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Hi – I am Dick Cheney's heart. Not the new one. The old one. I am currently in a jar in a laboratory with all kinds of electrodes poking and prodding me. Seems some mad scientist wants to study me to understand the heart of a monster.

Fool. And that's why I am transmitting this message. To clear my name.

It's not the heart of a man which carries the content of his character. It's his brain.

Now this would seem elementary. Duh. But human beings have been using the simple pump organ to identity with a human's emotional landscape since time immemorial. Black Heart. Heart of Gold. Valentine's Day hearts. The heart symbol doesn't even look like a heart which looks more like a fist of meat. It's a carry over from idiots who thought the earth was flat, the gods were a pantheon and/or some old dude with a beard and the heart was the seat of the mind, the throne of the soul.  

Well we know better now, don't we? The world is a globe, the gods are myths and the seat of the mind is the brain. But I can verify the soul thing: I have seen the ghosts of napalm, depleted uranium, white phosphorous and drones hovering over his head.

So when the former Vice President and un-indicted war criminal had me liberated from his putrid self there were all kinds of: “I didn't think Dick Cheney even had a heart” jokes. Ha-ha. Very funny. Like any human being, even a monster, could live without a blood pump. Hell, I'd been trying to get out of there for decades. I attacked him five times, since he was 37 and the little sucker just wouldn't die. He fought back with a vengeance - drugs, valves, bypasses, artificial pumps; but finally, it was me or him and since he has the money, connections and the devil on his side, they found and gave him a new heart. No one knows where it came from. But I pity the fool, the new heart, to have to live in the squalid nervous system which is Dick Cheney.

You see, while the heart is not the brain or mind of a man, we still see and hear lots of things that go on inside the body. The incessant self-aggrandizing chatter. The circle thoughts to justify torture on other human beings who happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. The delusions of grandeur. All those vapid lunches with Bush; Cheney sitting there with his Cheshire Cat grin of condescending arrogance and his constant sublingual mumbling of “stupid motherfucker” as he explained the 1% solution to the former President and un-indicted war criminal. “George if there is a one percent chance of one of our citizens being a terrorist, then we've got to treat them all like terrorists.” His disdain for anything Democratic. His disdain for The People. His misplaced entitlement and exceptionalism.

Some folks just think they are better, smarter and sexier than anyone else. They believe they have a divine right to rule. They believe they are one of the 'wise men.' And when you look at the facts on the ground, he has some mojo on his side. He entered into secret negotiations with the oil majors to divvy up mid-eastern oil before 911 gave him the New Pearl Harbor he needed to declare war on the world. He lied his way into Iraq. He got the evil Saddam. He almost got his Iran war, but Bush was too superstitious to have a war with two countries beginning with “I” at the same time. He made sure all his cronies got no-bid contracts for billions in profit for substandard work. He was by every measure a success. Remember, the Ends Justify the Means.

But I had nothing to do with hit. As I say, I tried to stop him. But the medical profession just won't let anyone who can pay die without a fight. 'Survival of the Richest” is the motto of the AMA. It used to be Do No Harm. But that was before the billions of big Pharma decided the only medical treatment was the management of symptoms, not the cure of disease.

Remember, they say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. They talk about your fried brains on drugs. The  heart doesn't think or judge or decide. The heart is there at the mercy of pink slime and MSG and Aspartame and all the poisonous junk people eat. Cigarettes and Stress. Cholesterol and Diabetes. The heart is at the mercy of the brain and mind. We don't do a thing but keep you alive and this is the thanks we get. To be blamed for the emotional landscapes of pedophiles, war criminals and monsters of every human type.

Well enough is enough. Like the stupid mad scientist whose jar I reside. Trying to study me to discern the mind of a monster. It's Cheney's brain which needs to be removed and thrown into a jar with electrodes and tubes and this awful smelling solution they got me floating in.

I wish Dick Cheney a long and productive life hunting, fishing, fuming, trying to revise history and kibitzing from the sidelines of our critically diseased, debilitated and chronically disfigured political system.

But when he finally succumbs as all animals must, and his eulogies of infamy are written.

Don't blame his arrogance, ignorance, cruelty and folly on a bad heart.

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