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The hearings yesterday make me think it's time to start controlling men's bodies as they insist on controlling women's bodies. Here are some measured steps to bring out of control, sex-crazed men to a place of decency.

1. Men may not have erections unless they're in bed with their wives and intend to make a baby.
2. Male masturbation = 0.5 manslaughter, since they've just wasted half a pot...ential human being. (And that charge is per sperm).
3. Men who hit women will have their hands cut off.
4. Men who commit rape will be executed.
5. Men who father children and don't support them will be castrated.
6. Men who bully LGBT people will be ankle monitored for 1 year, and will have to wear a restraining device on their genitals.
7. The sale and purchase of condoms will be outlawed: men who confine their sexual activity to the marriage bed don't need them and other men shouldn't be using them.
8. In order to assure compliance with # 2, men shall submit to a monthly exam to determine whether they've ejaculated, and if they have they must provide proof it happened with their wives in bed.
9. Medical insurance will no longer cover the cost of Viagra and similar drugs. If men can't get an erection, it's God's will and they have to accept it.
10. Men who hire prostitutes will receive the same sentence the prostitutes receive.

I mean, really, we have to do something.

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