I don’t know about you, but the GOP debates have become sufficiently formulaic that we can probably forego the “live-blogging” and just “pre-blog” in advance exactly what will transpire.
If you’re interested in playing along, I’ve condensed tonight’s debate pre-blog into a handy “Mad-Libs” format where you simply supply the requested nouns, verbs, adjectives, adverbs, and expletives. Feel free to add to the follies in your comments!
5:00 p.m. Pacific - With only days to go until Florida’s [adjective] primary, GOP contenders Mitt Romney, Newt Gingrich, Rick Santorum and Ron Paul have gathered for yet another in the series of [a large number] debates. Tonight’s event is hosted by CNN, the Florida Republican Party , the Hispanic Leadership Network, and the National Coalition to Advance [a favorite Tea Party cause] with CNN’s [adjective] lead political anchor [an animal] Blitzer moderating.
5:05 p.m. Pacific – [the same animal] Blitzer asks the candidates and the audience to rise as [washed-up country music singer] will sing the National Anthem, followed by [disgraced evangelical megachurch pastor] leads the benediction. Audience members stand up and someone shouts “[verbal outburst aimed at getting media attention!]”
5:10 p.m. Pacific – as the candidates prepare for the first question, [one of the 4 candidates] appears especially on edge, as though suffering from [some kind of psychological malady]. Clearly the strain of the campaign is taking its toll.
5:11 p.m. Pacific – and we’re off! The first question, addressed to Newt Gingrich: “You’ve announced some [laudatory adjective] plans for space exploration and colonization. As a “true conservative”, how do you propose to pay for these programs?”
5:12 p.m. Pacific – Newt replies [adverb] “[the same animal as above], before I answer that, I’d like to point out that under my two terms in the White House, we’ll be eliminating any type of press coverage. So you and your [disparaging adjective] colleagues in the [another disparaging adjective] media can kiss my [body part of Newt that should remain hidden 4-ever]”. Crowd erupts in cheers; [number] of the audience members are escorted out of the hall.
5:14 p.m. Pacific – Next question to Mitt Romney: “Now that you’ve released your tax returns, Americans are surely “envious” of your success in business. Yet you continue to disparage the Occupy [famous place in America] supporters as [disparaging adjective],[another disparaging adjective]complainers who lack [an essential American trait]. How will you win the votes of the 99%?” Romney grins and responds: “Well, my friend, as you can see from my tax returns, I’ve got more than enough money to buy their votes. Who’d like [a not inconsequential sum of money] right now! Come on up!!”
5:16 p.m. Pacific – crowd erupts in pandemonium, storming the stage as CNN cuts to a commercial with [really old GOP has-been] shilling [sleazy financial product aimed at old people]. Other commercials follow for [common medical problem], and a cute young kid explaining [some aspect of macroeconomics].
5:22 p.m. Pacific – and we’re back – Next question to Rick Santorum, who looks particularly [adjective] this evening in a [unusual color] sweater-vest. “You have stated in previous debates that, contrary to Hillary Clinton’s view that ‘it takes a [type of community]’, all of America’s woes could be solved by “the family.” Please explain how your single-minded focus on a traditional family would have solve [a daunting economic issue],[a daunting environmental issue], and [a daunting social issue].”
Santorum response: “[the same animal as above], it’s really very simple. If we allow a family to be defined as anything other than one [type of person] and one [another type of person], we open the door to [a type of deviant behavior], [something fun to do on a weekend], and [something else fun to do on a weekend]. That’s clearly unacceptable.”
5:26 p.m. Pacific – Ron Paul wakes up [adverb] as [the same animal as above] asks: “Much of your support comes from voters under the age of [number]. Some have suggested that your pledge to legalize [something fun and currently illegal] is nothing more than pandering to this demographic. How would you respond?” Ron Paul replies by explaining that our imperialistic invasions of [a country] and [another country] have led our young people to fear involvement in [a disparaging adjective] wars, and that, if anything, we should be subsidizing, not outlawing [illegal activity] and [another illegal activity].
5:36 p.m. Pacific – wow. Did Ron Paul use up ten minutes with that [adjective] rant? Well, time for a commercial break and more [a snack food] and [an alcoholic beverage].
Now it's YOUR TURN to continue the Mad-Lib Pre-Blogging in your comments!! Have fun!