Jon Stewart ripped into Rep. Darrell Issa's (R-CA) all-male hearing on birth control with fervor last night.
So last Thursday, Congressman Darrell Issa convened a panel to settle the issue, and while no ladies were actually allowed to speak until the afternoon session, and no ladies actually ever spoke on behalf of ladies, some of these fellas were... wearing gowns, so that's something. Let's hear the reasoned tone that the sausage-fest struck in this effort to find balance between religious liberty and the realities of the secular world.
REP. TIM WALBERG, R-MI (2/16/2012): I don't normally quote from Joseph Stalin....
I'm gonna stop you right there. (shocked audience laughter) We're just going to move on to the next guy, if that's all right. Anyone have a slightly less hyperbolic take on this?
....
We've already heard from the Stalin and rape people, could someone please put this in terms that are a little more relatable?
BISHOP WILLIAM E. LORI (2/16/2012): From my testimony today, I would like to tell a story. Let's call it the parable of the kosher deli.
Go on.
BISHOP WILLIAM E. LORI (2/16/2012): Once upon a time, a new law was proposed so that any business that serves food must serve pork. ... Can a customer come to a kosher deli, demand to be served a ham sandwich, and if refused, bring down severe government sanction on the deli? In a nation committed to religious liberty and diversity, the answer is no.
Sir, your parable about the kosher deli, while delicious, makes no fucking sense. Nobody's forcing the kosher deli owner to serve ham. In the metaphor, it's more like the owner of the kosher deli is refusing to pay taxes, because his money could go to food stamps, which someone might theoretically use to buy ham.
Although to be fair to Darrell Issa, at the hearings, a woman was put forth to speak on behalf of someone who needed contraception to help with a medical condition, and that speaker was denied a spot, cuz you know... Stalin-rape.
Video and full transcript below the fold.
So last Thursday, Congressman Darrell Issa convened a panel to settle the issue, and while no ladies were actually allowed to speak until the afternoon session, and no ladies actually ever spoke on behalf of ladies, some of these fellas were... wearing gowns, so that's something. Let's hear the reasoned tone that the sausage-fest struck in this effort to find balance between religious liberty and the realities of the secular world.
REP. TIM WALBERG, R-MI (2/16/2012): I don't normally quote from Joseph Stalin....
I'm gonna stop you right there. (shocked audience laughter) We're just going to move on to the next guy, if that's all right. Anyone have a slightly less hyperbolic take on this?
DR. C. BEN MITCHELL (2/16/2012): The violation of a person's religious conscience was nothing less than the rape of the soul.
(audience boos)
That's a quote from Roger Williams, and I believe the worst Law & Order spinoff yet.
Ice-T, Belzer, and Markie Post, where's the chemistry?
Listen, no one loves their insurance plan, but soul rape? Well, you may not realize this, but the Catholic church actually offers health plans that already cover Viagra, a.k.a., boner pill, a.k.a., Däs Stiffmacher, a.k.a., 4-hour Johnson juice.
I'm guessing that that doesn't rape the soul. That some of your employees are, I guess, getting that subsidized Viagra, and I guess some of them are single unmarried men. What do you think they're doing with their erections? Seriously, we'd love to know. Send your responses to:
I can't wait to find out!
How is it that women can't get their pill, but men can get their pill? Well as it happens, the Church answered that very question 12 years ago.
HELEN ALVARE, NATIONAL CONFERENCE OF CATHOLIC BISHOPS (7/20/2000): Viagra actually answers a medical problem. ... Contraception is a choice that somebody may make, but it doesn't answer a particular health care need.
Two things. Why 1) does 12 years ago look like the '70s on television? Has it really advanced that far in 12 years? And 2) So the Catholic Church says a boner is a "need", but not getting pregnant is more of a "want". By the way, while I was surprised that the Catholic Church is pro-medically induced boners, I was even more shocked at the ad it ran to show its support.
Now, you never know when the Spirit will move you. Anyway, I digress. I don't know why they both get to wear nice hats.
Back to the hearing. We've already heard from the Stalin and rape people, could someone please put this in terms that are a little more relatable?
BISHOP WILLIAM E. LORI (2/16/2012): From my testimony today, I would like to tell a story. Let's call it the parable of the kosher deli.
Go on.
BISHOP WILLIAM E. LORI (2/16/2012): Once upon a time, a new law was proposed so that any business that serves food must serve pork. ... Can a customer come to a kosher deli, demand to be served a ham sandwich, and if refused, bring down severe government sanction on the deli? In a nation committed to religious liberty and diversity, the answer is no.
Sir, your parable about the kosher deli, while delicious, makes no fucking sense. Nobody's forcing the kosher deli owner to serve ham. In the metaphor, it's more like the owner of the kosher deli is refusing to pay taxes, because his money could go to food stamps, which someone might theoretically use to buy ham.
Although to be fair to Darrell Issa, at the hearings, a woman was put forth to speak on behalf of someone who needed contraception to help with a medical condition, and that speaker was denied a spot, cuz you know... Stalin-rape.
It then became a black-and-white world for Jon to sit down with his own
panel to discuss women's issues.
Aasif Mandvi then
covered how Time/Warner was being a total douche by blacking out MSG in Chinatown, so the residents there couldn't see Jeremy Lin play. They finally got a deal working just before the story aired, though.
Meanwhile, Stephen Colbert returned on Monday night, and hinted at what caused his absence, while debunking some nasty rumors about what happened.
He then covered the GOP primary between
Mitt Romney and
Rick Santorum.
Jon talked with
two opposition researchers about just what they do, and Stephen talked with author
Ann Patchett.