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               Stego leaving

Now that Casinosaurus adelsonii has cut off Stegasaurus newtii’s behemoth line of credit and pronounced that his former political darling is now “at the end of his line”, it’s time to face the Mesozoic music: extinction is now a matter of “when”, not “if”, for this bloviating beast.

Just as one always realizes too late that they should have kicked out their free-loading brother-in-law, broken off their relationship with the greedy gold-digger girlfriend, quit that dead-end job, or sold that underperforming stock, C. adelsonii is probably kicking himself and wondering why he didn’t see the warning signs.  

The rest of us could see them a kilometer away: a pompous, self-absorbed guy who’s lived off the largesse of other people for every single moment of his misbegotten life takes $15 million dollars and delivers nothing whatsoever in return? Yeah, that sounds like a bet worth making. Maybe it's time to double down... again.

In typical displacement behavior fashion, S. newtii claims that he is reorganizing his campaign, scaling back his plans, and curtailing his travel, but anyone with a basal ganglion’s worth of intelligence can see the petroglyphs on the wall: it’s over.  

When S. newtii (or Gropasaurus hermanii) tells you that they’re working on “bold solutions”, it means that they have nothing whatsoever to offer other than more random vocalizations.  They’re financially, politically, and morally bankrupt. They're counting on you to fall for this saurian schtick one more time. Luckily, you're too highly evolved for that crap.

Despite S. newtii’s loudly articulated plans to campaign in every state and make his final triumphant stand at the GOPasaur convention in the Mesozoic miasma of Tampa this summer, many doubt that he will have much influence on the proceedings beyond that of saurian spoiler.  Even primitive reptiles resent those who try to poach their hard-won territory and food supply.

All those whom S. newtii so energetically scorned on his brief, meteoric rise to relevance will surely remember the sneers, the derision, and the vicious attacks that he leveled at everyone within his drainage basin. Dinosaurs may not be the intelligentsia of the animal kingdom, but what they lack in brainpower, they more than make up for in their penchant for petty vengeance.  Expect some serious fang action before this is over.

While some imagine that S. newtii would consider a vice-presidential role, no thinking GOPasaur would tolerate this backstabbing creature anywhere within striking distance.  Nor would S. newtii be a good match for sensitive assignments such as Secretary of State or cabinet leadership posts… or any role that involves tact, diplomacy, compromise, respect, sensitivity, collaboration, discretion, empathy, or other traits that will take hundreds of millions of years to evolve.

If any sort of Jurassic justice prevails in this world, S. newtii would slink away to the Tar Pits of Irrelevance and bother us no further. Instead, we'll likely be hearing his bellowing voice for a while longer until he and his mate, the ambitious Callistasaurus tiffanii, finally grasp the fact that Darwin has punched their ticket, and it's time to go.

Originally posted to cassandracarolina's fossil record on Thu Mar 29, 2012 at 12:50 PM PDT.

Also republished by Hydrant and Kos Georgia.


What's next for Newt and Callista?

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