I was recently given the series Life (narrated by Oprah) as a late Christmas gift. I love documentaries and those about nature are simply heavenly so I’m enjoying every byte of this treat (watch out for puns). While watching such things I invariably have great intellectual moments but forget them within minutes (let’s say I’m old and leave it at that). Since these are on disc, however, it finally occurred to me that I can pause it, write out my thoughts and then make a column from them. This new techno-age is great. I’m getting dish tomorrow so can soon pause any show I watch. This means that you, reader, can finally learn the secrets of life, the Universe and everthing. I get to spend some quality time practicing my writing. Yes, it saddens me that few will read this proof of my brilliance unless I go viral…ah-choo…but that’s a writer’s albatross. I see a diary as a conversation so I hope you'll enjoy my writing and we’ll enjoy many conversations.
I’ll start with Primates (episode 10) because that’s the episode I just watched. I’m brilliant but a bit slow.
Primates often remind us of ourselves for good reason...we are one of their kind. Possibly the final model, in fact. We exhibit tendencies found in most primate structures but with modifications. Take class structuring, for instance. It seems to be built into our species’ genes. Just look at Japan's snow monkeys (who live in Monkey Park). The highest ranking females and their brat kids watch from heated springs as lower-class outcasts freeze, or even die, outside the posh “naturist” colonies. This is necessary to preserve the primo gene pool (I love puns) which have been proven better stock by virtue, or more accurately without virtue, of the fact those families have put a serious hurt on everyone else. Might makes rights, freezing dudes.
Western lowland silverbacks sometimes kill all the infants of a rival male. They were obviously products of weaker genes since that rival is no longer around. Silverbacks thump their chests in order to avoid fights that will result in death. The sound, which exhibits their size and strength, can be heard two miles away. Their eyes betray their intelligence as they watch over the kids and survey for the best food. In our society we call silverbacks the 1%. Gorillas feel silverbacks are a very necessary part of their society but humans feel the 1% can go to hell.
Spectral tarsiers are the closest surviving relative to the original primates. They are also the shortest (so fuck off, Randy Newman). They survive off nocturnal insects, much like sexual shoppers *_@, and good communication which calls stragglers home (Dem’s sometimes try to do this with the GOP and almost always regret it).
Gibbons sing a song to display their size and, therefore, make other males try a different forest section. Humans use cars parked in driveways. Francois’ leaf monkeys are born bright orange so their mom can easily keep an eye on ‘em until they turn snow white within a few months. Extreme Muslims and Christians think they can become snow white after killing people—too often a lot of people. Female ringtail lemurs advertise their in heat by peeing on a tree. Human males also like peeing on trees and secretly fantasize about peeing on other humans. I believe that to be so but actual proof is hard to come by, lol. They (the leaf monkeys) fuck on top of cactus after a few minutes of flirting. I like the quick results but prefer a mattress or wood or something without the side effect of cactus balls. The orange orangutan male is a neglectful father. In fact, he has nothing to do with his offspring. They live in a rain forest so protect themselves from downpours with a covering of leaves. They look like homeless human males who have forsaken their offspring and spiraled down until something makes them beg their ex-spouse for forgiveness (according to Lifetime Channel). Chacma Baboons feed from food provided by tides so have figured out complex tidal charts even more accurate than our own. Whiteface Capuchins also use tides to collect clams. They hammer the aphrodisiac against tree limbs in order to weaken the muscle which holds the clam shut. Yes, they’re that smart. Humans weaken the others muscles by beating them against whatever’s handy and stealing their clams. Brazil’s brown tufted capuchins are smarter—they use tools. Further, the tufted capuchins eat ants so their grocery bill is next to nothing. They learn new traits that becomes unique to the specific capuchin family within a generation. Humans learn next to nothing…ever. But wait…our closest relatives, chimpanzees, use tools, have empathy and can deceive. See that, women, it’s biologic so get off our silver backs. Chimps, our absolute closest relative (you can put that on a job application), even act altruistically. That, alone, makes them more valuable to evolution than us.
Primates have been on this earth for a long time yet the ultimate primate (us) might be the final evolutionary step. Especially with current GOP attitudes and Climate Change deniers. Will we cause the extinction of civilizations? Well, there’s an excellent movie that I’ve just seen which addresses that very question. Watchmen. It’s the story of aging super heroes who are being killed off while Richard Nixon, in his fifth term, presides over tensions with Russia that could very quickly become Armageddon. Can the heroes settle their own identity angst in time to figure out what’s going on and save humanity? It’s a beautifully done cerebral movie with plenty of action and hot body visuals. It’s also the perfect sequel to Life’s Primate episode (though its last line is more reminiscent of The Incredible Shrinking Man) because it aims at our behaviors and appetites. There’s a beautiful moment in which Dr Manhattan realizes what a miracle is and I was right there with him in seeing it for the first time. I don’t think I’m giving away big secrets by making its last line that of this column’s, as well. “Nothing ends. Nothing ever ends.”