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I'm sorry I was not in church today. I was out smoking crack with Satan this morning. But that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Obviously, I am not good enough for Rick Santorum. I am not even Catholic. So why should I try and live up to his impossible standards of goodness? Since I'm so obviously going to hell anyway, I might as well go to hell with a bang.

Since I'm so obviously one of those elitist tree-huggers, I'm going to go over to Massachusetts and meet with 10 fellow tree huggers who share my radical agenda of ruining everyone's Easter dinner. We're going to have some witchcraft ceremonies and then talk about how we the Grand New Age Conspiracy to Take Over the World is coming. We're going to finish with a grand sacrifice to Baal and perform some orgies, then it's off to the next thing.

Since I so obviously am one of those lazy bums who doesn't know what to do with their valuable time, I'm off to California next. I'm gonna go to a hospital, tell the doctor I am mortally sick with terminal stage 4 cancer, and wrangle some pot so I can spend the next week in a daze.

Then, I'm gonna do my part to wreck society as we know it. I'm gonna go to a homeless shelter and give a bunch of money to homeless people. It's their fault that they are this way. But guess what -- I'm not good enough for Santorum, so why should I care. After all, since George Bush took over in 2001, all the jobs have gone to the people with the right connections anyway. You know, the Do Re Mi. If you ain't got the Do or the Re, you ain't gonna get a call from me.

Then, I'm gonna go to my favorite cult, the Unitarian Universalist Church, where we do absolutely nothing. After all, we so obviously are a non-Christian cult in Rick Santorum's book (Any religion, including the Mormons, who doesn't believe in the right doctrines is a non-Christian cult akin to Jim Jones and David Koresh). So we're gonna do absolutely nothing whatsoever on a Sunday morning. Given, of course, that going to a homeless shelter and volunteering and going and comforting someone in prison who has terminal cancer and who took pot to ease their pain and make their life more bearable counts for nothing.

All this, of course, sounds like a lot of time and money. But hey -- I gotta follow the Grand Design of Satan to bring about the Antichrist onto this world and usher in the Great Tribulation. After all, I don't take faith seriously. I'm just a latte-drinking liberal. All I want is power and immortality.

Originally posted to Stop the Police State! on Sun Apr 08, 2012 at 12:21 PM PDT.

Also republished by DKOMA, Community Spotlight, and Street Prophets .

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