CONCORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE—Officials from Rick Santorum’s presidential campaign confirmed over the weekend that the candidate had instructed them to quickly develop a new, preferably disgusting, sexual term for fellow Republican candidate and competitor Mitt Romney.
“It is correct that we are working on a counter-balance to the term ‘Santorum’, which as everyone knows by now is defined as ‘the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex,’ ” said Santorum campaign manager Mike Biundo.
“Currently, we’re considering whether a ‘Romney’ should mean ‘having sex with a dog on top of a car while going to Canada on vacation with your family,’ or ‘anally ejecting previously inserted uncooked cranberries into the orifice of the cooked turkey with which you’re engaging in various sexual activities.’”
“We’re still working on it though,” admitted Biundo.
Santorum, known for his strident anti-homosexual views, has had a long-running war with sex columnist and gay rights activist Dan Savage (www.spreadingsantorum.com), the man responsible for redefining Santorum to mean, as previously mentioned, “the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex.”
After coming from behind in the Minnesota caucuses, Santorum vowed to “pound Romney hard and often” and even went so far as to use a baseball metaphor at a recent campaign stop: “I’m going to pitch a fast high one into that ‘Mitt’--now let’s see if he wants to play catcher!” Santorum said. Political analysts have indicated that the effort to redefine ‘Romney’ is likely just one of the many prongs Santorum hopes to stick into the man in front.
In response to the latest tactic from the Santorum campaign, Romney released a statement which read in part: “Anyone who purports to be straight yet is seemingly so obsessed with gay sex clearly has some unresolved issues. We look forward to the day when former Senator Santorum is inevitably found performing fellatio on a gay rent-boy in a truck-stop restroom.”
“Also, did we mention that ‘Santorum’ is defined as ‘the frothy mixture of lube and fecal matter that is sometimes the by-product of anal sex’? No? Well just Google it and see.”
Cross-posted at: The Smew