DATELINE: The Vatican City
Today, the U.S. Conference of Catholic Bishops admitted they can't do their job and are looking for the government to bail them out.
"We've really tried hard," Cardinal Joseph R. Joseph sighed, his head drooping a bit, "but we just can't make people believe our nonsensical ideas about birth control any more."
"They have," said Father Workaday of St. Elsewhere parish in Springfield. "They've signed letters, they've told us to read them to our congregations or burn in hell, but nothing seems to work. My congregation insists on having sex and not having babies each and every time. I don't get it."
So like all lazy bums everywhere, the Church is trying to get President Obama to do its dirty work for it. "Hey, he saved the auto industry," a Vatican spokesman is reported as saying. "Why can't he save our silly doctrines?"
Most ordinary Catholics don't buy it, though. "Come on, Cardinals!" one ordinary Catholic who asked us not to use his name (though it's Bob Drake) said. "Get it together!"
Another added, "Learn to throw a pass!"
We could not reach President Obama himself for commentary, though a spokesman said that "while the President works very hard" and believes very strongly in religious freedom, "he can't do miracles."
Still, the lazy bums are hopeful. "We've gotten many Republicans, who are usually opposed to government handouts, on our side," said Cardinal Joseph. "How hard can it be to persuade a Democrat to do our job for us?"
(c) Not The Onion, 2012