From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
Lordy Lordy, Look Who's 40! ('ish.)
Posted in C&J on January 18, 2011:
Memo to my one-year-older self for January 17, 2012: Remember Michelle Obama's birthday, you scatterbrained doodyhead. And also you're putting on weight again. Just sayin'.
Love, Young Billy
Funny. I don’t remember being such an ass when I was a youth. But I appreciate the reminder. I did, indeed, forget last year.
Mrs. Obama is the ninth First Lady I've known (the tenth if you include the four years I spent in Germany with "Erste Frau" Loki Schmidt). And she's my favorite, no question. For one thing we have a lot in common: if you tickle us, we laugh. If you prick us, we bleed. If you cross us, we call the president on his red phone and have him gas up a drone. She's a wife, a mother, a lawyer and a strong advocate for our veterans. I'm a domestic partner, former infomercial pitchman, a lawyer's nightmare and a strong advocate for our veterinarians.
We both pamper our dog. For four months and 12 days of each year, we're the same age. We both tweet (here's her new Twitter account). As a kid she loved cooking treats with her Easy Bake Oven and I loved cooking ants under a magnifying glass. She hates panty hose and I hate panty hose. She told Barack before he went onstage to speak at the 2004 Democratic National Convention, "Don’t screw it up, buddy," which is the same thing my partner Michael tells me when I'm about to make ice cubes.
I tell ya, some days it's almost like looking in a mirror.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MICHELLE! WE LUV YA!
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Note: Piss off the haters! Buy Girl Scout Cookies!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the deadline to submit your Netroots Nation agenda proposal to the proper authorities: 14
Days `til the San Diego Whale Festival: 4
Number of Decembers in the northeast over the last 117 years that have been warmer than 2011's was: 4
(Source: National Weather Service)
Estimated U.S. per-household heating cost this winter, down 3% from last year: $700
(Source: AP)
Rank of Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday, respectively, in terms of the highest percentage of email sent at work: #1, #2, #3
(Source: Intermedia survey)
Minimum amount you have to contribute to Rick Santorum's presidential campaign to get your own sweater vest: $100
Weight of a Grammy, a Golden Globe and an Oscar, in pounds: 5 / 5.5 / 8.5
(Source: Entertainment Weekly)
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
I just watched the Bain video on kingofbain.com. In the video you can see Willard speaking fluent French! Total John Kerry flashback. Whats worse? Huntsman speaking Mandarin, or Willard speaking French?
---Commenter rcoop at the Powerline blog
All together now: 1…2…3… Gingrich mangling Spanish!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: What do a university student, a Krispy Kreme employee, a Virginia rest stop, a helpful vet, and the whole wide world have in common? Buddy!!!
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CHEERS to hot air in Myrtle Beach. In keeping with the Republican pledge to allow everyone in America to be as miserable about their candidates as they are, Fox News aired another debate last night. Without Jon Huntsman standing at a lectern in the hat-check room, it was the first forum that was both Mandarin-free and full-on crazy. Here's the final verdict as rendered by C&J's canine political consultant, Molly our chocolate lab:
"I've decided. I'll eat the Texan. No, not the skinny old crazy Walter Brennan Texan. The squinty-eyed one with the rawhide skin with some beef on 'iz bones. I'll start with a leg…"
I think there's another one of these fucking debates in a few days. I'll alert you the usual way: via the low wailing of a peasant who has lost all hope.
JEERS to foot-in-mouth disease. Before I forget, let me add this classic quip from Rick Santorum to the salt-lined C&J vault for proper storage: at a campaign stop late last week, the walking Google disaster told voters that if Mitt Romney becomes president he'll be---[Wink Wink!]---"just a paler shade of what we have." Meanwhile, the cranky conservative evangelical village elders have decided that their official choice to be the NotMittRomney is the palest of the pale: Rick Santorum. But only because Vlad the Impaler wouldn’t return their calls.
JEERS to turning a deaf ear. On this date 51 years ago, during his farewell address in 1961, President Eisenhower warned us all against the rise of the "military-industrial complex." Every year, as his warning appears ever more prescient, this speech ranks right up there with Lincoln's Gettysburg Address or FDR's Four Freedoms speech:
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
Let's see how that's working out: We did let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties and democratic processes. We did take it for granted. And we the ignorant and apathetic citizenry did not compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty are now fighting like rabid dogs. Other than that...Thumbs-up!
CHEERS to the wisdom of the baby blue cherub. Atrios's lesson in Recession Recovery 101 is remarkably concise:
As we move from blame Yurp to blame oil prices... it's important to remember that there are things that the people who rule us can do. They aren't doing them. They could make things better. They have chosen not to.
For we, the people, are not clapping loud enough at their awesomeness. We should all be deported.
JEERS to yesteryear's sleazebag. On January 17, 1997, then-Speaker Newt Gingrich agreed to a reprimand by the House that included a $300,000 penalty as punishment for ethics violations. I bring this up to make an important point: Ha ha ha ha, you got busted, asshole!!!
JEERS to bladder issues. I was asked the other day what I thought about the situation in Afghanistan where a handful of marines pissed on some dead Taliban fighters. 1) Dumb move---it's the devil's job to pee on the Taliban in hell 2) Stunts like this happen in war and that won’t change until a unicorn gallops in with a "decree of decorum" on babyskin parchment 3) Sometimes I pee on myself but it's more of an accident than a show of disrespect or sign that I'm dead 4) I bet if you put those dumb Marines in a crowded restroom without dividers between the urinals, they'd be the pee-shyest in the room. Other than that, I'm drawin' a blank.
CHEERS to riding to the rescue. Speaking of the military, 21 years ago today, Operation Desert Storm began. (See the Today show breaking the news here, including a glimpse of "Scud Stud" Arthur Kent). A coalition of the willing---like, a real one---pushed Saddam's army out of Kuwait within 100 hours and everyone lived happily ever after except the Kurds whom we allowed Saddam to massacre willy-nilly while we stood by and let it happen but let's let bygones be bygones whaddyasay. Go us!
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Five years ago in C&J: January 17, 2007
JEERS to losing your head. Bad news: Baathist thug Barzan Ibrahim al-Tikriti's hanging took a strange turn when his head popped off and then rolled across the floor. Worse news: he got a 7-10 split.
CHEERS to the Trial of the Century (minus 80 or 90 years). The trial of Vice President Cheney's chief of staff, Scooter Libby, got underway yesterday with selection of a jury of his peers. It was a tedious task. They spent the whole day looking under rocks.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to ol' Ben "Obi Wan" Franklin. The most ribald and rambunctious of our founding fathers turns 306 today. His greatest contribution, of course, was in the field of fart management. I kid you not. In 1781 Franklin wrote a sassy essay destined for---but never sent to---the Royal Academy of Brussels, which had put out a call for bold new scientific ideas. He titled it To the Royal Academy of Farting, and he cut right to the chase:
Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.
My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreable, to be mix'd with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreable as Perfumes.
After noting that the contributions to civilization from people like Newton, Aristotle and Descartes would be considered "small importance" in comparison to "the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels" in a variety of fine aromas, he closes the deal:
In short, this Invention, if compleated, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your "Figure quelconque" and the Figures inscribd in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a FART-HING.
Unfortunately, the closest we've come in 231 years to fulfilling Franklins vision is Beano. Still, for his out-of-the-bum thinking, we plan to toast Ben Franklin today by raising a glass. And lifting a cheek.
Oh, and happy birthday also to Muhammed Ali (70) Betty White (90). Which one is The Greatest? Both! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"The Golden Globes are just like Cheers and Jeers but without all that esteem."
---Ricky Gervais
1/15/12
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