Stegosaurus Newtii: Next Stop - the Fossil Record, but first, North Carolina...
Word has reached us from the Delawarian plain that Stegosaurus newtii, once self-proclaimed as the inevitable GOPasaur nominee, may finally be realizing what voters, opponents, ex-wives, and pundits have known for eons: it's pretty much over. Hoping to extend his campaign to every physiographic province, culminating in a dino-on-dino melee in the miasmic swamps of Tampa, the wounded S. newtii instead lumbers on to North Carolina, delaying the inevitable, and annoying Tarheels.
Left with nothing in his treasure cave but a stash of glittery fossilized carbon trinkets, this sometime Cretaceous contender leaves in his wake throngs of unpaid vendors, caterers, suppliers, business associates, publishers, and other lifeforms who foolishly imagined that this two-faced creature's word was his bond.
By his side (as always) was his disturbingly implacable mate, Callistasaurus tiffanii, whose White Cave ambitions may have to yield to the distressing reality of S. newtii with a whole lot more free time and a really bad attitude. Undaunted by her mate's appalling primary results, C. tiffanii maintained her trademark smile (or perhaps, given the Botox injections, she was livid; hard to tell) and perfect coiffure.
Speculation has arisen that this third-time-is-a-charm consort of the oft-mated S. newtii was the power behind the campaign. Early campaign missteps (taking a Greek cruise the week of the campaign launch - seriously?), absences from the campaign trail (for book readings and French horn performances?) and rapid turnover of campaign staff have been laid at the elegantly pedicured feet of C. tiffanii. Unfair? Perhaps. But you know that S. newtii is not one to absolve others of the blame for his own failings.
Follow along below the coprolite for more...
Facing a future in the ranks of the unemployed, S. newtii clearly dreads the prospect of having to actually work for pay to maintain his (or really, C. tiffanii's) lavish lifestyle. The fossil record has shown that this creature's financial survival to date has been the result of shameless of reliance on others, cowardly evasion of military responsibility, and hyper-inflation of educational and intellectual credentials.
Given his bombastic interpersonal style, future employers are already looking askance at S. newtii. The Jurassic Janitorial Association has reportedly rebuffed his request for an executive position, as has the Saurian Society for Socioeconomic Justice. Calls to a number of elite academic institutions have gone unanswered.
Without C. tiffanii's part time work as a French horn player, this one-time power couple would be cashing in their upscale urban indoor lifestyle for a pup tent and a latrine. But fear not, fossil friends, for we know that S. newtii will prevail upon one of his long-suffering offspring or business associates for a few months of room and board as he ponderously ponders his next move.
Those lifeforms calling for S. newtii to drop out of the GOPasaur campaign note that although Brontosaurus romneii was loathed by all creatures who have had the misfortune of encountering him, he is, lamentably, the nominee-apparent.
Forensic accountants have also unearthed invoices for S. newtii's Secret Servasaurus protection details, which amount to a staggering $40,000 per day, or enough money to feed starving many a starving Mesozoic family unit. Loopholes in government policy (perhaps crafted by S. newtii himself) provide for protection of campaign contenders who meet certain threshold criteria, among them the denial of prevailing reality.
With the confluence of these forces, it was clearly time for S. newtii to follow in the icky footsteps of Struthiomimus Santorum, whose departure from the proceedings crushed the spirit of the already-despondent Baggasaurs.
These hapless creatures, still reeling from being played like a violin by Griftasaurus palinii and Gropasaurus hermanii, are having a Bad Era Indeed. While S. newtii is not their phenotype, he was viewed by some as the best hope of forcing the soul-less B. romneii from the race. It remains to be seen whether the Baggasaurs will embrace B. romneii or simply stay at home, seething in their heavily fortified caves, resigned to another four years of Obamasaurus Rex.
Wed Apr 25, 2012 at 7:59 AM PT: "Sources" confirm that S. newtii will "suspend" his campaign next week, and will endorse uber-enemy B. romneii. These same sources also confirm, to the surprise of no one, that we have not seen or heard the last of S.newtii. The Grim Reaper of Political Extinction is expecting overtime pay for this extra effort. An un-named source suggests that he would accept a necklace made from fossilized carbon trinkets.