******TRIGGERING
We would spend every weekend at the lake and every weekend my Grandfather would sexually abuse me. If it wasn't at nap time or at bedtime, there would be motorcycle rides. Paw-Paw would take turns putting us on his motorcycle and take us riding down the dam. He would find a place in the woods and lay me back on the leaves, pull down my shorts and perform oral sex on me. Sometimes he would have me perform oral sex on him. It became so routine that I would often wish he would take me first so it would just be over with.
A little girl's mind can't comprehend the womanly reactions of her body. When he would perform oral sex on me, my body responded to the manipulation. Therefore, my "liking" it must mean I "wanted' it - and yet all I ever wanted was for it to be over. The confusing feelings of disgust and desire causes great conflict in a child's mind. To avoid the confusion, I tried to shut it all out - pretend that it wasn't happening - escape...
There was a little trailer on the property that we used as our playhouse and this is where I went to hide. To escape the abuses being perpetrated on my little body which my brain could not quite yet comprehend, I would stow away in there for hours, consuming every piece of literature I could find. I became a voracious reader. Within the pages of those books I found a world without pain, a life without sorrow and stories without shame. In that trailer life made sense.
It was there I discovered my love of poetry and this poem has sustained me throughout my life:
William Ernest Henley (1849-1903)
Out Of The Night That Covers Me (Invictus)
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
He stole my innocence, he abused my little body, and he killed the child I was - but he never got to my soul. ~I am the master of my fate/I am the captain of my soul~
If you are being sexually abused, you are not alone.
How to get help:
Tell someone you trust - a parent, relative, teacher, principal, counselor, minister.
You are not alone. You can escape.
Call the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1.800.656.HOPE (4673).
WE WILL BELIEVE YOU
Literature Review
Victims of incest generally are reluctant to reveal the incest because the perpetrator is usually a person who is trusted and s/he may be in a position of authority to the victim. Sometimes the perpetrator will threaten the victim if she does not keep the “secret."
Sometimes, if very young, the victim does not realize anything is wrong or she may deny that anything is wrong with the incestuous behavior (Vanderbilt, 1992). In some cases, the victim may believe the explanation often given by the perpetrator that the incest is a learning experience that happens in all families. The victims may be hesitant to report the incest also because they may fear that they will be blamed, punished or simply not believed or that they or someone else, usually the mother, will be hurt. Also some may not want to get the perpetrator in trouble (Matsakis, 1991).
What strikes one immediately upon reviewing the research and literature on incest is the great denial, the silence surrounding its occurrence. While the early studies of incest go back to 1929 it is important to note that at this time in history, children and their reports were not given much credibility. Kinsey (1953) reported 24% of his sample experienced incest and Landis (1956) reported that a third of her sample of 1800 college students recalled childhood sexual molestation by a relative. De Mouse (1991) states that the corrected incidence of incest is at least 60% for girls and 45% for boys. Yet in spite of these reported numbers, there is the great silence.
Incest represents an important social issue in the United States. Surveys of women in the general population have revealed that at the very least 20% of the women sampled have experienced childhood sexual contact with an adult relative (Briere, 1992; Courtois, 1988; Finkelhor, 1984; Gelinas, 1983;Gil, 1992; Kilpatrick & Amick, 1985; Russell, 1986; Wyatt, 1985)
it is believed that incest is an extremely under-reported crime (Vanderbilt, 1982). For example, in Russell’s study, (1986) only 5 of 100 cases of incest were reported to the police. Gebhard stated that in the Kinsey (1953) original sample, only a tiny percentage of the incest cases were reported to the police or to psychologists. He estimated that only about 2% of incest abuse was reported and only a small percentage are convicted.
The Rules:
This is a community diary for survivors of abuse - emotional and psychological, physical, sexual and assaults. Emotions run high in these diaries and comment threads. The experiences are personal, life altering, and traumatic.
1. If you are going to be a jerk in this virtual living room...leave now.
2. If you want to compare these experiences to something totally unrelated - leave now.
3. If you are supportive even if you have not been a victim, welcome. You are the people that help us climb the trees.
To all the survivors - welcome to The Tree™