Dear Mr. Speaker and next President Gingrich,
The Nevada caucuses - and the start of the Maine caucuses - are next Saturday, February 4. Maine carries on for a week but Nevada's last only three hours, from noon to 3pm. But not the same three hours everywhere in the state, because some precincts in the Vegas area were allowed to do their caucusing after sundown to accomodate Jews who observe the Sabbath. (And you thought this was a Christian nation!) Vegas casino magnate Sheldon Adelson and his wife, major contributors to the pro-you super Pac called Winning Our Future, have denied arranging the late caucuses. Just as well, perhaps, for voting after all the other places have closed is fairly unusual and probable cause for suspicion of election finagling if instigated by Democrats ... but not, of course, if arranged by any of us!
But we digress. You asked for insights on the state of Nevada.
Nevada, as we see it, is just perfect for you and your style of campaigning.
(1) Big Ideas that are outlandish enough to cause ridicule which you can then attack as know-nothing victimization, and
(2) Negative mud-slinging at Mitt Romney, some of which might also stick to his fellow moderate liberal socialist Marxist, the suspiciously bi-racial Barack Hussein Obama.
Nevada has enormous significance because it is the first political contest in a Western state. Yeah, OK, might as well tell 'em you believe that's so important!.
There is great news for you here. In the latest outside poll you trail the ultra-liberal He-Who-shall-not-be-named-again by only 33% to 31%. (That seems well within the margin of error, to use maybe an inappropriate phrase.) Our own internal polls show you leading 97-1-1-1.
He-Who is supposed to have an edge because Nevada was chock-a-block with Mormons when it was sliced off the Utah territory. He-Who won the state in 2008 with 51%, and exit polls showed one-quarter of his voters were Mormons. Ron Paul ran second with 13.7%, and he (who will be tired from campaigning up in Maine this week) will be lucky to do as well this time. The path to a resounding Gingrich victory is clear!
The state's demographics help you in every conceivable way.
1. Nevada leads the nation in both marriages and divorces, having reputedly the most liberal laws in the nation on both counts. We will not belabor the point that these liberal attitudes cover you like blankets. You will not be troubled with this issue. Not, of course, that you were troubled with it anyplace else, either.
2. Nevada's John Ensign was the most recent US Senator to resign in disgrace - finally! - because of scandals involving sex and Congressional ethics while he was in office. Again, not points that need further exposition to you. Nevada just wants this to go away, so no one here is likely to stir it up - or anything like it - about you.
3. Tragically, Nevada leads the nation in foreclosures and repossessions. Lenders here took advantage [and, you can whisper knowingly to your big backers during fundraisers in other states, Democrats egged on many individuals who also took advantage to buy a house but who shouldn't have], what with Nevada's resolute philosophy of hope, happiness and "second chances." Contrary to all the historical teachings you rendered at great value unto the brass at Freddie Mac, lenders galore papered the place with mortgage applications and then sold the resulting paper by the frickin' ton. And it looks like where the very self-same paper authorizes foreclosure without any judicial process, Nevada law seems to allow a quickie escape route. Now that is destructive capitalism at work!
The situation begs to continue your attack on the ways Bain and its culpable grasping co-founder and Implementor-in-Chief operated for many years. Seize the place, toss out the occupants, strip it bare, sell it off in pieces ... then go on to the next target and do it again. You can riff on that all around the state.
4. Nevada is also the only state with legalized whorehouses at local option in most places. They're a little sensitive about this, so we strongly recommend you drop your stumping about Family Values around here. Or, if you're so inclined, you could seize the moment and adopt sex as one of your Family Values - which can hardly be gainsaid - and shoot for the moon. (So to speak.)
5. Nevadans are also sensitive about gambling. They want very much to re-label the activity as "gaming" to give it the aura of entertainment, joy and mystery, family fun, bring-the-kids-and-turn-'em-loose. It is all those things, of course. House odds establish that no matter what you put into it, fun is mainly what you get out.
In fact, casinos and their related hotel and dining venues and their out-of-this-country architectural features comprise 12 - yup, we checked: twelve! - of the state's 20 largest employers. (Interesting, the university's medical center is the only somewhat private employer in that top 20. All the rest that aren't casinos are school districts, the university, and the county government and PD around Vegas.)
How to think about Nevada?
Well, it's essentially Las Vegas, Reno and a lot of big empty which is sometimes referred to as "cow country." Something like 80% of the land area of the state is owned and/or managed by the Federal government. But here's the really cool thing. In the middle of big empty, there's this place called Area 51. You know, where the aliens supposedly are kept. "Unusual phenomena" it is sometimes called. We cannot disclose more for if we did, they'd have to kill you. But we can say the area has actually been used for unspeakable tests of unspeakable weapons and other sneaky things. The whole damn thing is classified six ways from Sunday. Signs say deadly force will be used against trespassers, if they survive to get that far, that is.
It's not accidental that another thing residents of Nevada are nervous-system tetchy about is radioactive waste disposal. Do not use the words "Yucca Mountain" unless you are prepared to offer an alternative disposal site for America's nuclear stuff, one far, far away from Nevada. On the other hand, you might score a lot of points as a Big Thinker in this part of the country if you proposed an alternative waste site in a far away state you know you will never win. Like maybe, Massachusetts. (Just watch He-Who campaign around Nevada with that on his back!)
Another aspect of this is tailor made for what you have already described as your No. 1 concern, electromagnetic pulses from outer space. "Without adequate preparation," you said so presciently, "we would basically lose our civilization in a matter of seconds." Spot on, Mr. Speaker. And Nevada is the very place to expound on this theme.
Think of the number of people who could be employed and re-employed building EMP protective shelters! We could call them NewTowns out there on Gingranches, places so very remote, so vast and vacant not even EMPs would be able to locate them. This state is full of such venues and until they were needed for survival, they could be turned into tourist destinations.
After the long plane ride from Florida, you'll have three full days to campaign around the state. You are just The Man to be welcomed - as the tourist board is proud to say - in "Incredible Nevada."