Join us every Monday night for drinks at the Daily Kos community political poetry club. Your own poetry is always welcome in the comments. Bongos, berets & turtle neck sweaters optional. The keypad is mightier than the sword.
Dear Friends-
Longtime reader, first time writer…
Since the 1984 elections, Republican candidates have been appropriating songs from popular music as their theme tunes without bothering to ask for permission. They have had to cease and desist, often waiting until they receive a letter from a lawyer asking them to, well, cease and desist. One of the delightful sidebars to this has been their cluelessness about what the songs are actually saying. Cue, 'Born in the USA.'
All a subterfuge, however, to keep the media from focusing on the real story- that right wing operatives have been stealing some of these songs, and re-writing the lyrics to reflect their own pungent beliefs. Thanks to the discovery of a fat folder of these plagiarized tunes, accidentally left behind by some besotted Young Republican in a gin mill in Cincinnati, tonight I am able to bring you a sample of these songs.
You’ll need a strong stomach and a marginal ability to carry a tune. Here are a few of them, along with some introductory commentary about their nefarious intentions….
First up, this was apparently intended to be a Tea Party anthem. Sung to the tune of the Beatles song “Revolution”…
Evolution
We don’t believe in Evolution,
Well, you know
We don’t want the world to change
We just believe in absolution,
Well, you know
We don’t want the world to change
But when you’re talking education
Don't you know that you can count me out
Don't you know we’re gonna be all Right
all Right, all Right
You say you got the real solution
Well, you know
We trust the Bible more than you
You want to tackle global warming,
Well, you know
We don’t believe it’s really true
But when you want to take my money, and give it to people that I really hate
All I can tell you brother is you have to wait
Don't you know we’re gonna be all Right
all Right, all Right
ah, ah, ah, ah, ah...
Horrifying, huh?
In a stinging rebuke of the Republican brand and the two remaining moderates in the GOP, several tea party apparatchiks swiped a Sam Cooke tune and penned an anthem. This one apparently went viral with the “just hit forward” crowd.
We Haven’t a Party (to the tune of ‘We’re Having a Party,’ by Sam Cooke)
We haven’t a party
‘Cause everybody's right wing
Dancing to the musing
On the radio
So listen, Mr. Limbaugh
Keep those lies a’comin
'Cause I'm having such a good time
Tea-partyin’ with my baby
We haven’t a party
Don’t even get me started,
Talking ‘bout Obama
On the radio
Live in such a small world
Ammo’s on the table
Just me and my baby
And locks across the door
Ain’t nobody thinkin’
Workin’ up my list now…
so I’m givin’ orders, I....
I got a few for you
watch me stand my ground, yeah
‘cos I’m a vigilante,
Don’t believe in science
Guns always up the ante…
We haven’t a party
Cos Everybody's right wing
Dancing to the musing
On the radio
So listen, Mr. Limbaugh
Keep those lies a’comin
'Cause I'm having such a good time
Fightin’ with my neighbors…
Of course, the candidates hopped on to this train before it left the station. This next one was apparently penned for the sadly defunct (and dysfunctional) Rick Santorum campaign. Like Reagan, Santorum is apparently a Bruce Springsteen fan, stealing the melody “She’s the One,” from the classic Born to Run album. In this song, Ricky shared his deeply held beliefs about the role of women.
She’s A Nun (Sung to the tune of ‘She’s the One’ by Bruce…the other Bruce)
With her apron laces and her submissive graces bending to my will,
With a bowl of chips, she brings my slippers to the door, she’s always ready to greet me
With her perfect seams, standing in the kitchen like a dream, I wish she’d talk a little less
She knows I’m Master, here, she submits and obeys me here, then she cleans up my messes
With her long hair coiffed, and her downcast eyes that shine when she sees our sons,
Whoa-o, Be a nun
She’s a nun
Hear that thunder on the Right, you know I’m talking ‘bout my wife, you know she’s never gonna leave me.
She knows who’s the boss, all she really needs to do is shut her mouth and believe me
And tonight I’ll try just one more time, to pat her soft behind, and tell her what to do
Oh she can fake it, but if she wants to change things, she’s gonna find out that ain’t so easy to do
And no matter what she cooks, even if she bakes my favorite buns
Whoa-oh, love those buns,
She's a nun
With one chaste kiss, she’ll fill my lonely nights with carnal bliss
Any new ideas about changing things ‘round here, just forget’em little Miss,
Ohh, ohh
Oh, she's a nun
Oh, she's a nun
Love those buns
Yeah, she's a nun
Oh, she's my nun
She’s my nun
Yeah, yeah, yeah…
Mitt Romney, up next. Karl Rove's fingerprints are all over this baby. Apparently the idea was to take the Mittster's sordid history of predatory capitalism, and make it a centerpiece of his campaign- an unapologetic celebration of the life he’s chosen to lead. Mitt believes this qualifies him to step to the head of the class (his class) and become President. Never one to come up with an original thought, Mitt followed Santorum's lead, diving into the same Bruce Springsteen album for this ditty. This time, the sacrilege is perpetrated on the classic “Born To Run.”
Bain To Ruin (sung to the tune of ‘Born To Run,’ by Bruce Springsteen)
In the day you sweat it out on the streets turning labor into green
At night I live in mansions of glory that illegal aliens clean
One percent better than you 99
I’ve secured you a spot at the head of the welfare line
Baby we own it, and we won’t give it back
It’s a debt trap, we own all this crap,
We’ll bolt when we’re done screwin’
“Cause scamps like us, baby we are Bain To Ruin…
Wendy’s let us in we wanna be your friend
We wanna guard your dreams and visions
Just wrap your ledger round these corporate whims
And we’ll make financial decisions
Don’t doubt that we will beat the rap
We’ll stick till you drop, then baby we’ll never look back
Will you walk with me til you expire,
`just hand me the list of people i gotta fire
I’ve got plans I can’t reveal
It’s wild, girl, there’s so much here to steal
With over-leveraged buyouts, and maxxed out credit lines
We’ll default on your loans
Shut down your phones,
It really isn’t that hard
You’ll be sleeping in the park where it’s cold and dark
When we’ve finished we will leave you pissed,
We wanna die with you Wendy’s, if the price is right,
It’s an everlasting diss
Wall Street’s jammed with well-paid zero’s on a last chance power drive
Everybody’s on the run from subpoena’s tonight but there's no place left to hide
For a while, Wendy’s we’ll live with the sadness
Eat up your assets, you’ll be a victim of corporate madness
Someday girl I don't know when, you’re gonna lose that race
And we’ll toss you aside, that time is comin’ soon
But til then scamps like, baby we are Bain to Ruin….
Honey, scamps like us, baby we are Bain to Ruin…
Finally, we discovered another would-be anthem for the “hold my nose and vote for Romney” contingent of the Republican party- the vast majority. This one was unusual in that it used a contemporary pop tune that was not 40 or more years old. Still, plagiarism is plagiarism.
Only Lies (Sung to the tune of ‘Fireflies’ by Owl City)
You have to believe my lies
You can do it if you try
Said Mitt Romney to a crowd of sheep
I’ll turn a profit there
Don’t ask if I really care,
You'd think me rude
But I never learned to share
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth warms slowly
It's hard to say but I'd rather stay
Walking in my sleep
'Cause everything is black and white, not green
'Cause I'd get a thousand shrugs
From ten thousand NRA thugs
As they tried to teach me how to shoot
An emptiness in my head
A commie beneath my bed
Illegal aliens are stealing all my bread
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth warms slowly
It's hard to say but I'd rather stay
Walking in my sleep
'Cause everything is black and white, not green
It’s just the common touch I lack
(Please take me away from here)
‘I’m just a wealthy, boorish hack
(Please take me away from here)
I hope I can count on all you sheep
(Please take me away from here)
How 'bout Louis Gohmert as my Veep?
Women, I don’t despise
Do not believe the lies
I never told them all to go to hell
I own a million cars,
But I don’t know where they are
Ted Nugent is my favorite wingnut star
I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth warms slowly
It's hard to say but I'd rather stay
Walking in my sleep
'Cos everything is black and white, not green
Apologies to Owl City, John Lennon, Paul McCartney, Sam Cooke and the other Bruce... and to y'all. Thanks. This was the bomb...