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Well, it's that time of year again. The time when conservatives put their psychotic ramblings out there for all the world to see and hear: the Conservative Political Action Conference.

This insane, cult-like gathering of like-minded conservative idiots come together for one goal. What that goal is, I'm not quite sure, because when you try to parse the stupid you get a jumbled mess of Dittohead speak, gold buggery and mass hysteria over women's uteruses.

So, what did we learn from Day 1 of this ridiculous conference? What could the people who brought us a 12-year-old brainwashed on Fox News just two years ago give us this time?

Rick Perry: "Put me in coach!"
Texas laughingstock Rick Perry riffed on Clint Eastwood'€™s "€œHalftime"€ commercial in a CPAC speech today. It was as bad as you could imagine:
"€œIf it'€™s halftime, America, I'€™m fearful of what the final score's going to be if we let this president start the second half€ as quarterback, Perry said in his address to CPAC in Washington, his first major appearance since bowing out of the presidential race.
Let'€™s put this in football terms: Rick Perry is the second-string quarterback for the Saskatchewan Roughriders of the Canadian Football League. And not only did he fail in his NFL tryout, but he got embarrassed and Americans will remember him as a goofball who gave weird pregame speeches and was trounced by a bunch of other second-string quarterbacks in preseason play.

So yeah, why start Tom Brady when you can start Anthony Calvillo'€™s backup?

The Birthers Want A Foreign-Born Guy to be President
Dave Weigel at Slate flags a World Nut Daily yokel sporting a €œ"Tebow for President"€ shirt.


As Weigel points out, this is hilarious because Tebow was born to missionaries in the Philippines.

And it'€™s also hilarious because World Nut Daily is the Internet'€™s #1 source of All Things Conspiracy about President Obama's birthplace.

Naturally, they have no problems with Tebow.

The Miseducation of Michele Bachmann

Like Lauryn Hill before her, crazy person Michele Bachmann learned a lot from her unsuccessful and hilarious run for president:

Former Republican presidential candidate Michele Bachmann reminisced about her six month presidential campaign run on Thursday at Conservative Political Action Conference, the annual conservative conference known as CPAC. She said running for president entails a “series of humiliations.”

Bachmann told the ballroom full of conservative activists in Washington that it was an “educational” experience, too.

After making fun of herself, Bachmann launched into some gibberish about Israel and Iran. But she closed out in style by reminding everyone we are indeed a Judeo-Christian country, no matter what that Kenyan says:
“Before Obama was elected, no one has ever heard a U.S. president say to the world that the United States is not a Judeo-Christian nation,” Bachmann said. “I am here to say we are.”

She said, “We have to stand and fight for our beliefs… We owe it to our God to keep our republic free.”

Remember, this was once a leading contender for the Republican nomination. St. Ronnie is probably looking up from above and wincing at the amount of stupid he created.
Horny Pizza Guy Finds Redemption, Family

Purveyor of mediocre pizza and former presidential candidate Hermann Cain said he dropped out to put “family first.” It’s the tiredest cliche in porn: pizza delivery guy makes a few house calls, offers “the sausage special”, decides to run for president, then it starts rainin’ bitches and the party is over.

Businessman Herman Cain on Thursday said his decision to drop out of the race for the Republican nomination came down to two factors: “Gutter politics” and the fact that “I chose to put family first.”

Cain made the comments to a sympathetic audience at CPAC, the four-day Conservative Political Action Conference that every year brings thousands of conservatives to Washington.

I don’t believe Cain for obvious reasons, and his decision to leave the porn/pizza business to make redemption movies on the Hallmark Channel leaves me a little less than impressed.

But credit where credit is due, Cain gave the rub to a rising star: Joe “the Not An Actual Plumber And Not Actually Named Joe” Wurzelbacher who will be losing in his congressional bid later this year.

Cain said he’s endorsing Sam “Joe the Plumber” Wurzelbacher for Congress in Ohio’s 9th district. Wurzelbacher would face either liberal stalwart Rep. Dennis Kucinich or Rep. Marcy Kaptur in the general election.
What an endorsement for the fake plumber.
When Stars Go Supernova

I know CPAC has to find time to get their A-listers time on the floor, your Ken Cucinellis, your white nationalists and whatnot, but isn’t it telling that Herman Cain and Rick Perry, who briefly held the hearts of conservatives everywhere were relegated to Day One status?

The Olsen twins used to be megastars (albeit teen megastars), now they are showing up to ribbon cuttings at Quizno’s and giving support to JC Penney. Now, JC Penney is a fine establishment for the 99 percenters among us who can turn a $100 suit into something awesome, but is this where they thought they would be 12 years ago?

Cain and Perry are asking themselves the same questions: how the hell did we wind up as the opening act?! I was selling out Madison Square Garden! I was something special!

Rob Thomas feels your pain, fellas.

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