From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Oh! More Things I Know:
As of today, the Netroots Nation convention in Providence is only 17 weeks away.
Democrats come up with really good policies but they're really bad at selling them. Republicans come up with really bad policies but they're really good at selling them.
The winner of South Carolina's GOP primary always wins the GOP nomination. The way in which Romney and Santorum are forced to leave the race will leave you slack-jawed.
If a celebrity is ever photographed without makeup, a tabloid will run it on the front page with a headline saying that person is dying.
I will gladly pander to you today for the chance to screw you over tomorrow.
Bashar Assad is an ASSHOLE.
The next Republican debate isn’t until the 22nd, but the CPAC convention starts today so we'll still have a rich source of dusk-to-dawn hilarity to tide us over.
Mitt Romney is speaking at a campaign event here in Maine tomorrow. Location: Portland Yacht Services. No word yet on whether he'll drive up in a Rolls or a Bentley.
I support the traditional definition of marriage. Now get over here, woman. You're my property now.
The lower you are on the financial ladder, the more likely you are to be punished for something related to your finances.
I trust you only as far as I can shoot you from this marshmallow cannon I just bought on eBay.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, February 9, 2012
Note: Eyewitness News team battles the flu. Phlegm at 11.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Mardi Gras: 12
Days `til the 3rd annual Traverse City Winter Microbrew Festival in Michigan: 2
Percent of American voters who believe that Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, respectively, care about average people: 22%, 24%
(Source: NBC-Wall Street Journal poll)
Rate of incarceration in, respectively, America, Rwanda and Germany per 100,000 people: 731 / 595 / 87
(Source: MSNBC/Chris Hayes)
Increase in union membership last year: 50,000
Number of Americans who belong to unions today: 14.8 million
(Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics)
Rank of Maine among the states in terms of job growth in 2011, despite our Tea Party governor's promise of jobs, jobs, jobs: #50
(Source: Bureau of Labor Statistics)
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
"In public life, as in kindergarten, the all-important word is no. We are living with the consequences of the inability to say no to the president's war of choice with Iraq, and we shall soon see how Congress and the courts will respond to the latest challenge from the White House -- the claim by President Bush that he has the right to ignore FISA's prohibition of government intrusion on the private communications of Americans without a court order and his repeated statements that he intends to go right on doing it."
The time is coming when someone will have to say no.
---February, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: He swallowed the cow to catch the frog…
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CHEERS to setting your phaser to Fab-o! So the 9th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals ruled Tuesday that California's Prop. 8 is unconstitutional, ramming a photon torpedo down the gullet of inequality for gay and lesbian couples. And who better to turn to for What It All Means than good ol' George Takei:
Unfortunately, today’s decision does not mean that same-sex couples can resume getting hitched in California. Prop 8 may be unconstitutional, but it’s still in effect until the Supreme Court finally rules. … If the Supreme Court wants to be on the correct side of history, to say nothing of justice, it will and must uphold today’s decision.
I am nearly 75 years old. I have lived through four wars, spent my childhood in two U.S. internment camps, and watched a nation go from segregation and Jim Crow to electing an African American president.
The promise of true equality in America remains unfulfilled, but with each moment like today, I know that we can be a nation that lives up to its ideals. And I can’t wait for all those wedding invitations.
Meanwhile, yesterday in Washington state the House
passed (55-43) a gay marriage bill, which Governor Gregoire will sign into law next week. Tomorrow there will be
hearings in the Maryland House. And New Jersey's Assembly and Senate are
scheduled to vote on gay marriage next Monday and Thursday. If we pull all these efforts off, I'd say our Tony for Best Choreography is in the bag.
JEERS to bad optics. They'll never learn. Mitt Romney and his handlers will simply never learn. They're coming to Portland tomorrow. The paper says he'll be here "to try to fend off a challenge from Rep. Ron Paul of Texas." And guess where this man of the people is being feted? Of course…Portland Yacht Services. Honestly, this guy just cannot stop bumping into furniture. And that's why I love him.
CHEERS to Tippeca...ca...cachoo! Happy 239th birthday to "#9" William Henry "Tippecanoe" Harrison. During his nearly two-hour inaugural address (sans overcoat), he pledged not to run for a second term and, in one of the fastest fulfillments of a campaign promise ever, caught pneumonia and died 32 days later, but not before being plied with enough ipecac, opium, castor oil, calomel, camphor and brandy to kill a small army. But he did have a lasting effect on our electoral process. From Secret Lives of the U.S. Presidents by Cormac O'Brien:
[I]f Harrison was no dream candidate, his campaign for president was one of the most important in American history. Before 1840, active campaigning for office was considered about as crass as writing a blurb for your own book. Candidates were supposed to maintain an air of ambivalence while others did their stumping for them. Harrison changed all that by personally jumping into the fray with earnest, smiling enthusiasm, and his Whig party cohorts turned the campaign into a circus. They dismissed opponent Martin Van Buren as a snob and a dandy, claiming their boy Harrison was the real man of the people. There were parties, bands, garish banners. It worked.
You might say he put the "party" in the party! Ha Ha Ha! Or, um…you might not. Pay your respects
here. Willy, we hardly knew ye.
CHEERS to comedy central (but hardly centrist). Wondering why Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert took the week off? My guess is it's because they didn’t want to get upstaged by the knee-slappin' hootenanny that is the CPAC convention, which starts today in the "real American values heartland" known as, er, Washington D.C. (WARNING: Click the official link at your peril.) What you'll see: anger, rage, tried-and-failed ideas, madness, pretzel-twisted logic, xenophobia, homophobia, immigrant-o-phobia, Islamophobia, isolationism, birtherism, secession and denial, denial, denial. Plus exciting discussions about the groundbreaking new Republican agenda of tax cuts, annexation of the Mommy parts and...um...did we mention tax cuts? Oh well. At least some people will benefit from it. Namely D.C.'s hookers.
CHEERS to the meteorologeewhiz kids. Today is the 142nd birthday of that dastardly socialist entity known as the National Weather Service. It's mission: to provide...
"...weather, hydrologic, and climate forecasts and warnings for the United States, its territories, adjacent waters and ocean areas, for the protection of life and property and the enhancement of the national economy. NWS data and products form a national information database and infrastructure which can be used by other governmental agencies, the private sector, the public, and the global community."
The nerve of them, redistributing weather information willy nilly like that! And if Rick Santorum becomes president---[
Pauses to suppress gag reflex]---you can
kiss it goodbye. Fortunately, the forecast for him is mostly Quixotic with a 99 percent chance of an early concession speech.
CHEERS to embracing your stereotype. Hey, why the hell not? The Speaker of the House is nearly as powerless as he is shameless, so what does he have to lose? It's a match made in Booth #2:
The Indoor Tanning Industry’s political action committee has contributed $5,000 House Speaker John Boehner’s (R-OH) campaign account and another $5,000 to the National Republican Congressional Campaign’s Boehner for Speaker Committee.
From what we hear it was love at first UV ray.
CHEERS to 1/300th notes. On this date in 1992, Thomas Scholl of Germany became the fastest yodeler alive, delivering 22 tones---15 of them falsettos---in 1 second. You can watch him rock der haus here. And when the kids hear that sound, they know not to go in the bedroom because Mutter und Vater are making babytime.
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Five years ago in C&J: February 9, 2007
JEERS to silly ideas. Joe Lieberman wants us all to pay---I kid you not--- a "War On Terrorism Tax." Fine...just as soon as he agrees to pay a Lily-livered Turncoat Tax.
CHEERS to saying what needs to be said. Memo from the Chairman of the Joint Frickin' Chiefs of Staff to all the right-wing idiots who claim that debating the Iraq war hurts troop morale and/or emboldens our enemies: "There's no doubt in my mind that the dialogue here in Washington strengthens our democracy. Period." Ya hear that? "Period." Game, set, match.
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And just one more…
JEERS to trouble in Confection Land. This has been a rough week for candy lovers. First we lost 20,000 pounds of chocolate when fire broke out at the Sarris Candies factory in Pennsylvania. No one was hurt, and they should be back up and running before the month is through. Sadly, that's not the case for the CEO of Ferrara Pan, Nello Ferrara, who died at 93. I've never told you this before, but I used to steal quarters from my mom's purse so I could wander over to Sully's variety store during recess and snag a handful---okay, okay, fistfuls---of Atomic Fireballs (they're made from a single grain of sugar!) And although I'm currently in a candy corn phase, I will always, always return to my beloved eye-watering, sweat-inducing fireballs. I don’t know if there's an afterlife or not, but if there is, I hope Mr. Ferrara is headed there on the good ship Lollipop. And for the rest of us and our sweet tooths, some sugar-coated advice: hug your bon bons and tell them how much you love them. Right before you show them how much you love them by consuming them in a mad orgy of gnashing teeth, sloshing saliva and a headlong plunge into stomach acid. Ya big softie.
Have a Thursday that you look back on with lots of awesome adjectives. Like awesome! Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Many people specify that they want to take EVA's special Hello Billy in Portland Maine jet. The response has been excellent so far."
---Anna Wong
EVA Air
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