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A recent unexpected death at work got me thinking about what do you tell someone who has lost a spouse or fiance that would help them know what to expect out of the next year or so. So I jotted down a few notes that appear below.
The thing about losing a spouse or significant other is that it sucks. And it's going to suck for a long time.
First, people will be really nice for the first month. And then after that most of them have moved on and feel uncomfortable if you haven't. They aren't bad people, they just haven't had their entire life destroyed before, so they really don't understand. Some of them will try to guilt you into shutting up about your grief. As someone who has been there, there are times when your needs take precedence and this is one of those times. My destroyed life trumps your uncomfortable. So don't expect me to shut up or not cry or be happy. It ain't happening.
Expect to feel unhappy and cry much more easily than you normally do. I cried at work every day for over a year and at home for much longer than that. I cried in public places and when people used a phrase that my beloved would use or when I was some place where we had been together. Sometimes I didn't even know what triggered me to start crying.
As rule, strangers tend to be very nice when you tell them you are grieving and that's why you are such a puddle of goo. So if you feel like crying in the grocery store, people around you will generally understand. And if they don't, well, you probably won't ever see them again.
At work find a private place where you can cry if you need to. I was lucky to have a cubicle in the back against the wall where people didn't see me cry daily. The guy who sat next to me pretended not to notice to give me some privacy.
People will surprise you. Some people that you would never have expected to step up will be really supportive and helpful. Sadly some people you thought would be supportive will act as if grief was catching.
It is especially hard to stop being one of a couple because your social life tends to be with other couples. They often stop inviting you to things saying, "Well she (or he) wouldn't be comfortable if everyone else is a couple." Truth is, they are often really thinking that they wouldn't feel comfortable with you around to remind them of how easily someone can stop being part of a couple.
Litlle gestures mean a lot. A box of chocolates, a card, a hug, dinner out that you don't have to pay for. These things mean a lot. I think the gesture that stands out in my mind was the co-worker who told the client, "I think you missed the part about bereavement leave" when they wanted me to come in and do just this one thing.
If you've lost a spouse or significant other, finances are going to be an issue. I know you don't want to deal with it right away, but the sooner the better. If you aren't married and/or there is no will, you may really have major problems to deal with. Get someone to help and support you through the financial/legal stuff.
If your financial situation allows it, try not to make too many other major life-changing decisions for a few months. You aren't thinking really clearly and it helps to put off any major change that you can put off.
I'm sure you have already noticed that it feels like someone whacked you in the chest with an axe. Heartbroken is a physical feeling not just a phrase. The only way out is to find a reason to keep on living. It might be your kids or grandkids or pets or job or some charity work, but find something.
When you live with someone, you make compromises. When that person dies, you don't need to make those same compromises anymore. But you may for awhile out of habit or you may feel guilty when you do something your partner would not have wanted. Even minor things like rearranging the kitchen may make you feel guilty.
But it's ok to stop making compromises or to make changes in your life. Your life was destroyed, you have to rebuilt it somehow and you can't ever make it the same again. So don't even try. Keeping things the same may extend the grief. When things look different or are done differently, they may not remind you so much of the other person. So the days may become less painful to get through (gradually though, there is no magic secret to get past the hurt quickly).
There's so much stuff to deal with. But take it at your own pace. Four years later, I still haven't managed to clean his stuff out of the attics. Most people I know start with the bedroom closet. Many of us paint and redecorate the bedroom first. But you don't have to start today or even next week. You'll feel ready to tackle it when you are ready. And it's ok to do things in small chunks.
Ask friends and family for help if you want to get started and can't. Don't feel that everything has to be done all at once either. If you want the stuff gone and can't face it yourself, ask someone to do it for you. People do want to do something to help when people they care about are hurting. Let them.
Depending on the terms of the will or lack of a will, you may not own everything you are used to thinking you own. This is especially true for second spouses, fiances and people who were living together. When whoever does own those things comes by to get it, make sure you have someone with you as it hurts to watch them go through your house and take things, even things you don't want. I got the house, but his kids got the stuff in the house and they came by and took what they wanted. I was lucky, they didn't want the bed or the refrigerator or the washer/dryer. But still it was hard to watch and not have a say. If you can't watch and leave the house, make sure they know what things in the house you bought that are off limits. The worse your relationship is with the people who get some of the stuff in your home, the more you should probably stay. Unfortunately, many people find that they move to the status of "not part of the family" very quickly.
Find a grief counselor or group or a good friend that you can talk to honestly about your feelings and how you are doing. If you were previously diagnosed as depressed or bipolar, make going to see a counselor a high priority as that can complicate grief. I also found that writing about my grief and my feelings helped. There will be things that you just don't feel like you can say out loud, it is better to write them than to let them fester.
Funerals bring out the best and the worst in people with apparently no middle ground. People who annoyed you before the death will be 3 times as annoying now. Some of that is their lack of empathy and some of that is your own projection. And some of it is that different people grieve differently. I know it hard, but try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume it is because they have a different style of grieving than you. Even if it isn't true, staying angry about them generally only hurts you.
Grief changes you. It can make you bitter and unpleasant or it can give you more compassion. It's up to you to decide how you will react long term.
My condolences to you and I'm sorry you have to go through this.