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Po Po Po, Merry Austeritymas!  I'll bet if you still had a house, Jolly Old St. Nick would have visited it last night.  Unfortunately, the foreclosed property he did visit was owned by the bank, so police were dispatched when a break-in was reported and he was shot to death when they mistook a candy cane for a machine gun.  Fighter jets were subsequently dispatched by NorthCom to shoot down the surviving reindeer who fled from the scene.  On Smasher, On Cancer, On Richard M. Nixon!  Vomit, and Stupid, and Boehner, and something or other.  But let's not forget Adolf the Red State Reindeer - he had a very shiny Rolls Royce.  All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names until he had them arrested by Homeland Security.

From the people who brought you Great Depression 2, the Republican Party - in association with TeaPAC - is proud to present AusteritymasTM, featuring Satan Claus:

santa

Po Po Po!  What would you like for Austeritymas, little boy/girl?  Well isn't that cute?  Tell you what - Satan Claus is going to give you the best gift of all: A brochure for careers at McDonald's so that you can plan for a future where some day you can afford, with your very own hard-earned money, to buy bus fare to go see a rich person and beg them for that!  And if you're super-humble about it, maybe Mr. Romney will grant your request.

Satan Claus doesn't come in through the chimney - that's called breaking and entering, and would justify lethal force by the property owner.  He breaks down the door with a SWAT team battering ram, executes your pets in front of your children, and then ceremonially urinates on your furniture to teach them about trickle-down economics.  

Instead of a big Christmas tree, Austeritymas can be celebrated on a budget by decorating a clump of seaweed with glitter and bunched-up balls of tinfoil.  Just plop it right down in the corner of your motel room next to the vibrating bed coin slot.  Gifts from the vending machines three doors down can be arrayed around the Austeritymas Clump for the bright-eyed youngsters to discover in the morning.  Smell the cheer:

seaweed

Instead of a mistletoe, scotch-tape a clod of navel lint over the doorway and one of the local former-schoolteachers-turned-street-hookers will give you a 5% discount in honor of Austeritymas.  Celebrate the season!

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