Warnings: May not be entirely truthful. Check date and time of posting. Do not let rushes of euphoria distract you from driving. Wait a minute, what are you doing reading this while driving? Are you stuck in a ten-day traffic jam or something?
New York, New York: Today, Sarah Palin confirmed the long-standing rumor floating around the Twitterverse. She is, indeed, quitting Fox News.
"It was gettin all hard, what with all their words and the filmin and so on," the ex-governor of Alaska said. "The fact that it happens to be about the midway between my contract with them will be distorted by the lamebrain media that hates hard workin conservatives like me. I needed more time for my family, especially Todd, who's finally created that country for us to live in he's always wanted, donchaknow."
A Fox News employee, speaking off the record, admitted not only that the former governor had quit halfway through her official contract with the company, but that executives "planned for that. We made sure her contract was only about half as long a term as Governor Palin thought it was. So really, her contract was up."
There is no word yet on who will replace Ms. Palin on the news network, though sources tell us the network is busy tapping the phones of news anchors "all over the world" to find a good replacement.
From the On-Line World: YouTube has long been under pressure from not only media interests, but right-wing advocacy groups to clean up its content and make it child-friendly. In an effort to appease anti-pornography crusaders, YouTube's spokesman Chet Youbetcha announced that soon, YouTube will ban all videos featuring nakedness, "including naked animals."
"We thought it was best for the children," he added, "if they saw all animals wearing clothing, just as God intended." Reading from the piece of paper in his hand, he continued. "We are working hard to do this. Now, maybe all these (expletive deleted) will leave us alone."
A spokesman for Truth and Righteousness in Internet Media, (TRIM) Mr. John Jeffries welcomed the news. "We've been concerned with the growing trend of animal nudity in our country. We don't think it's a coincidence that rampant immorality grew when movies featuring animals, especially chimpanzees, wearing clothing, declined."
A few radicals are speaking out on the pro-nudity side, but frankly, we think they're disgusting, so we aren't going to interview them or say anything about them other than they're crazy.
*Springfield, IL: The Illinois legislature is working hard in the agricultural committee to improve healthcare for its citizens.
Yes, its human citizens.
Representatives have noted the massive lack of access to healthcare in their state and have responded by having the agricultural committee look into "having vets take care of the very poor."
Reached for comment, one Republican said, "Well, there aren't enough doctors, and hell, animals are almost like people. I like my dog better than most people, frankly, and his vet's good enough for people."
Veterinary groups are protesting, saying that animal doctors already have enough to do as well, but representatives are pushing forward. Another Republican said, "Hell, scientists tell us we're all animals, right? So we're gonna agree with 'em."
Special Comment: Keith Olbermann Joins Richard Simmons!
Yes, the long-time fiery cable news host, having made things too hot to handle at his newest post in news at Current TV, has decided to concentrate on making everyone else become healthier. "I've long had an interest in healthcare, ever since it came up during President Obama's first term," Mr. Olbermann said, "and now it's time to put my boots on the ground for this issue."
Mr. Olbermann will host a new Web-only show, Sweatin' to the Old Crazies, where he does mild (at first) exercise routines to insane speeches by Republican lawmakers. Eventually he says he will work his way up to sped-up speeches, and when he's really in shape, "maybe even two speeches at the same time."
*Okay, this one has a slight relationship to reality. The others really don't, with all apologies to Mr. Olbermann, Mr. Simmons, YouTube, and so on.