Resumé
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren't lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
Dorothy Parker
Let me start with a disclaimer. Everything I am about to write about my feelings and thoughts are things I have already shared with 2 of my doctors and my therapist. They all think I’m fine. Well, truthfully, they all think I’m nuts but they don’t think I am a danger to myself or others.
I want to write about something I find very curious, the fact that when confronted with a diagnosis of cancer many people turn to thoughts of suicide. Here are some links (there are many more) that show studies of this very thing. Read them if you like, I find them too depressing.
http://www.cancer.gov/...
http://www.croh-online.com/...(10)00125-3/abstract
http://www.scribd.com/...
http://www.breastcancer.org/...
I remember listening to a woman as she talked of her plans to kill herself IF the tests came back showing that she had cancer. The thought that she might have cancer was enough to make her start planning her demise. I felt like she was jumping the gun a bit so to speak.
My first reaction to finding out I had cancer was not one of suicide but I did start planning for my death. I appointed a guardian for my pets, made a will of sorts and made arrangements for my body.
I also began to stash meds for myself in case the time came when things were so bad that I felt the need to kill myself. But I did not feel suicidal and still don’t. Yet lately I have been having these thoughts.
Now, I have ADHD so I generally have a lot of thoughts, dozens running through my head at any given time. I am also a little OCD and I like to plan things in detail. Put these 2 together and I come up with carefully crafted bizarre plans.
Part of my job doesn’t require much thought so my mind has a lot of free time. I find myself wondering if I could rob a Brinks truck nonviolently and I can spend hours running down every scenario. My most recent odd notion was the idea of a church that would allow pets at every service.
I’m an atheist so I would have to hire a preacher of some sort and I planned research into which religion likes pets the most. I gave a lot of thought to what the pews would be like; would there be separate sections for dogs and cats? Water bowls? Would incense bother them? (In case Catholics like pets the most.) Somehow I thought this could be a money maker for me.
Lately though most of my plans involve ways to kill myself. I was downtown at a lawyer’s office sitting in a conference room. A Bank of America was across the street. Suddenly some worker popped up through a hatch and started walking around the roof. That got me thinking… If I’m going out I might as well make a statement. If I jump off the roof of a B of A surely the media will find out that they tried to take my house away. That ought to show them! So I pondered if the roof was high enough to actually kill me if I jumped. (I have yet to google that but one of my docs says no.) And how would I get to the roof? Would my handyman help me get up there?
Next I wondered if I had enough drugs in my house to kill myself. Yes, and probably enough for everyone reading this diary. But how would I take them? At some point wouldn’t I just pass out? So I would need to crush up tons to add to something to drink wouldn’t I? And would I need a Phenergan first to make sure I didn’t throw them all up?
And I guess I would have to do it at a B of A to really make the statement I want.
Then I thought of shooting myself, but again it would have to be public to make a statement - like on TV. But how would I gain entrance to a TV studio? Well, brandishing a gun might help. But where would I get a gun? Oh, yeah, I live in TN; I would go to the corner Gun Depot. I was talking to a friend of mine about this plan and when we reached this point she asked me if I knew how to use or load a gun. Of course I don’t. That’s when she lost it laughing and pointed out I can’t set the clock on my TV and have a hard time changing batteries. No way could I use a gun.
My crazy thoughts aren’t what are curious to me though. That’s just another day in my life and sometimes I find myself very entertaining. What I can’t figure out is why would people want to kill themselves when they find out they have what may (or may not) be a fatal disease?
I just can’t figure this out. I understand that when cancer is progressed and pain is unbearable and death inevitable suicide may be a very rational thought. For me I know my doctors will help with that.
But to start planning it the minute you’re diagnosed or before the tests are even in? Nothing in the links I listed really goes into this they don’t differentiate between the suicidal thoughts of someone diagnosed 5 minutes ago and someone in hospice, in agony at the end of their life.
Frankly I am baffled. Is it a control issue? Is it the dying process that is scary? Not death itself? Where do these thoughts come from? What are they about? I have no answers. I do know that I am not my thoughts (or I’d be rich with Brinks money and running my own pet church by now), I am so much more than my thoughts. So I am safe, not to worry, but I’m reminded again why I think a diagnosis of cancer should come with a prescription for anti-depressants.
Monday Night Cancer Club is a Daily Kos group focused on dealing with cancer, primarily for cancer survivors and caregivers, though clinicians, researchers, and others with a special interest are also welcome. Volunteer diarists post Monday evenings between 7-8 PM ET on topics related to living with cancer, which is very broadly defined to include physical, spiritual, emotional and cognitive aspects. Mindful of the controversies endemic to cancer prevention and treatment, we ask that both diarists and commenters keep an open mind regarding strategies for surviving cancer, whether based in traditional, Eastern, Western, allopathic or other medical practices. This is a club no one wants to join, in truth, and compassion will help us make it through the challenge together.