Here's my idea for a speech that Colbert could make as a "candidate" for president. (If anyone knows how to reach him, please pass it along from Michael B. I think he would appreciate at least some of the points being made.)
My fellow Americans of South Carolina, I seek your votes not so much as a beloved native son, although I am certainly that, but because I am enriched by many ideas for the betterment of the America I love, and would like to make these a reality as our next president.
First, on the hot button issue of taxes. It seems to me that there is a simple solution to the tax question, one that hasn't been tried, but is ripe for the doing. it would be a sliding scale of tax rates, with the top 1% paying no taxes -- and why should they since they, I, do so much for society as it is -- and descending down through the income levels, the next 5% from the top would pay a 2% rate, etcetra. This would work itself down until those contributing the least to society in terms of job creation and, let's be honest here, general aesthetic appeal, those in the bottom 2% of income, would pay at a 40% rate.
Some of my opponents have proposed a zero rate capital gains tax. I say, 'Weak tea and milquetoast!' As president I will put in place a matching fund for Wall Street profits. If a profiteer makes a thousand bucks or a million or a billion on their investments, the Federal Treasury will match that as a reward for their hard work gaming the system.
Moving on now to foreign policy, I would declare to the world: 'World, we have the most money, the best military, and by far the best tv programs, so I say, "Game Over, we won!" jSo just do as we say and we won't hurt you, and we'll let you broadcast our tv shows on what passes for television where you are.
What about the terrorists, you say. To them, I have this message of hope and deliverance. I understand your anger that your visas have been delayed or denied. You just want to move to the greatest country on earth. So I will personally greenlight not only your visa applications but your taxicab licenses and get you on the road to the good life here in America.
South Carolina, you know as well as anyone how it's important to have big dreams and big actions to back up those dreams. Unfortunately, the whole Confederacy-new country thing didn't work out so well for you, but you tried, and we give you credit for that. One of my big dream proposals is to send a manned ship to Uranus and back by the end of the decade. You may ask why, and I say, "Because it's there. And we're here. And then we'll be there. Then we'll come back to here." This project will cost plenty of dough but we will have this money on hand by the following measures. As president, one of my first acts will be to declare victory in World War Two and bring our brave troops back from Germany and Japan. 'WE WON!! WE WON!! (Cue the balloons and confetti.) Then , I'd do the same with Korea, then Afghanistan.
My energy program is a bit expensive at first but will then cost nothing for years to come, and will deliver us from the evil of imported oil. We simply convert cars and trucks to utilize used cooking oil. It's already being done by lots of people, and the supply from our fast food and other restaurants should be plenty for the unlimited future. And maybe the best part is that instead of carbon pollution our country will have the heavenly aroma of french fries, I mean freedom fries, from sea to shining sea.
So, my fellow South Carolinians, vote for me, or at least do so when the poll people ask, and we will have a better tomorrow, tomorrow.