Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced via twitter late last night that he had meatloaf for dinner. It wasn’t just meatloaf, though. It was really good meatloaf. And it wasn’t just a dinner. It was a late dinner.
Walker frequently tweets details about his meals, despite the fact that nobody cares. Revelations about the meatloaf and the late hour of its consumption have raised suspicions that Walker is so aggressively carnivorous as to possibly present a danger to himself. Not everyone agrees, though.
“I’m not ready to call him meat-addicted,” said Madison foodie Burke Branwell. “He’s being intentionally provocative about his eating habits, which is often a sign of trouble, but the truly meat-addicted tend to hide details of their meals, or exaggerate the portion size of their vegetables. Or they just have a shitload of heart problems. His eating late at night could be a concern, but frankly, I think he’s just being a dick tweeting about this stuff.”
Previous tweets by the governor have revealed his obsession with eating hot ham and rolls, especially after church on Sunday. (It should be noted, however, that “Hot Ham and Rolls” is Walker’s nickname for his wife, Tonette.)
In recent weeks, Walker announced that he went to a pizzeria with his family. Though it was not revealed which toppings he ordered on his pizza, there has been some speculation among Capitol insiders.
“He’s gotta be a pepperoni guy,” said one Capitol employee who wished to remain anonymous. “I mean, look at him. That face screams pepperoni. I know he loves the ham, but not on pizza, and Italian sausage is too greasy, even for Walker.”
Others disagreed on the pepperoni question, but the consensus among everyone who expressed an opinion was that he would never order a green vegetable.
“Onions, maybe,” said one Republican State Senator. “But there is no way a spinach or artichoke pizza would ever find its way into the Governor’s office. Not in a million years. You know, that’s one thing that really pissed him off about the protests last Spring. Here you had people from all over the world ordering pizza for the hippie slobs occupying the building, and it was all vegetarian, or at least most of it. Macaroni and cheese pizza? What is that?”
Asked if he believed the governor might be meat-addicted, the Senator responded with a firm no. “Meat-addicted? No way. Guys I served with in Vietnam…strike that. Guys I would have served with in Vietnam if I hadn’t taken three deferments – those guys were meat-addicted. Governor Walker just enjoys animal flesh, that’s all. So what if he wants to tweet his meat? He’s not hurting anybody.”
Walker's meatloaf tweet surprised many observers, not because of its utter lack of relevance to anything, but because nobody was even aware that the Governor was home in Wisconsin. Walker has spent most of his time in recent weeks flying all over the country to attend fundraising dinners for a recall election he will face soon. Since most of those events are private, the menus for those dinners have not been released by the Walker campaign, and the meatloaf reference was a tip-off that Walker was home.
“Let’s just say there are some big checks being written at those dinners,” said Walker spokesperson Cullen Werwie. “They aren’t showing up to eat meatloaf or hot ham on rolls. There’s some serious cuts of beef being served at those events. Oh, and lobster (laughs). By the way, thanks for not asking about the Milwaukee District Attorney granting me immunity in the ongoing John Doe investigation that has resulted in 6 arrests and one conviction so far among Walker’s staff and his other associates when Walker was the Milwaukee County Executive. I think people are really tired of reading about that stuff.”
You’re welcome.