I am a Republican because:
I BELIEVE the strength of our nation lies with the individual and that each person’s dignity, freedom, ability and responsibility must be honored, except for working people and people having skin tones, facial and hair features or speaking languages or having gender preferences that scare me.
I BELIEVE in equal rights, equal justice and equal opportunity for all, regardless of race, creed, sex, age or disability, but that's where I draw the line. I got nothing for the gays, and also on that other, not so much if it becomes too high a cost of business.
I BELIEVE free enterprise and encouraging individual initiative have brought this nation opportunity, economic growth and prosperity, except when us corporate cronies get a chance to belly-up at the U.S. Treasury bar, then it's Katie, bar the door.
I BELIEVE government must practice fiscal responsibility and allow individuals to keep more of the money they earn, and by individuals, we mean diamond encrusted, pearl handled rich folks who intend to hang onto every buck they can grab, however they can grab it.
I BELIEVE THE proper role of government is to provide for the people only those critical functions that cannot be performed by individuals or private organizations; the best government is that which governs least, while simultaneously I refuse to acknowledge the fact that individuals and private organizations cannot perform effective financial, environmental, food, drug, industrial safety, labor, transportation, public safety, etc regulation.
I BELIEVE the most effective, responsible and responsive government is government closest to the people, particularly in their bedrooms, noses, lungs, bloodstreams and, in the case of women, their uteri.
I BELIEVE Americans must retain the principles that have made us strong while developing new and innovative ideas to meet the challenges of changing times, which means absolutely nothing.
I BELIEVE Americans value and should preserve our national strength and pride while working to extend peace, freedom and human rights throughout the world, and I will bomb the crap out of anybody who says otherwise.
I BELIEVE the Republican Party is the best vehicle for translating these ideals into positive and successful principles of government of the 99%, by the 1%, for the 1%.
OK. It's much better now.