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As an expert on translating Rush Limbaugh's words into what he really means, I would like to offer my services explaining exactly what Limbaugh was really saying in releasing this insincere half-apology to Sandra Fluke. Here is what Limbaugh said, followed in italics by what he was actually thinking:

For over 20 years, I have illustrated the absurd with absurdity, three hours a day, five days a week.
I talk a lot. I can't be held responsible for accidentally saying something over and over again 20 times.
In this instance, I chose the wrong words in my analogy of the situation.
My advertisers are upset with me.
I did not mean a personal attack on Ms. Fluke.
It wasn't personal. I was trying to insult all liberal women as sluts and prostitutes, like I always do.
I think it is absolutely absurd that during these very serious political times, we are discussing personal sexual recreational activities before members of Congress.
Unlike, say, discussing the personal sexual recreational activities of members of Congress like Anthony Weiner, or President Bill Clinton, which was not absurd at all during serious political times.
I personally do not agree that American citizens should pay for these social activities.
Except, of course, for the American citizens like Ms. Fluke who have to pay for birth control pills. What I meant to say is that American corporations shouldn't pay for medical expenses for women.
What happened to personal responsibility and accountability? Where do we draw the line?
If we allow birth control pills to be covered by insurance like other prescription pills, then pretty soon people may start illegally buying hundreds of thousands of dollars in prescription pills without suffering any penalty.
If this is accepted as the norm, what will follow? Will we be debating if taxpayers should pay for new sneakers for all students that are interested in running to keep fit?
As we all know, running is a liberal conspiracy which I refuse to obey.
In my monologue, I posited that it is not our business whatsoever to know what is going on in anyone's bedroom nor do I think it is a topic that should reach a Presidential level.
And that's exactly why I kept talking about what Ms. Fluke was doing in her bedroom, to illustrate that it was not my business to know anything about it.
My choice of words was not the best, and in the attempt to be humorous, I created a national stir.
I'm so funny, you people can't handle the humor.
I sincerely apologize to Ms. Fluke for the insulting word choices.
I sincerely want people to stop criticizing me for insulting women. I've done it so many times before, I can't believe that this one upset everybody.

Crossposted at LimbaughBook.

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