'Twas the day before Christmas, and all through the land
All the candidates went to events that they'd planned.
There were breakfasts, and lunches, and dinners galore;
There were so many speeches their throats became sore.
Late last night, on their bus, they'd been snug in their beds,
While a vision of victory danced in their heads.
But today, there would never be time for a nap;
Just a flight or a drive to some dot on the map.
Then from deep in Virginia, there came such a clatter!
The media sprang to see what was the matter,
And found that, despite spending mountains of cash,
Two front-runners' efforts were gone in a flash.
In Virginia, no votes go to Gingrich or Perry,
So Christmas, for them, will be much less than merry.
"Too few signatures gathered", the state's rationale; it
Appears that their names won't appear on the ballot.
"Just get 10,000 signatures, as the state asked.
Go and get'em!" the candidates' staffers were tasked.
"There are five million voters!" and out they were sent,
Their goal to go gather just point-two percent.
But even so few was, it seems, just too many;
They may well have not bothered gathering any.
A few scattered thousands, their meager collection,
And these two are out of this March's election.
You'd think, with their millions, and well-paid promoters,
They'd maybe connect with a handful of voters.
But Perry's aw-shuckness, and Gingrich's "greatness"
Meant nothing: their campaigns were vanquished by lateness.
Oh, the horror! The anger! The utter dismay
On this Christmas-y Eve of a Christmas-y Day!
Yes, for Perry and Gingrich, the end of the race--
In Virginia, at least, where they're gone with no trace.
In Virginia, their campaigns fell in on themselves,
Like the work of some angry, malevolent elves.
And the candidates face these Virginia defeats,
Where the Klown Kar continues with two empty seats.
But while many rejoice at this most recent reason
To laugh at this silliest GOP season,
Remember, before you go off with a grin:
While those two may be out, all the others are in.
Now I'm through here; I've had a few minutes of fun,
But tomorrow is Christmas; there's work to be done.
So I'll leave you with this: as I head out the door,
To the GOP wannabes, let me implore:
"Now Bachmann, now Romney, now Hunstman, now Perry,
And Gingrich--yes, you of the multiple-marry--
Santorum, and Johnson, and even Ron Paul:
Please go away! Go away! Go away all!"