Hey, 1%, you want those tax breaks?
Then you've got to be drug tested every week on your dime and make the test results publicly available. As a society, we are spending billions of dollars on you every year. We don't want any of this money going to drugs.
Also -- if you are female, you'll need to have a monthly fertility exam to determine whether or not you are pre-pregnant, as well as comply with our new menstrual reporting rules to make sure that, if conception occurs, you carry the pregnancy through to full term.
We'll also need you to open up all of your e-mail, text messages, Internet history and voice communications to surveillance. You see, we're giving you a lot of power by giving you our nation's wealth hand-over-fist, year after year. With privileges comes responsibility. And we want to make sure that you are using the money we give you responsibly.
After all, fair is fair.