Skip to main content

This year I turned sixty and I don't know shit. Jonah Goldberg (scion of the always delightful Lucianne Goldberg) is forty-two and he knows everything. Indeed, his "CV" indicates he's known everything for a really really long time. Consequently, Jonah Goldberg is on TV and I'm sitting in my garage looking at my dog. I used to think I knew shit, but I've either forgotten it all, or I really didn't ever know any shit at all. It's important to know shit in America. Otherwise you're just another American loser. Like me. I know I'm a loser because I don't know shit like Jonah Goldberg. Jonah knows shit.

Why don't I know shit like Jonah Goldberg? How and when did everything go so wrong for me? I'm pretty sure the wheels came off in graduate school. Some "professor" brainwashed me into believing that meaningful analysis requires years of study, well-reasoned critical thought, and intellectual honesty. What a fucker. Indeed, all my "professors," were intellectual knaves who filled my head with very very bad ideas. They weren't like Jonah Goldberg. They were fiends, and I never really had a chance. Maybe in their floating dream world of tenure they didn't know what Jonah Goldberg knows: that you can make it in America by pulling disparate bits of gibberish out of your ass, string them together with rhetorical tricks learned from your mom, and create something called "instant analysis."

Jonah Goldberg knows you can get paid to practice this dark art on the TV, that they'll let you go to the front of the buffet line at the American Enterprise Institute, and they'll applaud when you burp your gassy insights and marvel at your ability to draw connections that are simply beyond the ability of elite "intellectual" types. (Example: American progressivism is really American fascism. Why? Come on, any American with horse-sense can see it clearly. Adolph Hitler and Franklin Roosevelt came to power at the same time in the early 1930's and so are--obviously--completely interchangeable. If Hitler and Roosevelt are interchangeable, then fascism and progressivism are interchangeable. Thus, progressivism is inherently fascistic. Presto!) Now that's the shit I'm talking about. That's the prime Jonah Goldberg shit.

I want some of that shit. I want to make arguments that require only a handful of discreet and disparate data points conducted across a thin beady thread of conservative night sweats. I want to dismiss the rigors of historical analysis and the demands of context. I want to erect an army of straw men, conduct ad hominem assaults, live in a Manichean universe, stumble down the slippery slope, revel in tautologies, dream in false analogies, and always always always confuse association with causation. No, I don't want to do the real work, I want that good Jonah Goldberg shit.

Of course, Jonah Goldberg really shouldn't be singled out. Jonah Goldberg just dipped his National Review issued ladle into a flowing river of the good shit. Dipped it in the holy river of pundit shit that flows ceaselessly. No, I shouldn't single Jonah Goldberg out, but it's just that he's just so darned appealing. If they sold Jonah Goldberg at the Sanrio store I'd buy him for the grandchildren.

End of rant

EMAIL TO A FRIEND X
Your Email has been sent.
You must add at least one tag to this diary before publishing it.

Add keywords that describe this diary. Separate multiple keywords with commas.
Tagging tips - Search For Tags - Browse For Tags

?

More Tagging tips:

A tag is a way to search for this diary. If someone is searching for "Barack Obama," is this a diary they'd be trying to find?

Use a person's full name, without any title. Senator Obama may become President Obama, and Michelle Obama might run for office.

If your diary covers an election or elected official, use election tags, which are generally the state abbreviation followed by the office. CA-01 is the first district House seat. CA-Sen covers both senate races. NY-GOV covers the New York governor's race.

Tags do not compound: that is, "education reform" is a completely different tag from "education". A tag like "reform" alone is probably not meaningful.

Consider if one or more of these tags fits your diary: Civil Rights, Community, Congress, Culture, Economy, Education, Elections, Energy, Environment, Health Care, International, Labor, Law, Media, Meta, National Security, Science, Transportation, or White House. If your diary is specific to a state, consider adding the state (California, Texas, etc). Keep in mind, though, that there are many wonderful and important diaries that don't fit in any of these tags. Don't worry if yours doesn't.

You can add a private note to this diary when hotlisting it:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from your hotlist?
Are you sure you want to remove your recommendation? You can only recommend a diary once, so you will not be able to re-recommend it afterwards.
Rescue this diary, and add a note:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary from Rescue?
Choose where to republish this diary. The diary will be added to the queue for that group. Publish it from the queue to make it appear.

You must be a member of a group to use this feature.

Add a quick update to your diary without changing the diary itself:
Are you sure you want to remove this diary?
(The diary will be removed from the site and returned to your drafts for further editing.)
(The diary will be removed.)
Are you sure you want to save these changes to the published diary?

Comment Preferences

Subscribe or Donate to support Daily Kos.

Click here for the mobile view of the site