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It's that time again - yesterday was one of those frantically busy days, it was utterly exhausting..

Let's start where it began, first..

I am living together with my fiancé almost 2 years now (about 6 months in our own flat). He has PTSD, many hospital stays in the past and a severe trauma because of his experiences in war in the American army. I have mental illness, too which I have to live with and what makes things different for me for that reason alone.
We met in the clinic and we both quickly realized, that we want to share our lives together. I like to remember this early time - not without pain in the last weeks - very much. Of course we were still head over heels in love, but from the beginning of our relationship it was a very special one, not only to me. We both thought that we found the "one" for us. For me our relationship was special because from the beginning there was great trust, great understanding and great conversation. To all of those the last months left their marks. I love my partner very much, unfortunately I am pushed to my limits...

... for better understanding, why, I think yesterday is a good example:
After one week of him remaining silent, being isolated and ignoring me, and telling me that he feels depressed after all (even though he couldn't tell why) today was the straw that broke the camel's back...

Yesterday he told me that he feels a "Todestrieb" (death/suicidal drive), that he feels very bad. After a long shopping-marathon, I needed short time for me, just one short downtime. We had long discussions and after we reached home I told him, that I just go outside because I need one moment for myself, to think about some things. And I did so (which I have never done before). I went out of the city in my car and was standing in the dark, thinking .. I thought about his behavior (to me), which hurts the most. He often told me, that I have nothing to do with his bad feeling, but he also changed his behavior (no hugging, no closeness..). But it hurts anyhow, that he does so - out of the blue, without knowing why.
Anyway, I came home after about one hour - and he wasn't at home (no notice from him, where he is, he did not take his mobile with him..). Instead our dog alone in the corridor. Then it came to my mind what he told me this day and I was terrified, worrying about him.
First I called a friend and she encouraged me to call the emergency or something like that. After not getting hold of someone at the crisis line and after calling the clinic emergency with the same efforts, I decided to call the police. Already after about 20 minutes, 5 police officers visited me and asked me some questions about him. They were very friendly and helpful, they started to search for him immediately. After about 2 hours two of them came to me again and asked some questions again and wanted to start the search with a "Suchhund" (mantrailer). Then suddenly he was standing outside. Of course he was drunk (he is an alcoholic..) and then upset because of 5 police officers standing in front of him.
Because of his trauma he overreacted then. After a discussion with one police man he finally was ready to go with them to the clinic where a doctor should decide if he pose a danger for himself (or others). Of course my first thought (after being relieved that he is well) was, that this situation is not good for him - but what should I have done else?

After he spoke to the doctor in the clinic, who told me, that he is out of danger (not for sure, but as he saw it) we went home. While we were driving home he blamed me for calling the police without understanding (just a little bit) why I was so worried about him,  no comment why he didn't leave me a notice and the nice sentence that it is nothing to me, where he was.

I am at a loss, helpless by now. I gave him the time he needed for himself, I left him alone, now and then I brought him something to eat, brought him sweets, did the chores, cared for the dog and everything else.. anytime in this week I asked him, why he doesn't speak to me and became figuratively a slap in the face with the only thing he said - he feels like inquisition / or "Stasi", because I would be asking the same questions on and on again..

As I said, I am helpless. I don't know how to react "the right way" in those moments. This time I just kept my appointments, did the chores, everything on my own without including him (except asking him, if he wants to come with me and take the dog out yet). The point is I am much worried about his health in those situations, because he doesn't eat, sleep, etc. (and he is not 20 anymore..) and he should not drink alcohol.

After this evening I wonder if I am too much worried about him. On the other hand I know that he had an attempted suicide (few years ago), sometimes he "forgets" to take his medics, he overindulges himself and then yesterday his "Todestrieb".

I don't know what to do, wondering if I could do anything at all.
Furthermore I have to deal with my own problems / illness and have to care for myself a little bit, and I cannot do so on days like yesterday. He is my fiancé and of course I am worried about him (not only in times like these).

The police officer told me that it was the right decision to call them, it was a bit helpful, but his behavior tells a different story..

Maybe someone out there knows about such situations, has experiences, advice how to react in those times. Of course I will read in other diaries here, which could help me also.
Certainly I forgot some things to tell here, I did not tell the whole previous history, but maybe someone here can help me, anyway. I would be thankful for any advice, any answer I would appreciate.

Thanks a lot!

StellaSophie

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