In what has now become a phenomenon that has taken as many as three people by storm, I give you my Twitter feed of tonight's Republican debate. These tweets are rated R for language and adult content.
I hope @NewtGingrich and @MittRomney strip to the waist and duke it out. Mostly just because I want to see Mitt Romney bare-chested.
If we elect @MittRomney president, then we will have a president with a son named Tagg. We really need to stop and think before we do this.
Sometimes I think @MittRomney's eyebrows are too thin. But then I think, "You're crazy."
@NewtGingrich's slogan should be "Do the Newtron Dance." You should all be aware I'm just going to keep making these jokes.
We get it. @MittRomney is rich. Can we move on?
I'd like to see a presidential candidate who talked like Foghorn Leghorn. Maybe dressed in white suits. Big handlebar mustache.
What the #Republicans need is a #StarTrek transporter accident that combines @MittRomney and @NewtGingrich into one guy. I, Douchebag.
I bet @RickSantorum would be doing a lot better if "Dream Weaver" was his campaign song.
It must be hard to hold back the raucous @MittRomney crowds. #FLdebate
I bet sometimes @NewtGingrich wishes he'd never even fallen into that toxic waste. #FLdebate
I'm glad to see they found the whitest, cleanest-cut group of kids since "Leave it to Beaver" for the audience. #FLdebate
They should have played the "Alfred Hitchcock Show" theme when @NewtGingrich walked in. #CNNdebate
Nice to see they found a way to get a black guy at the debate now that @HermanCain is gone. #CNNdebate
@#CNNdebate: That intro was lame.
So far CNN has wasted 10 minutes on fluff. I thought this was supposed to be NEWS? #CNNdebate
Ooh, a self-deportation question. @MittRomney better warm up his backpedaling muscles. #CNNdebate
All together now, #Republicans: BROWN PEOPLE GO HOME! #CNNdebate
@MittRomney even blinks arrogantly. #CNNdebate
@NewtGingrich's "citizens' panel" sounds a lot like the all-white Citizens' Councils of the South circa 1955. #CNNdebate
@MittRomney just came dangerously close to conceding that Mexicans are people.
@RonPaul always sounds like a 9-year-old telling a long, rambling story that won't end. #CNNdebate
@NewtGingrich: Realistic in his indignation. Good, good. Feel the HATE flow through you. #CNNdebate
Wow. @MittRomney just gave @NewtGingrich a prep school smackdown. #CNNdebate
Someone changed the @MittRomney bot's batteries and set it to "kickass." I can't believe I just said that. #CNNdebate
Awesome. A semi-comprehensible question from the audience. There are professionals who do this you know, #CNNdebate.
#SouthAmerica to @RonPaul: You don't know me! #CNNdebate
I was really hoping @RickSantorum would overpronounce the Latin American names the way newscasters used to do. #CNNdebate
Dear @RickSantorum: The European Union is not a favorable comparison in a #Republican debate. Make a note. #CNNdebate
Why are they wasting so much time on the guys vying for fourth? #CNNdebate
What the fuck is @RickSantorum talking about? #CNNdebate
Phrases like "a whistle blower, not a horn tooter" are what would make @MittRomney like having a lame dad for president. #CNNdebate
@RonPaul is like Burgess Meredith on crack. #CNNdebate
And there we see @RickSantorum's audition to be somebody's vice president. #CNNdebate
Note that @WolfBlitzer does not back down like that pussy @JohnKing. #CNNdebate
Nah, we love you, @JohnKing. #CNNdebate And @NewtGingrich is a douchebag anyway.
It's fun and a little erogenous watching these guys squirm around trying to defend lowering taxes on the rich. #CNNdebate
Part of me kind of wants to let @RonPaul have his way. Shrink the federal gov't and let the states be like independent countries.
#Massachusetts would be a pretty kickass little social democracy.
I could have sworn the audience member who asked that last question said his name was "Asshole." #CNNdebate
Space question. Kind of a gimme for an alpha geek like @NewtGingrich. I bet he has a #CrownRoyal bag full of multi-sided dice. #CNNdebate
@MittRomney: I want housing on Earth, not a base on the Moon. Finally, a candidate who talks sense. #CNNdebate
@WolfBlitzer: Ask @NewtGingrich why he pronounces it "Worshington." Also tell him he sucks. #CNNdebate
@RickSantorum just came THIS close to reciting the #StarTrek opening monologue. #CNNdebate
Five bucks says @RickSantorum pulls out and endorses @MittRomney. You can sense the electual tension with a knife. #CNNdebate
Let's all sit back and reflect for a moment on the fact that a serious presidential candidate is suggesting a moon colony. #CNNdebate
Not only does @NewtGingrich want us to build a colony on the moon, he wants to give it to Halliburton to run. #CNNdebate
Bigger! Richer! Now with 50% More Newt! #CNNdebate @NewtGingrich
I wonder if @MittRomney just got an erection when @RonPaul attacked @NewtGingrich? #CNNdebate
@NewtGinrich, you ain't no president. You're just a loudmouthed schnook. #CNNdebate
@RonPaul, medical care didn't cost that much in the 60s. It also wasn't very good. See how it works? #CNNdebate
Nothing rouses a crowd like the minutiae of insurance reform. #CNNdebate
Now I'll never be able to watch #GroundhogDay without thinking of @MittRomney. #CNNdebate
Dear @RickSantorum: Presidents don't use the phrase "pretty much" in a major speech. See, this is why you fail. #CNNdebate
Psst, @RickSantorum: Your invisible friend's endorsement isn't helping. #CNNdebate
@RonPaul keeps claiming no one was "out on the streets" without medical care when he started. He must have lived in a nice neighborhood.
I think we're about to see more white guys sucking Spanish cock since "White Guys Suck Spanish Cock 4." #CNNdebate
@MittRomney demonstrates yet another presidential skill: The ability to remember a long list of funny-sounding names. #CNNdebate
At the next debate whoever has the most delegates should get to wear a sash that says FRONTRUNNER. #CNNdebate
If there is a God, @NewtGingrich will use the "jerk store" line from that episode of Seinfeld. Especially if it's the Mormon God. #CNNdebate
A @NewtGingrich presidency would probably not end with the same first lady it started with. #CNNdebate
Did @CallistaGingrich used to be a man? #CNNdebate
@RickSantorum just basically said that women should be in the home. Is that the Ozzie & Harriet theme I hear? #CNNdebate
No one wastes time like CNN. #CNNdebate
I thought that guy was going to say "When I was three years old a liberal molested me." #CNNdebate
@RonPaul would ask Raul Castro who he was over and over again. #CNNdebate
When @MittRomney finally leaves this planet he gets one of his own. #CNNdebate
Wait, so now @NewtGingrich is comparing himself to the #Pope, too? #CNNdebate
@WolfBlitzer: Ask @MittRomney if Mormons circumcise. Maybe get him to show you. I don't know, read the vibe at the moment. #CNNdebate
Clearly that woman is not the chair of the Puerto Rican Chamber of Taste. #CNNdebate
If I am ever elected president I'll tell you one thing damn straight: There will be an even number of states. #CNNdebate
Note to @RickSantorum: When you say "simply," what then follows should strive to make sense. #CNNdebate
It's funny when @NewtGingrich, a serial apostate, talks about what it means to be "faithful." #CNNdebate
#Republicans: #Palestinians are not a myth. I've met one. #CNNdebate
When will one of these candidates address the elephant in the room: The Cylon menace? #CNNdebate
@NewtGingrich probably reads his grandkids #AynRand bedtime stories. #CNNdebate
@NewtGingrich's references to #SaulAlinsky would be more effective if anyone knew who the fuck he was. #CNNdebate
@RickSantorum: The global warming "hoax?" It's gonna be 60° in Massachusetts tomorrow. It's January. Are you really this stupid? #CNNdebate
And now the debate stage goes dark for nearly a month. @NewtGingrich can't be happy about that. #CNNdebate
America, what we saw tonight was nothing less than @NewtGingrich getting Mittslapped. I call dibs on that term. #CNNdebate
If the whole president thing doesn't work out @NewtGingrich can always go back to his old job as the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. #CNNdebate
@NewtGingrich looked like an underdeveloped gonad tonight. A little testy. #CNNdebate