an accurate picture of who this person really is? Well, before Comcast became all comcastic and cut our service down to the bone, we did get MSNBC, and this thing called Daily Kos was mentioned enough on Countdown that I decided I would go there myself on the intertubes, and see what was what.
I was instantly hooked. Wow! Here were all these intelligent and sharp and knowledgeable and interesting people, from my side of the political spectrum, who, even better, had a quick wit and sometimes hilarious sense of humor. (Are you buttered up enough yet?) Oooh. I like this place. I kept coming back. I lurked for a month, and then I jumped into the pool as asterkitty, and the rest is history. And herstory. And mystory and yourstory. Ourstories.
I have been doing without a lot in the past ten years. Much of that is economically-based. I’m in a weird position, in that I do have decently-paid skills, but could not get hired for the life of me, and the self-employed here are particularly punished. My hourly rate is 80% of what comparable graphic designers received twenty years ago. Which would be fine if the cost of living, and the cost of being self-employed, were 20% lower than what they were twenty years ago. It would also be fine if I averaged more than 10–12 hours a week of paid work.
However, what has really been lacking for me since moving here has nothing to do with economics, but just with me being in the wrong place for me. I miss having a community. I am surrounded by all sorts of communities, but I never found a way into any of them. At this late stage, that’s okay. I have friends, many are wonderful people and I adore them to pieces, but there’s nothing that echoes the various communities I had before and hope to have again someday, somewhere else.
But I found that sense of community at Daily Kos. All you have to do is show up, have an open mind, an open heart, and contribute with words and/or pictures. That’s all you have to do. I found the community I was looking for, and now it’s a forever home.
I have gained so much by being here; insight into complex issues, understanding of political processes, a view into what is really going on with real people (and not just statistics), the news as it breaks, and I now know how to effing boom an oil spill. You have given me beautiful photo diaries to peruse, virtual pooties to pet (we’re so poor, I have to be my own cat), yummy recipes, helpful hints, interesting and heartfelt slice-of-life stories to read, and many, many other things (including delicious snark) to make me smile or laugh just when I need it the most.
I learned that I am not alone.
Some days I quietly read and rec. Some days you can’t shut me up, I have so much to say and comment upon. I’ve become a better writer just by reading all the great writing here. It’s all your fault, and I collectively love you for it.
Ultimately... whoever gifted me, you have no idea the good you have done. Things have been tight for ten years now, ever since I moved to PA. In 2011 I finally rose above the poverty line, after nine tenuous years, to a whole 140% of poverty, so that is an improvement. I have rent, utilities, groceries and a few other basics covered. Bus tokens, trips to the thrift store, extremely rare train travel every few years to another state to visit a loved one... and not much more. There is so much I need in the short run; from paint to health care, let alone the need to save up so we can move into a better situation (not happening yet)... a subscription was not even on the radar.
But I LOOOOOVE it. Best Chanukah gift ever! I love the speed, the lack of ads in my peripheral vision, the sense of ‘this is my neighborhood now’, but mostly knowing that someone out there, possibly a few someones (also, whoever nominated me and put me on the day-one list) cares enough, wants me around enough, thinks I’m an important part of this oh-so-special community... You’ve placed the ground beneath my feet. If my thread should break again before I can replace it with a sturdier cord, I now know the fall is not very far, and I should land on my feet no matter what. With my deepest gratitude, I sincerely thank you. Mwah!
One Dry Pint of Happy
©2008, Alexandria Levin
[If you want to subscribe or give someone else a life-time subscription, click here.]