I've been pondering Jade Sylvan's impressive list 30 Things Every Woman Should Know by Age 30. Mostly, I wish I had a list like this for myself when I was in my twenties. So why not make one?
For the most part, I would do this by adopting Ms. Sylvan's list, tearing out three that I think aren't apropos. (Most men don't wear make-up, which makes #25 not so useful. Most men learn to pee outdoors as kids, which obviates #20. And to be quite honest, I doubt any woman is comfortable enough with any man so that any man will need #8.)
Then I would add the following (after the bump):
Then, I would add these to the mens' list:
- How to really listen to women and ask them for advice, and not just about relationships. Most guys aren't aware of this, but they tend to think that they're smarter than a given woman on subject X. There's a word for it - mansplaining - and it's actually terribly annoying. Actually listening will help you to avoid this. Asking your female friends to point out to you when you're doing this (and giving them permission to smack you when you are) is also helpful.
- How to be friends, and just friends, with a woman. A lot of guys in their 20s think this is impossible. However, not only is being friends (and just friends) with a woman possible, but by your thirties, this is, in fact, mandatory. Not doing this in our egalitarian society will put severe limits on your career, your social life, and your cultural life. Start with learning how to listen to women (see above) and move on from there.
- How to get out of the "friendzone." Note the quotes here. The fact is that there's no such thing as the friendzone. Guys who claim this are effectively talking themselves out of something good (see point two of the Ms. Sylvan's post above). The fact is, if you are friends (just friends) with a woman, if neither of you are committed to someone else, and if you find them attractive, there is always a path to something more. Consider with this: "I think you're special and I'd like to get to know you better...would you care to join me for (movie) at (time)?" If she asks whether it's a date, be honest: "Yes, I'm asking you on a date - just a date." You might be surprised at who jumps at the offer.
Do not pour out your heart at her. That's creepy. Just ask her on a date first.
If she turns down your offer, accept it and move on. Yes, unrequited love sucks. Part of being a grown man is learning how to deal with it. Have a beer and a shot and sigh and move the fuck on.
Lastly, if you were friends with her just because you wanted to have sex with her - you probably weren't being honest with her. Which means you weren't really being that good of a friend in the first place.
Then, I would add these, to both the mens' list and the ladies' list:
- How to troubleshoot anything. This is an extension of #22. Understand what the symptoms are. Divide the system with the issue into pieces. Examine each one, eliminating them in turn until you find the likely culprit. Address the likely culprit. Test safely. Treat the system as suspect until you're reasonably sure that the symptoms are gone. It's not foolproof but it's a reasonably good algorithm. Being expert at this particular skill will go a long way towards helping you fix anything.
- How to ask questions if you're lost. You might feel like you have to be the expert at everything. You don't. You should be the expert at some things by age 30, like mathematics or Java programming. But for things where you don't know the answer, you should know how to swallow your pride and go and find the answer from an expert, or from Google. Also, see #28.
- How to write clearly. The written word is king of the Internet and of corporate communications. Knowing how to write clearly is therefore a survival skill. It will help you to instruct your cohorts, impress your superiors, and even to cover your ass.
- How to use your bullshit filters. There is a lot of information out there in the world, and most of it is pure bullshit. People are trying to sell you things all the time, whether it's soap or a political or religious ideology. Pick your sources carefully. The mainstream media aren't going to be completely honest with you, because they have a corporate agenda. However, they're almost always a better, more accurate resource than IndyMedia, FreeRepublic, or Infowars.
By the way, don't assume that you have good bullshit filters just because you're smart. There are way too many smart people out there who never develop adequate bullshit filters, and think that their having an IQ of X and a GPA of Y is adequate protection from bullshit. It isn't. In my experience, trained, highly capable mathematicians are in fact the worst at this, and the most defensive about it.
What would you add?
EDIT Quoting my friend Amanda, who commented on my FaceBook page:
I would add: "how to argue with logic as opposed to emotion as a means of defending your point" and "how to recognize the validity of emotions, even if they're illogical" and finally "how to break up with someone without being an asshole". I'm pretty sure these could be affixed to both lists.
Damn, she's good. Reposted with permission.