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Last night, Stephen Colbert looked into the new bill in Tennessee that seeks to ban "gateway" acts like holding hands in school, which could eventually lead to premarital sex.

Well, lawmakers in Tennessee have found a way to nip this problem in the budding sexuality.  For more, we go to Action News 5, Memphis's news leader.
4/6/2012:

URSULA MADDEN, ACTION NEWS 5: Tennessee Senators have approved an update to the state's abstinence-based sex education law.

JERICA PHILLIPS, ACTION NEWS 5: In a new family life instructions bill, holding hands and kissing could be considered a gateway to having sex. ... The bill prohibits teachers from demonstrating gateway sexual activity.

Yes, teachers must stop demonstrating gateway sexual activity.  It's not enough to ban showing how to put a condom on a banana.  We have to stop teaching our kids how to French kiss a cantaloupe.  (aka "Honey-Doin' It")  Now, I believe that this law is vital.  Because things like holding hands and kissing are just like gateway drugs.  (Both Lead To Crack)  I mean, think about it.  Kissing and hugging are just the last stops before the train pulls into Groin Central Station.  ("Balls Aboard!")

Now, we desperately need to intervene earlier, to keep kids from engaging in gateway gateway sexual activities.  (Beforeplay)  You know, all the things that lead to the things that lead to sex.  It's a slippery slope.  And teachers must not tell you how it got slippery.  (K-Y Not?)

....

And ladies and gentlemen, if our children lack the self-control to hold in their hormones, then we have no option but to spay or neuter them.  I'm talking the full Bob Barker.  (The Slice Is Right)  Now, I here what people are thinking out there.  Sterilizing our children may sound cruel, but it's necessary to protect what is most precious to us: our belief that abstinence-only education works.

Video and full transcript below the fold.

Now folks, you watch this show, you know I do not believe teaching kids sex education.  You don't need to know any of the gory details until your wedding night.  Then, in the honeymoon suite, that's when Mrs. Feebert wheels in the chalkboard to map it out for you.

No.  I am a big proponent of abstinence-only education, which has proven effective with only one exception.  It doesn't work.  You see, a new report from the National Center for Health Statistics shows that states with abstinence-only education have higher teen pregnancy rates.  And of course, they're conveniently leaving out the fact that for nine months, those girls are not getting pregnant.  That's progress!

Now thankfully, there's a surefire way to strengthen our sexless-ed curriculum, and it brings us to tonight's Wørd: Gateway Hug.

Folks, the problem with abstinence-only education is that it asks kids to abstain only from sex, not from everything that leads up to it.  You know, first base, second base, whatever the kids call it these days.  (Charging The Mound?)  Well, lawmakers in Tennessee have found a way to nip this problem in the budding sexuality.  For more, we go to Action News 5, Memphis's news leader.

4/6/2012:

URSULA MADDEN, ACTION NEWS 5: Tennessee Senators have approved an update to the state's abstinence-based sex education law.

JERICA PHILLIPS, ACTION NEWS 5: In a new family life instructions bill, holding hands and kissing could be considered a gateway to having sex. ... The bill prohibits teachers from demonstrating gateway sexual activity.

Yes, teachers must stop demonstrating gateway sexual activity.  It's not enough to ban showing how to put a condom on a banana.  We have to stop teaching our kids how to French kiss a cantaloupe.  (aka "Honey-Doin' It")  Now, I believe that this law is vital.  Because things like holding hands and kissing are just like gateway drugs.  (Both Lead To Crack)  I mean, think about it.  Kissing and hugging are just the last stops before the train pulls into Groin Central Station.  ("Balls Aboard!")

Now, we desperately need to intervene earlier, to keep kids from engaging in gateway gateway sexual activities.  (Beforeplay)  You know, all the things that lead to the things that lead to sex.  It's a slippery slope.  And teachers must not tell you how it got slippery.  (K-Y Not?)

So, here's what you gotta do.  No being attractive.  For boys, that means when it's time to choose an instrument in music class, everyone gets a tuba.  They will stay virgins well into their 20s.  (No One Taps That Brass)  And girls.  Girls, it's very important, no cheerleading.  No hair-flipping.  No cute laughing.  No using green apple shampoo that a boy can smell from four rows back, why, Audrey Stapino, WHY DID YOU TORMENT ME WITH YOUR FRAGRANCE?!?  (What A Garnier Fruc-Tease!)

But you know, you know what really leads to leading to sex?  (Joining Secret Service?)  (wild audience laughter and applause)

Eye contact.  That's what it is.  And because the subtlest glance could lead to sexual activity, that is why I believe every child should be fitted with a pair of horse blinders.

Even if they somehow catch a glimpse of the opposite sex, no one's going to get it on with a tuba playing kid wearing horse blinders.  (Except Trombone Player Wearing Headgear)  Of course, the ultimate gateway to sex is puberty.  Those raging hormones coursing through our kids' veins have only one purpose: to turn them into mindless sex zombies.  (Plot Of Next "Twilight" Book)  That is why every child should sign a pledge promising not to go through puberty until after they are married.  Because I believe puberty is a choice.  (It's Hair, It's There, Get Used To It)

And ladies and gentlemen, if our children lack the self-control to hold in their hormones, then we have no option but to spay or neuter them.  I'm talking the full Bob Barker.  (The Slice Is Right)  Now, I here what people are thinking out there.  Sterilizing our children may sound cruel, but it's necessary to protect what is most precious to us: our belief that abstinence-only education works.  And that's the Wørd.  (Gateway Hug)  We'll be right back.

BTW, wanna get really depressed?  This bill passed the Tennessee state senate (with 33 members) 28-1-1.  ONE lone Democrat voted no, while another Democrat was present for the vote and did not cast a vote.  Interestingly, the infamous state senator behind the "Don't Say Gay" bill, Stacey Campfield, did not vote on this.  One other Democrat and one other Republican were also not present for the vote for whatever reason.


Stephen also profiled Ohio Senator Rob Portman as a potential VP pick for Romney.

He then looked at Nat Geo's new show "Doomsday Preppers", about people who prepare for various end of the world scenarios.
Meanwhile, Jon covered the GSA's Jeff Neely taking the fifth on even what his damn job title is at GSA, and on Google's invasion of privacy.
He then looked at Obama and Romney as comics.
Stephen spoke with Arianna Huffington, and Jon spoke with Robert Reich, which went long.  Here's the whole interview in three parts.
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3

Originally posted to BruinKid on Thu Apr 19, 2012 at 05:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Three Star Kossacks and Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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