My Conservative Friends! Please listen closely! This is IMPORTANT!
BOO! Be afraid! Bad stuff is going to happen very, very soon, and you need to take action NOW or all hell is going to break loose!
Quick, grab all of your money, borrow if you have to, but get it quick. The clock is ticking! GO!! NOW!!
The evil, brainless, zombie minions of the Devil’s Campaign Coalition led by Soros, DailyKos, Media Matters, Acorn, NPR, Planned Parenthood and others from Hollywood are busy, busy I tell you, busy stealing your country, stealing your freedoms, ramming their hateful liberal agendas down your throats by attacking your Christian God-given, constitutional rights to be intolerant and by hatefully refusing to spend their money on the sponsors and supporters of your important, Christian God-blessed, conservative value agenda.
What can you do to stop this, you ask?
Spend, I tell you. Spend till it hurts. Spend until you can spend no more.
Obama is going to take away your guns! So quick, run out and buy at least 5 new weapons, preferably assault rifles, and make sure you buy enough ammo to last you at least a decade, but preferably a century! Get the expensive stuff, preferably containing metals harmful to the environment! Make a statement that you will not tolerate your freedoms being stolen. Pay no attention to anyone telling you that there are in fact no pending efforts on the part of the left to take your guns away. Those are all hateful LIES intended to dupe you into a false state of non-paranoid non-agitation.
They are driving Saint Rush off the airwaves! So quick, you need to buy the goods and services of anyone still willing to sponsor his oh-so-importantly-informative programming. Reward them for their loyalty and punish anyone who, out of hateful spite and intolerance, is attacking Rush’s Christian God-given First Amendment Rights to spew, I mean spread, his holy, conservative, Republican Word.
You need to rush out now and buy Ann Coulter’s and Bill O’Reilly’s books before their important messages to attack Obama’s kids and sluts, I mean women, are drowned out by the hateful, intolerant attacks from the left. I know you haven’t actually listened to anything that has been said by Rachel Maddow, or Steven Colbert, or John Stewart, but if you had your blood would run cold and in your heated rage you just might need to run out and buy multiple copies of these books. The stores have lots of them; heavily discounted.
Prove to these horrible unamericans that climate change is a HOAX, a HOAX I tell you, by buying the biggest most gas guzzling cars you can find. Will a stretch Humvee fit in your driveway? Make a statement that you will not be cowed, that you are not sheep to be herded off a cliff like stupid, liberal lemmings.
And light bulbs! You need to go out and buy lots and lots of incandescent light bulbs before Obama takes them away!! Buy enough to light up even the darkest corners of your closed little minds.
You need to start spending your cash, spend until it is gone. Because of your Christian God-given Conservative Supreme Court, you can now spend unlimited amounts of money to make sure Not-Mitt is your candidate to unseat that dirty socialist unamerican muslim now Occupying YOUR White House! So, GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. Bill Maher just gave $1 Million to Obama. You need to fight this. Don’t let Maher buy this election!!
Cuz, here’s the thing. You stupid Republicans have rammed an insane agenda of austerity down our throats with your babble about deficits and socialism and stuff, with dramatically adverse impacts on the economy in terms of slowing any recovery and risking in fact a double-dip, super duper, jack-knife dive back into the Great Depression II. You have done this intentionally and cynically, to keep the economy down, in the hope and prayer that Obama will take the blame and that this will make electing one of your Not-Mitts easier.
This is very bad behavior, indeed, but what’s done is done, as it were. So we what need now is some stimulus spending to generate more demand. We need to tap some new, inexhaustible source of energy. And that magical supply, that life-giving source, is the bottomless pit of your Christian God-given Conservative Hatred, and your Ignorance, and your Fear.
So, please, HATE, BE STUPID, BE AFRAID! BOO! Run out and spend like the hate-fed headless chickens you are. Spend until all of your money is gone.
Then we can say, "HA HA, You are POOR now. Good luck with your health insurance, and your below minimum wages. Have fun as part-time greeters at Walmart." We will enjoy yelling “Get a Fucking Job!” at you when you hold out your hand for some help.
Okay, Okay, we won’t do those things. Those are things Republicans do.
We just try to make lemonade out of lemons.