Responding to published reports that he told a crowd on the campaign trail in Iowa that he never really wanted to be president, that running in 2012 was his wife's idea, GOP Presidential Candidate and former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney finally meets with a group of conservative Republican fundraisers to address their concerns.
ROMNEY:
All right, I confess. I haven't won your trust ... I never will win your trust. I have this terrible un-un-uncontrollable fear of lawmakers. When I was a kid I used to hate the sight of laws being made. My mother said I was a fool! She said the only cure for it was to become a politician. So I spent FOUR GHASTLY YEARS as Governor of Massachusetts!
Can you imagine what it's like... governing the SAME STATE for four years?
I didn't want to be a politician anyway. I wanted to be... a CEO!
Leaping from stock to stock as the their fortunes change from bull market to bear! Recessions! Hostile Takeovers! The Subprime Mortgage Scam! The Banks Too Big to Fail!
The plucky crooked lenders! The crushed hopes of the borrowers!
The salty taste of human misery! The crash of markets as we take bailout after bailout!
With my best gal by my side, we'd sing, SING...
(SINGS)
Oh, I'm a CEO, and I'm okay!
I sleep all night and I steal all day.
(A gang of Billionaires appear behind him. The Koch Brothers. Boone Pickens. Philip Anschutz. They Sing!)
He's a CEO, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he steals all day.
(Romney continues...)
I watch the boards, I make the deals.
I pocket what I can.
On Fridays I raid boardrooms
To steal retirement plans!
(The Billionaires...)
He watches the boards, he makes the deals.
He pockets what he can.
On Fridays he raids boardrooms
To steal retirement plans!
He's a CEO, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he steals all day.
(Romney continues...)
I watch the boards, I buy up plants
And sell the machinery
I fire all the workers
And still have time for tea!
(The Billionaires give each other a brief confused look, then sing...)
He's a CEO, and he's okay!
He sleeps all night and he steals all day.
(Romney continues...)
I watch the boards, I look well-creased,
I like to grease my hair.
I like to dance with Annie.
In our magic underwear!
(Billionaires...)
He watches the boards.. he looks well-creased...
He likes to.. oil.. his HAIR?
(The Billionaires look at each other and begin to mumble anti-Mormon sentiments...)
Kochs: Magic Underwear?
Anschutz: Polygamist.
Pickens: Bloody Mormon. Still has hair to oil.
(Romney assumes a majestic pose but doesn't work. He looks worriedly back and forth.)
Annie: Oh, Willard! And I thought you were so RESPECTABLE!!
(She runs off crying, and the Billionaires begin to pelt Romney with tomatoes, booing. He wipes them off his face as best he can, but they keep coming. Eventually he shuffles dejectedly out of the scene.)
(Longish pause. The Billionaires, still in group formation, shake their heads. Then one of them looks up at the camera and points. They suddenly begin to sing.)
He's a CEO, and he's okay! He sleeps all night and he steals all day!
He's a CEO, and he's okaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay... (This last note they hold for over half a minute) Sleeps all night and he steals all day!