Given the general tone of idiocy that pervades the GOP primary process, it seems only fair to describe it in foolish poetic terms. With this in mind, your intrepid diarist will chronicle tonights results in limerick form. You're welcome to contribute your own limericks or other absurdly-scripted commentary.
We’ve heard little from Newt for a while
(Being reticent isn’t his style)
But fear not: he’s alive
On a Shermanesque drive
Through the South, where big wins he’ll compile.
Some have guessed that Ron Paul’s made his stand
Just to favor his offspring, young Rand
So he labors to keep
Rand in line as Mitt’s veep
And Santorum gets punked, just as planned.
As Santorum feels victory’s near
His grim plans are increasingly clear:
It's your body? Yeah right!
We'll be watching each night.
("Inquisitions" are planned, so we hear).
Ricky's worried that Satan looms large
That the Dark Lord is leading the charge
So Santorum's afraid
Someone, somewhere gets laid
So into every bedroom he'll barge.
Your professors are liberal snobs!
Just drop out, and take low-paying jobs!
Look at me, if you please
(But ignore my degrees...)
In my world, you're all pitiful slobs.
Arizona's Jan Brewer (that twit)
Has come out to endorse Mister Mitt
Mitt, I'm sure must be thrilled
To have someone strong-willed
The personification of "grit".
Michiganders view Mitt with dismay
He had plenty of gumption to say:
"Let Detroit go to seed!
Let them suffer and bleed!
(Bain can make much more money that way!)"
Can the voters endure this campaign?
As it reaches the threshold of pain?
It will drag on and on
'Til our patience is gone
And we've all gone completely insane.
5:51 PM PT: Well, the spinning's already begun
Mitt assures us that he will have won
Exit polls - as we've learned
Are a way to get burned
Pundits flying too close to the sun.
There's no Michigan landslide, too bad
Both Santorum and Mitt will be sad.
Can the Dems save the day?
Will "Hilarity" pay?
When this ends, we'll be grateful and glad.
6:04 PM PT: Now the voting has ended at last
Arizona results announced - fast!
Romney wins, so they say
But up Michigan way
We must wait until more time has passed.
6:28 PM PT: Well, the "crossover Dems" went for Rick
(Voting that way can make someone sick!)
Let's just hope this won't mean
Rick would win (how obscene!)
He's a vile, despicable prick.
7:18 PM PT: Rick Santorum is speaking, oh, crap
The results are all over the map
Romney's first, not by much
Paul's in third; in a clutch
Gingrich rounds out the field (what a sap!)
7:41 PM PT: Well, it's over: Mitt won in both states
(But at least we had short enough waits...)
So campaigns carry on
'Til their dignity's gone
Like a series of awful blind dates.