When you start accepting humanity's flaws, you realze that at some point in our lives, we all liked a Will Smith song.
If you leave your iphone unattended I will tell Siri to kill you in your sleep.
One of my biggest fears is being judged solely on my UPS signatures.
Hey, Jesus, that Footprints poem is beautiful and shit, but how 'bout you don't let me get beaten to the point where you have to carry me.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say "There, their, they're."
Being an alcoholic is the perfect marriage of problem and solution.
I found the family's notes for my surprise birthday party! Sounds like a good time, anyone ever ate at a place called The Intervention?
I think the meaning of life is learning to love unconditionally and eventually ascending to a higher vibration. Fuck, I'm so hungry.
If you hold a red solo cup to your ear, you can hear a future college dropout doing a keg stand.
If you're often offended or hurt by words online, try the Amish Immersion Therapy, A.K.A. Getting the Fuck Off the Internet.