In sharing parts of my childhood sexual abuse, I have had to revisit some pretty painful memories. As I've said to many other survivors, re-telling is re-living.
In fact, this morning I sent the following message to our group - and I share it here because now, even at 43 years old, I still struggle with telling my story. I still harbor those familial loyalties, wear the shame and guilt associated with the term "incest" and feel others will never look at me the same...
I'm sitting here today with my stomach in my throat asking myself what have I done? Second-guessing my speaking out, feeling vulnerable, exposed, as the audience grows wider, people I know are reading this and all of those fears of how will they look at me now - now that they know...
So I'm scared and I'm sad and I'm uncomfortable in my own skin because the wounds are deep and now they're open and exposed and I'm bleeding and EVERYONE'S watching..
And I want to recoil, want to crawl back into my "perfect" little life, put on that facade that everything's ok and that there isn't anything I can't do and go back to the safety of the secrets...
BUT I CAN'T - BECAUSE IF I DO MORE CHILDREN WILL CONTINUE BEING RAPED AND HURT BY THOSE WHO ARE SUPPOSED TO PROTECT THEM AND I'M SITTING HERE CRYING AT MY DESK AT WORK AND I'M JUST SO FUCKING MAD!!!
sorry - it's a really rough day today. But you guys know what that feels like. And that's why I come here because I know I am safe. As vulnerable as I feel I know here I can just sit and cry and I'm not alone.
The Rules:
This is a community diary for survivors of abuse - emotional and psychological, physical, sexual and assaults. Emotions run high in these diaries and comment threads. The experiences are personal, life altering, and traumatic.
1. If you are going to be a jerk in this virtual living room...leave now.
2. If you want to compare these experiences to something totally unrelated - leave now.
3. If you are supportive even if you have not been a victim, welcome. You are the people that help us climb the trees.
To all the survivors - welcome to The Tree™
Literature Review
DISCOVERY OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
CSA is revealed in many ways, only one of which is direct disclosure by child victims to an adult when seeking protection or help. CSA often does not come to light because of a child’s disclosure about it but rather through multiple other routes that lead to discovery. For instance, children may drop hints to parents or teachers that they hope will alert them to something unpleasant (“I don’t like that babysitter” or “I couldn’t sleep last night”).
An adult may catch a glimpse of an inappropriate action that may not be obvious abuse but rather, more likely, appears to be only “odd” or suspicious behavior. Another child or adult may accidentally mention something that alerts an adult or at least creates suspicion. A parent may notice a child’s bloody or otherwise suspiciously stained underwear when doing laundry. A note or diary may be found. Children may show signs of physical trauma through difficulty walking or chronic sore throats, or they may present with unexplained somatic complaints such as repeated head- or stomachaches. Children may present at the emergency room with genital damage, a sexually transmitted disease (STD), or even pregnancy. From our clinical experience, family members most commonly sense that something “is not right” and notice a certain amount of secrecy but cannot put their finger on what’s wrong.
DISCLOSURE OF CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE
Disclosure by the victim is one significant way incidents of CSA are discovered, yet disclosure is often delayed and many children keep abuse secret into adulthood (Alaggia, 2004, London, Bruck, Ceci, & Shuman, 2005; Smith et al., 2000). In fact, the majority of sexually abused children do not reveal sexual abuse during childhood (London et al., 2005). Often, the child is “groomed” to become accustomed to an escalating set of events that progress from “innocent” touch to serious abuse incidents (Salter, 1995). By the time the child is experiencing severe abuse, several things may have occurred: the child may feel responsible or feel guilty for not telling sooner and the child may become inappropriately acclimated to the abuse as a normal life event and may even enjoy certain aspects of the relationship with the offender and thus take steps to protect the offender. Children are also frequently threatened not to tell (Salter, 1995). Active disclosure in childhood results in more violent abuse for some children (Jonzon & Lindblad, 2004).
WHO/WHAT/WHEN/WHERE/HOW?
Children often grapple with whether to tell, whom to tell, what to tell, and when to disclose so as to obtain protection while minimizing negative outcomes for themselves and their families. Children frequently experience disbelief, confusion, and unreality as they try to understand the trauma they have suffered in a context in which their lives continue as if nothing has happened. Children may not have the linguistic or cognitive abilities to understand completely what has happened, or the offender may have deliberately provoked confusion, and so children often dismiss the early incidents as “a dream,” “a nightmare,” or just their imagination and therefore are hesitant to disclose (Everson, 1997). Rarely does a child simply make a straightforward report after the first incident of abuse (Alaggia, 2004).
OK, I'VE TOLD YOU - NOW WHAT?
Adults who receive disclosures are often unprepared to respond appropriately because of lack of information, fear, and their own emotional reactions. Even when adults listen to a disclosure, they may respond in ways that upset the child or contribute to a retraction of the report, or they may misinterpret the situation by either exaggerating or minimizing its significance (Jensen, Gulbrandsen, Mossige, Reichelt & Tjersland, 2005; Staller & Nelson-Gardell, 2005). If the person to whom a child discloses then confronts the abuser and the abuser successfully defends himself or herself against the accusations, this often results in both punishment and increased suffering for the child, who has learned that—indeed—he or she will not be believed. (Offenders will often admonish children that if they tell what has happened, they will not be believed.)
Fontes, L., & Plummer, C. (2010). Cultural issues in disclosures of child sexual abuse. Journal Of Child Sexual Abuse, 19(5), 491-518. doi:10.1080/10538712.2010.512520
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