A lush parlor. The light of a fireplace shines softly through brandy snifters. Sophia, a blue tabby cat, and Henry, a black Bombay cat, lounge luxuriously.
A lush parlor. The light of a fireplace shines softly through brandy snifters. Sophia, a blue tabby cat, and Henry, a black Bombay cat, lounge luxuriously.
HENRY: Honestly, I'm surprised that the 2012 primaries for these humans are still going. The GOP has thrust so many candidates into the spotlight and there is still no clear frontrunner.
SOPHIA: Curious.
HENRY: Who was the black man with the tax plan that would've prohibited the bottom 20% of all income earners from buying his pizza? Before you answer that, let me clean your butt.
SOPHIA: By all means. You're speaking of Herman Cain. But Henry, you must stop calling him 'black.' He's African-American.
HENRY: I'm black. I can call him black.
SOPHIA: Touche.
HENRY: It's almost as if the GOP said, "Well, Obama won last time, so we should get a black guy!" As if that was all there was to it.
SOPHIA: They seemed to be betting on the same type of recycled strategy for that extremely conservative woman.
HENRY: Anne of Green Gables?
SOPHIA: No, the Republican.
HENRY: Hillary Clinton?
SOPHIA: No, the one who never really understands what she's actually saying...
HENRY: Oh, Michele Bachmann. Yes, it appears that the Republicans are randomly - may I ask what you are doing?
SOPHIA: What?
HENRY: That's my food dish. Yours is the one that's empty because you already inhaled your dinner.
SOPHIA: No need to take that tone.
HENRY: I apologize. But in the future, please refrain from eating the rest of my food. You know I like to save a little for later.
SOPHIA: Very well. Now, where were we?
HENRY: I don't know 'where.'
SOPHIA: Well, back to the matter: the GOP also put their most debonair white man forward, Rick Perry, to short-lived acclaim.
HENRY: Ah yes, the Texas governor. How was that not a tour de force?
SOPHIA: I suppose Perry didn't help his cause during a televised debate when he couldn't, for the life of him, remember what 3 government departments he would cut when he got into office.
HENRY: No one on his campaign staff thought to provide him with 3 oversized index cards?
SOPHIA: Or clipped them to his mittens?
HENRY: Let's move on to the current Republican candidates. I have been rather out of the loop since completing my thesis on why we are never thirsty.
SOPHIA: There's Santorum.
HENRY: WHERE?! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!
SOPHIA: No, the candidate. Rick Santorum.
HENRY: Oh, right, hahah. Sorry. Fool me once...
SOPHIA: If you recall, Santorum went on CNN a few years back and declared that we found WMDs in Iraq only to be immediately contradicted minutes later by the Defense Department.
HENRY: He's the one that said Obama should be pro-life because he's black?
SOPHIA: He is.
HENRY: So, he's crazy?
SOPHIA: Batshit.
HENRY: Rommel seems to be doing well.
SOPHIA: Has America fallen that deeply into a fascist state?
HENRY: Oh, not Rommel, Romney. Mitt Romney. I always make that mistake. I'm actually not sure if he's a registered nazi.
SOPHIA: I find his elastic face to be rather disconcerting. He looks capable of dislocating his jaw and swallowing a Great Dane whole. Not that I would stop him.
HENRY: Oh, Sophia... You make me LOL.
SOPHIA: Romney believes that corporations are people.
HENRY: So he's insane, as well?
SOPHIA: He also paid only 14% in total taxes last year.
HENRY: Oh, so he's magical.
SOPHIA: No, just pure, unadulterated evil.
HENRY: So, who do we have left? The remaining candidates are Ron Paul and Newt Gingrich.
SOPHIA: I was just overcome with the need to poop on the wall.
HENRY: Please, don't let me stop you.
Sophia exits. She enters 30 seconds later.
HENRY: Everything go according to plan?
SOPHIA: It always does. So, back to the matter at hand: Ron Paul wants to repeal Roe v. Wade, take away taxpayer funding for Planned Parenthood, encourage homeschooling as an alternative to failing public schools for the lower-class, and Newt Gingrich is...well, he's Newt Gingrich.
HENRY: Now I'm feeling a compulsion to poop on the wall as well. If you'll pardon me...
Henry exits. He enters 30 seconds later.
SOPHIA: How did it go?
HENRY: I actually got distracted by your rather impressive work. Shades of Monet that that left me making stinky cat faces, but that's neither here nor there.
SOPHIA: So, when all is said and done, who do you think Republicans are going to end up voting for?
HENRY: Stephen Colbert.
SOPHIA: Forsooth, Henry! You don't really think these people can be duped into supporting someone masquerading as a politician just because he has enough money for televised attack ads, do you?
HENRY: Interpret my silence as you will.
SOPHIA: Well played, old bean, well played. I'm off to chase a red dot...and I'm gonna get that bastard this time.
HENRY: And I shall retire for a nap. Wake me when our true masters land.
SOPHIA: I will inform you immediately once they announce their plans.
HENRY: Will Steven be making the declaration?
SOPHIA: Yes, it will be either him or Jon. I think they already have the speech prepared.