From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
And Then Things Got Kinda Nutty
The third quarter of 2011 was punctuated by a series of Republican Tea Party debates in which we learned that Latinos = illegal immigrants (Santorum), the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation (Bachmann), Social Security is a Ponzi scheme (Perry), "999" has the same power over the weak-minded as "These aren’t the droids you're looking for" (Cain), the media can kiss my ass (Gingrich), the candidate with the most executions on his record (Perry again) gets a standing ovation, and ten dollars in spending cuts for every dollar increase in revenue is heresy (all of them, including Jon Huntsman, the allegedly sane one).
The debates played like a circus music soundtrack over the other events that happened in July, August and September, of which, hard as it is to believe, there were some (like the birth of a baby movement that was wrapped in swaddling denim and gently placed on an air mattress in Zuccotti Park.) Below the fold is part three in our C&J lookback series, 2011: Is It 2012 Yet? (SPOILER ALERT: Father Time is on life support.)
C&J goes steps in the DeLorean and hits the gas... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
By the Numbers: C&J poll results from July through September, 2011
Percent of Kossacks who support a repeal of the Defense of Marriage Act, which denies federal recognition of gay marriages: 92%
Percent who approve of the new Martin Luther King, Jr. Memorial on the National Mall: 93%
Percent who are against the Keystone XL pipeline that would funnel tar sands oil from Canada to the Gulf of Mexico: 83%
Percent who gave the president's jobs plan an 'A': 19% (45% gave it a B)
Percent who are disappointed that no Republican presidential candidate has produced a valid birth certificate: 90%
Percent who support the Occupy Wall Street protesters: 92%
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Puppy Pic of the Day: McJoan and McMom searched shelters high and low for the perfect pup. In a word: Success!
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Cheers and Jeers 2011 Flashback: July
America turns 235. Thanks to botox, we barely look 185.
Thaddeus McCotter throws his hat in the GOP ring. His supporter is thrilled.
Promoting Denise Oliver-Velez (aka Deoliver47) to the front page instantly makes Daily Kos---[Clickety clackety clickety clack…Ding!]---27.8 percent classier.
Congress and the President deal with the debt ceiling issue by drawing out the process as long as possible with empty threats and pointless rhetoric, followed by massive proposed GOP budget cuts that hack away at services for the least among us, plus the closing of one loophole (no more subsidized hair gel for anyone making over $1 billion a week) and another extension of the Bush tax cuts and jail time for Elizabeth Warren (of course) and an automatic 75 electoral-vote head start to the Republican nominee for president. All in the spirit of bipartisanship.
BOMBSHELL! Rupert Murdoch's and his goons at his British "News of the World" paper are accused of hacking into people's cell phones---including one belonging to a 13 year-old murder victim---to troll for dirt so they can scoop their competitors. Across the pond, Americans react with horror and disgust at the company's secret snooping activities. That's supposed to be the government's job.
EPA head Lisa Jackson announces tough new clean air rules. They'll cost $800 million but save an estimated $280 billion in healthcare expenses. Republicans say the EPA is out of control with their "job-killing regulations" and propose their own clean-air plan. Step 1: reduce breathing to six days a week.
The final liftoff of the Shuttle Atlantis is a thing of beauty. Once it returns, the space shuttle program ends for good and Atlantis retires to a condo at the Kennedy Space Center Visitor's complex after tying the knot with a weather blimp.
America adds a heart-and-economy-stopping 18,000 jobs in June. Economists say the second half of 2011 could be fabulous! Apparently because, no matter how wrong they are, in the second half of 2011 those economists will still have their jobs.
Betty Ford dies. Her best-known crusades were on behalf of those battling breast cancer and substance abuse. But she also shrugged at marijuana, saw the merits in sex before marriage, and was strongly pro-choice. No wonder we liked her so much---she was a doggone hippie.
In a span of five days, Rubert Murdoch a) is forced to scrap his BSkyB-Media deal, b) sees the investigation of his employees' sleazy/illegal information-gathering tactics spread to the U.S., c) accepts the resignation of the publisher of The Wall Street Journal and d) has to put beloved News Corp chief executive Rebekah Brooks on an ice floe and wave cheerio after weeks of insisting he would "nevah evah surrendah mah Bekah." The following day Fox News changes its slogan from: "We report…you decide" to "We decide…what not to report."
Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Part II opens in theatres. SPOILER ALERT!!! After cutting taxes for the wealthy, waging two wars "off the books," slashing retirement benefits and health care, emptying the treasury into the hands of the Death Eaters, cutting jobs by the millions and refusing to raise the debt ceiling, evil triumphs over good. Harry's final words: "Hello, and Thank You for Shopping at Volde-Mart."
The chant of the month is, "Haboob! Haboob! Haboob!" after the so-named giant dust storm descends over Pheonix. No complaints are registered from Oreck, Hoover, Dirt devil, Windex, Pledge, or Danny's Family Car Wash.
With the perfect landing of Atlantis, we officially conclude the Era of the Space Shuttle, an endeavor---that is to say, an enterprise---that was a real challenger of discovery for NASA, a project more difficult to pull off than finding the lost city of Atlantis or an honest Republican in the District of Columbia. (See what I did there? Huh? Huh? Wordplay!)
After the lamestream media makes a big deal out of it, Michele Bachmann says her migraine headaches won't stop her from presiding over the country because they're so sporadic. They only strike when she thinks.
Gay and lesbian marriages begin in New York State, and even the Fox News anchors are permitted by Roger Ailes to break an occasional smile over it. The right-wing myth that gay relationships are unstable is exploded as images of couples who've been together 20, 30, 40 years or more are splashed across TV screens nationwide. In a kneejerk reaction, Pat Robertson blames gay marriage on the gays.
A terrorist sets off bombs and shoots up a youth camp in Norway. Officials say it's unclear who did it, but they've narrowed it down to an asshole, a dickhead or a scumbag.
Yeah, it's hot. But at least it's an oppressive, unbearable, sultry, sweat gland-draining, brain-melting heat.
No birth certificate has been produced by any GOP candidate yet. However, Mitt Romney releases his library card, which the Bachmann campaign immediately dismisses as a "crude forgery."
The NFL strike ends, thus eliminating the nightmare scenario of spousal communication on weekends between September and January.
The Obama administration announces a deal with the auto industry to lock in new fuel-efficiency standards that will result in a 50% reduction in greenhouse gas emissions and a 40% drop in fuel consumption. Also a 50 percent increase in Republican whining about excessive regulation and, when the new rules prove to be a rousing Democratic success, a 40 percent increase in crow consumption.
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August
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In its first week on the books, only 310 heterosexual marriages have been destroyed by gay marriage in New York. Homosexual activists reassess their strategy and tweak their tactics, with a target goal of 500 wrecked straight marriages per week by early September.
After months of wrangling and GOP threats to blow up the economy, the debt ceiling is finally raised and America is pulled back from the brink of default. In response, Wall Street plunges 246 points. With friends like these…
Journalism discovers that "fiscal disciplinarian" and "family values conservative" Congressman Joe Walsh (R-IL) is a deadbeat dad who owes over $100,000 in child support. Walsh says he has a very good excuse for not forking over the money: they'll just spend it.
U.S. imports of oil are down nearly 40 percent. Reasons: new measurement methods, a shitty economy, more fuel-efficient cars, and more energy extraction here at home. Still, our love affair with foreign oil isn’t going away anytime soon. It's just not the same invading countries for their solar arrays.
Because the Republicans in the federal government have become so destructive and unstable, Standard & Poor's downgrades America's credit rating from AAA to AA+. They promise to raise it again when the GOP regains its sanity or the world ends, whichever comes first.
In an extraordinary Wisconsin recall election, two Republican state senators are booted in favor of Democrats Jennifer Shilling and Jessica King. That means Republicans now only have a bare one-vote majority in the chamber. Next recall target: Governor Scott Walker. And just to keep it interesting, they'll gather signatures with one hand tied behind their back.
Standard & Poor's downgrades Abraham Lincoln from "Great Emancipator" to "Decent Rail Splitter"
The world celebrates the 20th anniversary of the first web site. On behalf of the porn industry, pootie lovers, and all five million widows of Nigerian foreign ministers who desperately want to give you millions of dollars if you'll just give them your bank account number: thank you.
Rick Perry officially enters the GOP race. The gaffe gods lick their chops.
Standard and Poor's downgrades the Statue of Liberty from "Beacon of Hope" to "$300,000 worth of harvestable copper."
In preparation for a major GOP debate in Iowa, the auditorium is flooded with CO2 so the candidates don’t asphyxiate themselves on oxygen. During the event, Herman Cain insists that America needs to learn how to recognize a joke when they hear one, like, say, "President Herman Cain." Later, all the candidates reject a hypothetical deal that would cut ten dollars in spending for every one dollar in tax increases. President Obama immediately calls moderator Chris Wallace on his cellphone and says, "Okay, fine. Twenty, and that's as high as I'll go." The final winner by unanimous decision: Byron York's hair. The next debate is scheduled for much too soon.
After losing the Iowa Straw Poll to Michele Bachmann, Tim Pawlenty becomes the first GOP candidate to cut and run. Voters send him on his merry way with a hearty, "Farewell and Godspeed, whoever you were!"
After the successful recall of two Republican state senators in Wisconsin, voters choose to keep two Democratic state senators (Jim Holperin and Bob Wirch) in office during a second round of elections. In response, the Koch brothers throw lightning bolts at a kitten.
Standard & Poor's downgrades the Great Pyramid of Giza from "Wonder of the Ancient World" to "Washington Monument Wannabe."
When Rep. Allen West (Tea-FL) responds to a letter from the Council on American-Islamic Relations with "NUTS!", he's gently reminded that he forgot one crucial word: "I'm."
Michele Bachmann makes another supergaffe, urging the crowd to join her in wishing Elvis Presley a happy birthday on the anniversary of his death. Someone in the crowd yells out the truth but she ignores it. At least she's consistent.
After taking tripoli by force, Libyan rebels stuff themselves comically into golf carts like a circus act except with more firepower than you'd typically see at a Ringling Bros. performance, and blow up Muammar Gadaffi's front door so they can help themselves to the leftover meatloaf in his fridge. Sadly, he isn't there, but he does manage to air a message from his undisclosed location in which he vows to light a "burning volcano and a fire under the feet of the invaders." And that's how you know when you've really pissed off a dictator: when he promises not just a fire under your feet, but an actual, live, geothermalically-functional, lava-spewing volcano. Megalomaniacs: masters of proportion.
Washington, D.C is hit by a 5.8 earthquake, damaging the National Cathedral and the Washington Monument. In a preemptive move, the gays, feminists and pagans blame Pat Robertson.
The criminal case against rich French guy Dominique Strauss-Khan is dropped because the maid who accused him of rape wasn't exactly truthful. It's too early to say if the former IMF head might run for the French presidency, which he was favored to win before the scandal broke. If he does, C&J offers the perfect campaign slogan: "Yes! Oui! Khan!"
On the whole, Hurricane/Tropical Storm Irene chooses to pull some of her punches and ambles into Canada without destroying absolutely everything in her path. Pat Robertson quickly accuses the gays, feminists and pagans of poor cataclysm management.
Standard & Poor's downgrades the Giant Meteor Headed Straight for Earth from "Destroyer of Civilization" to "Promising Mineral Mining Opportunity"
After a remarkably pie-fightless discussion over what we should officially call what we write on this blog, Kos decides that they will be called "posts" now instead of "diaries." If you find yourself forgetting, you can jot down a reminder on a square of yellow paper with a line of sticky stuff on the back. I forget what they call those things. Diary-It Notes, I think.
Dick Cheney releases a bamboozle-all book. The main message readers come away with: it's nice to know there are some things in this world that you don’t have to give a shit about. Like reading Cheney's book.
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September
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A "stream of data" points to "an economy that's healthier than it was just weeks ago." Another "stream of data" points to terrible employment growth and rough economic seas in the future. We trust this clears up any confusion.
Mitt Romney gives his BIG JOBS SPEECH in top hat and tails, which he reads while standing in the back of a Packard convertible and evoking fond memories of William McKinley and the days when real men built mansions, paid no taxes and were never seen without at least half a pound of lard in their hair. In response, Wall Street tanks. But it rises the next day, after every human being on the planet completely forgets about Mitt Romney's BIG JOBS SPEECH.
Another GOP Tea Party debate takes place, this time at the Reagan Library in California. Among the whoppers: Herman Cain answers every question with "999," which comes off as awkward when one question is, "Who would be in your cabinet?" Rick Perry gets cheered for calling Social Security a Ponzi scheme, booed for increasing HPV vaccinations in Texas, and cheered really loud for his record of executing more prisoners than all other governors combined. Newt Gingrich gives the media the biggest woody when he threatens to spank them for being bad. Afterward, attendee Nancy Reagan is briefly hospitalized and treated for a repetetive facepalm injury.
The "super committee" meets for the first time, with six white men for the Republicans, and 5 men (one Hispanic, one African American) and one woman for the Democrats. They plan to work together in a spirit of bipartisanship and compromise to ensure that they hit their November 23 deadline for ending up completely deadlocked.
President Obama unveils a new $447 billion jobs bill that experts say will drop the unemployment rate by a full point. Republicans criticize the plan, mainly because it would drop the unemployment rate by a full point.
In France, an explosion at a nuclear reactor occurs. An IAEA official says authorities are "trying to learn more about the nature of the explosion." Wild guess: "Boom!"
Solemn ceremonies in New York City, Washington, D.C. and Shanksville, PA mark the 10th anniversary of the attacks of September 11, 2001. One of the ways attitudes have changed ten years later: networks now have no problem interrupting their coverage with commercials for for mascara and cholesterol drugs and furniture superstores. Then again, that was one of the lessons of 9/11: no matter what, keep shopping.
Old Navy gets into hot water by cranking out T-shirts for school sports teams that read: Lets Go!. In response, the company apologizes and issues a brief statement: "Oop's."
Another Republican presidential primary debate, this time in Tampa. Lowlights:
Perry: Social Security is still a Ponzi scheme, but we'll fix it so that it's a riskier and less sustainable Ponzi scheme!
Santorum: Latinos…Illegal immigrants…what's the dif'?
Cain: Mention this debate and get two medium pizzas for just 9.99!
Bachmann: I will work tirelessly. And rudderlessly!
Winner for the 8th debate in a row: Obama.
Setting up a classic showdown of Main Street vs. Wall Street in Massachusetts, Elizabeth Warren announces she's running for the U.S. Senate seat currently occupied by Scott Brown and formerly occupied by Ted Kennedy. In one week she turns a nine-point poll deficit into a two-point lead. Among the things working in her favor: notoriety as creator of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau, humble roots, a dawn-to-dusk work ethic, a schoolmarm's charm with a barracuda's bite, and…well…she's not Scott Brown.
The Census Bureau releases its latest poverty numbers, and a staggering 15 percent of us are at or below the poverty line, including 22 percent of our nation's kids. Democrats are horrified, but Republicans say they've got a plan for making the numbers shrink to zero. They vow that as soon as they get back from recess they'll eliminate the Census Bureau.
The 'Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell' policy officially ceases to exist. And the military lived happily ever after. The End.
Thanks to an increase in prescription overdoses, drug deaths now outnumber traffic fatalities in the United States. Naturally, the federal government takes decisive action by doubling its efforts to go after pot smokers, thus demonstrating the kind of logic that makes us all abuse Valium.
Against a background of the crumbling Brent Spence Bridge, President Obama travels to Ohio to talk about his jobs plan. The president's remarks are televised. The best coverage is on See Span.
After the Supreme Court refuses to intervene in Troy Davis's scheduled execution, the Georgia inmate whose guilt is in serious doubt is put to death by lethal injection at 11:08pm. The main lesson for normal people: this country kills too many people. The main lesson for teabaggers: Can we see it again in slo-mo?
Saudi Arabia says it'll let women vote and run for office, but driving will remain illegal. So if you're a Saudi woman you'll soon be able to take your country to new heights of national unity and achievement, but you still won't be able to take your kid to soccer practice.
Scientists at the giant hadron collider in Europe say they've discovered particles that appear to travel faster than the speed of light. No one's quite sure yet what causes the "neutrinos" to move so fast, but they've already ruled a few things out. Among them: Congress, M.Night Shyamalan movies and cable company help desks.
The growing Occupy Wall Street movement starts getting noticed on a national scale. No one has any idea exactly how it's going to play out, but one thing's for sure: whoever made this mask is raking in the dough.
British University of Leeds professor Ian Ward unveils a new form of portable power that's "cheaper, lighter and more efficient" than the conventional kind. It's called the jelly battery. Not content to rest on his laurels, he immediately starts work on his next invention: peanut butter solar panels.
Michelle Obama visits Portland, Maine to attend a rally on the waterfront. Her message: "This is a very important election." Translation: "We accept cash, checks and all major credit cards."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the Saint of the Week Club. Our Friday C&J poll always asks, simply, "Who won the week?" The thing I love most about you extraordinary Kossacks and your keen intellect and rock-ribbed moral center is that, every time this poll rolls around, you are ALWAYS 100% ABSOLUTELY CORRECT!!! What can we say? You have a gift. And your third-quarter winners are…
July 1 The New York Legislature, Gov. Cuomo, and all the activists and supporters who persuaded them to approve a same-sex marriage bill in the state
July 8 Minnesota Governor Mark Dayton, for sticking to his guns during the state shutdown, as difficult as that is
July 15 The ton of bricks that fell on Rupert Murdoch and his sleazy media empire
July 22 Sen. Bernie Sanders and all the progressives who are pushing back against cuts in Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid as part of a debt-ceiling deal
July 29 Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, who vowed 'More democracy, more openness' in the wake of the bombing and murder spree by a right-wing terrorist
August 5 Rep. Gabrielle Giffords, who made an appearance on the House floor Monday
August 12 Wisconsin's two new Democratic state senators: Jennifer Shilling and Jessica King
August 19 Republican corn dog porn!
August 26 The Libyan rebels who liberated Tripoli, and the NATO forces that helped them bring down Gaw Daffy
Sept. 2 The Nat'l Hurricane Center, FEMA, state and local disaster management teams, and citizens who helped their neighbors before and after Hurricane Irene hit
Sept. 9 President Obama, for his jobs speech to Congress
Sept. 16 Elizabeth Warren, who officially entered the race for Scott Brown's U.S. Senate seat in Massachusetts
Sept. 23 Elizabeth Warren, who is beating Scott Brown in the latest PPP poll
Sept. 30 The growing number of OccupyWallStreet protestors, with special shoutout to Charlie Grapski, whose video footage nailed NYPD officer Anthony Balogna's indiscriminate pepper-spraying of the crowd Saturday
Tomorrow: the thrilling conclusion!
Floor's open. What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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