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Bill Maher had another excellent New Rule last Friday, blasting the sensationalist media coverage over the Secret Service prostitution scandal, and its coverage of sex scandals in general when it comes to politicians.

The only politics we understand is scandal, and the only scandal we understand is sex.  Look at the primaries.  Newt Gingrich, over his long career, has committed every crime in Dante's Inferno except grave robbing, and that's just because shoveling is work.  But why is he ineligible for high office?  Adultery.

Or take Herman Cain, the lovable huckster who said things like, "No bill in Congress should be more than three pages long."  Every time he opened his mouth, something frighteningly stupid, factually inaccurate, or mathematically impossible would fall out.  And the media just stood around and said, "Hey wow, he's the frontrunner!"  But as soon as a woman came forward with some dirt, say hello to Woodward and Bernstein.

....

John Edwards' favorability rating is 3%, the worst ever recorded.  Is he really the worst person in the world ever?  The crime he's accused of is a campaign finance violation.  But thanks to the Supreme Court, last week Mitt Romney's super PAC was able to get a $10 million dollar anonymous donation.  For all we know, it came from Vladimir Putin, or Mel Gibson, or Kim Dotcom.  The Supreme Court did a lot more to corrupt campaign finance than John Edwards.  (wild audience applause)

Video and full transcript below the fold.


And finally, New Rule: If the media is going to cover all the sordid details of the Secret Service prostitution scandal for yet another week, it has to start its stories with "Dear Penthouse, I never thought this would happen to me...."

Now as you may know, the reason President Obama had made that trip to Colombia was to discuss hemispheric security with Mexico, where a narco civil war has killed over 50,000... oh, who the fuck am I kidding, a secret agent had sexy time with a lady!!  And I'll bet she had boobies too!  And you know who else is from Colombia?  The Modern Lady Family!  And this has been the CBS Evening News.  I mean, the Modern Family lady.

Oh yes, it's easy to make fun of the media, and there's a good reason for that.  They suck.  I watched the three network news broadcasts Monday night, this is what they covered.  First, the weather, which isn't news, and can be better handled by the local news team, which gives you an idea of how deep that is.  After the weather, the heirs to Kronkite and Murrow reported about a Japanese kid who lost his soccer ball in the tsunami, and now it washed up over here!  Then they did a story about World Peace.  Not the issue, the basketball player.  And then, I shit you not, a story about how highway traffic in California was delayed because a family of ducks was trying to cross the road.  You stay classy, San Diego.

But of course, all these stories took a backseat to the Secret Service scandal, which pretends to be about something important like the President's security, but really, it's just an excuse to show this picture and call it breaking news.

It's like Telemundo for people who speak English.

The only politics we understand is scandal, and the only scandal we understand is sex.  Look at the primaries.  Newt Gingrich, over his long career, has committed every crime in Dante's Inferno except grave robbing, and that's just because shoveling is work.  But why is he ineligible for high office?  Adultery.

Or take Herman Cain, the lovable huckster who said things like, "No bill in Congress should be more than three pages long."  Every time he opened his mouth, something frighteningly stupid, factually inaccurate, or mathematically impossible would fall out.  And the media just stood around and said, "Hey wow, he's the frontrunner!"  But as soon as a woman came forward with some dirt, say hello to Woodward and Bernstein.

Or take the John Edwards trial.  Please.  That story is so big this week, TIME magazine didn't even put Jesus on the cover.  Oh yes, stories like that bring out the "People have a right to know!" fervor in our intrepid reporters.  In fact, they dug so deep into Edwards' scandal, we actually learned that he went down on his mistress when she was pregnant.  He didn't want to, but she convinced him her vagina had a mirror in it.

Now John Edwards....  John Edwards' favor....  (audience and panelists cracking up)  A mirror in it!

S.E. CUPP: I can't un-see that!

I know, I'm sorry.  John Edwards' favorability rating is 3%, the worst ever recorded.  Is he really the worst person in the world ever?  The crime he's accused of is a campaign finance violation.  But thanks to the Supreme Court, last week Mitt Romney's super PAC was able to get a $10 million dollar anonymous donation.  For all we know, it came from Vladimir Putin, or Mel Gibson, or Kim Dotcom.  The Supreme Court did a lot more to corrupt campaign finance than John Edwards.  (wild audience applause)

Why do we punish sex so much more than everything else?  Clinton lied about a blowjob, and got impeached.  Bush lied about a war, didn't.  (audience applause)  I can't help but think that if an alien landed in America tomorrow, the first thing he would say would be... well, the first thing he would say would be, "Hey, Mitt Romney, great to see you again!  How's that human exoskeleton holding up?"  But after that, the alien would say, "Is there no end to your childish fixation with pee-pees and wee-wees?"

Even Rick Santorum was fascinating to us because of sex, albeit in reverse, that someone could be that sexually repressed.  Because I must admit, I never worried Rick would have an affair, I worried he'd dress up as his mother and kill women in a motel.

Oh, now that Romney is effectively the nominee (sorry Ron Paul fans), Bill Maher also had a tribute to all the failed Republican candidates.

Originally posted to BruinKid on Sun Apr 29, 2012 at 06:00 AM PDT.

Also republished by Electronic America: Progressives Film, music & Arts Group.

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