I-90 REST STOP, HIGHWAY 17 OUTSIDE Ft. WAYNE—It’s every motorist’s nightmare: you’ve just stopped to take a pee at a highway rest stop between Toledo and Chicago when, as soon as you have your “Mr. Willy” out and are ready to let loose, a Republican State Senator from Indiana walks up to you and wants to talk about Greco-Roman wrestling, or perhaps Michelle Bachmann's husband or even Rick Perry's chiseled jaw-line.
Now you may at first be tempted to try to engage him in conversation in order to disarm this potentially awkward, and frankly nauseating, situation—but don’t do it!
Inevitably, the conversation will move from how chastity in marriage can actually strengthen a man's commitment to Jesus, to how hot Ted Nugent looks in blood-stained camo.
In fact, studies have shown that humoring Republican legislators at roadside rest areas, airport men’s rooms, or the so-called "Chicken Hawk Room" at C-PAC, will only lead to talk about the glistening slabs of man-meat that make up the U.S. Men’s Olympic gymnastics team to Judy Garland songs and “certain needs” that only another man could understand.
So what should you do in this situation, other than the obvious pinching it off midstream and putting your Jack Johnson back in the old breadbasket?
Usually, just a loud mention of how you “can’t stand all those gay secular humanists in New York” will put him off his game and force his hurried agreement and some hearty backslaps. But if he persists by telling you that you look like a man who could really use “some stress relief,” simply turn to him and tell him that you tend to fancy more smooth, twink power bottoms, but that he should look you up at the next San Francisco Leather Man convention.
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