We have to go deeper ...
(Gage Skidmore/
Flickr)
In Sheriff Joe Arpaio news, America's Dumbest Sheriff is beginning to wonder why nobody seems to be talking about his crazy-ass investigation into previously debunked crazy-ass theories as to whether the president of These United States is even an American citizen, or just the result of a decades-long conspiracy to
something something something:
KLEIN: We understand the media, but what about GOP lawmakers on this? Are Republican lawmakers afraid of this too?
APRAIO: I’ve had presidential candidates visit me in my office. I’ve talked to every one of them. … I don’t see anybody talking about this. I don’t see any senators talking about it. But when the mention me, they seem to forget my name. So isn’t that interesting? On both sides of the fence, they don’t want to talk about it. … How come everybody’s hiding this?
Hmm. That is a very good question indeed.
Why are the Republican presidential candidates not talking about this? After all, Arpaio previously opined that his Very Serious Investigation was "
bigger than Watergate"—but he still can't get even the cream of the Republican crop to pay attention to him?
Here's a little experiment I suggest Sheriff Joe try. Go up to random people on the street; tell them you have a new theory. This theory is that the 40th president of the United States, a certain Mr. Ronald Reagan, was in fact a robot. Not just any robot, but a robot powered by the farts of one dozen little box turtles, turtles that only ate jellybeans. The goal of this robot was to convince America to build a gigantic, turtle-shaped moonbase, but the turtles were easily distracted and the project goals became more abstract things involving space and lasers and the like. Oh, and all this can be proven because this one time, in an old Ronald Reagan movie, one of the other actors said something that, if you play the scene backwards, sounds a little like "beware the farting Reagan turtles."
When you tell people this, they will almost certainly either walk or run away from you; there will be very, very few people who actually take your theory seriously. This could be for only one of two reasons:
1) Your theory is stupid, and you should feel bad.
2) They are all in on the turtle-powered Reagan conspiracy. Every last lettuce-eating one of them.
Your mission, Sheriff Joe, is to use all the power of the department which you head to determine which of those things is most likely, and to extrapolate from that investigation why even prominent Republican officeholders are, as you put it, "hiding" the truth about Barack Obama. Go. Do that now. We'll wait.