Ever wonder if you've got what it takes to be an NRA-Approved Avatar of Citizen Justice? Here's your handy NRA Deadly Force Aptitude Self-Assessment! Score 1 point for every right answer and answer the poll to see whether you're fit to mete out the death penalty on your fellow citizens!
1. Are you white? ❏ Yes ❏ No (Better make sure you have a good lawyer.)
2. Are you in a predominantly white neighborhood ? ❏ Yes ❏ No.
3. Are you armed? ❏ Hell yes. ❏ No (Godless commies only, please.)
4. Is the person you're thinking about shooting an African American? ❏ Yes ❏ No (Call your lawyer!)
5. Is the person "acting suspicious" ❏ Hell yes (Are you kidding, I answered "yes" to the previous 4 questions.) ❏ No. (If your lawyer isn't good enough to come up with that story, get a new lawyer!).
6. Did you check to be sure there's no witnesses around? ❏ Yes ❏ No
7. Are you a police officer? ❏ Yes (sorry, you'll have to use Taser first, but don't worry, that's also considered deadly force.) ❏ No, only a wannabe. (Don't let that stop ya!)
8. If your answer to #7 is "yes," is the person an African American riding away on a bicycle? ❏ Yes ❏ No.
9. if your answers to #7 and #8 were both yes, is the person over 60 years old, prone to seizures, and deaf? ❏ Yes ❏ No. (How can I tell? He won't respond when I'm yelling at him.)
10. If your answers to questions #7, #8, and #9 were all "yes", are you in Halifax County, North Carolina? ❏ Yes (Taser away!) ❏ No. (Taser away anyway.)
11. Can you count on a sufficiently incurious local police department? ❏ Yes ❏ No (have you called that lawyer yet?)
12. Is the person armed? ❏ Yes (Skittles are an armament, no?) ❏ No (Skittles bag is empty.).
13. If African-American, is the person male? ❏ Yes ❏ No. (Look, pal, we white folks spent the last 400 years building up the myth of the threatening black man, which works so well that we can arrest the (black) president of Harvard University when he's locked himself out of his own house. Don't blow all our good work.)
14. Is the person associated with a street gang? ❏ Yes (He's a black teenage male, what more do I need to know?. ❏ No. (So what, he's a black teenage male.)
15. Are you in a state which has a "stand your ground" law drafted by the NRA, like Florida? ❏ Yes. (All praise to the NRA, I am!) ❏ No. (Relocate now!)
16. If your answer to #15 was "yes", can you quickly memorize and recite back the following:
Officer, I was a a person who is not engaged in an unlawful activity and who is attacked in any other place where he or she has a right to be has no duty to retreat and has the right to stand his or her ground and meet force with force, including deadly force if he or she reasonably believes it is necessary to do so to prevent death or great bodily harm to himself or herself or another or to prevent the commission of a forcible felony.
❏ Yes. ❏ No. (So what, you're in Florida or some other "stand your ground' state, the police will do it for you.)
17. Have you started shooting yet? ❏ Yes. ❏ No. (What are you waiting for? In another three seconds he'll find out where the white women are at!)
Now put down your Number 2 pencils and score yourself on the chart below.