Following today's reports of a Yemen-based underwear bombing plot thwarted by CIA operatives, TSA officials have acted swiftly and rationally to ensure the safety of all American airline passengers.
Beginning tomorrow (May 8) at 7 a.m. EST, passengers will no longer be permitted to wear undergarments of any kind on all domestic flights originating from within the contiguous United States.
The new guidelines, hastily but carefully written by Security Operations officials, were posted this afternoon on TSA's widely-read blog, Keeping You Safe – One Invasive Restriction at a Time. The guidelines, intended for TSA employees and made available as a reference for civilian passengers, noted the following:
All forms of underwear are now forbidden on domestic flights originating from within the contiguous United States. This ban includes:
- Both boxers and briefs
- G-strings & thongs (as well as the low-riding jeans meant to expose them)
- All Bras for women under the age of 40
- Diapers, both infant and adult
- Stadium Pals
TSA employees will check passengers for forbidden garments at all security checkpoints stationed outside of the requisite domestic arrival gates.
Any passenger found to be in breach of the new restrictions will be required to step out of line, disrobe and comply immediately before the nervous, hurried masses (so as to ensure maximal embarrassment as a deterrent for future breaches).
When asked why such restrictions would not apply to flights departing from either Alaska or Hawai'i, TSA Administrator John Pistole explained:
We determined that it would be unreasonable to expect Alaskans to part with their thermals, and our understanding – and this comes from those security officials who execute strip searches – is that most Hawaiians typically don't wear underwear to begin with.
Passengers at airports throughout the country seemed conflicted about the new guidelines. Mary Olinsky of San Francisco, who was selling shirts outside SFO International that read
Poop is Patriotic, has this to say when asked about the restrictions: "Look, if my baby has to shit her pants in order to keep terrorists from killing us, so be it."
But Dave Norburg of Miami, waiting for a delayed flight in LaGuardia, paced angrily after reading the guidelines and growled, "If we let the terrorists take away our boxers, then we're letting them win."
Christopher McLaughlin, TSA's Assistant Administrator for Security Operations, explained that passengers would not just get used to the new restrictions, but would come to appreciate them:
Sure, it may seem like a hassle. But when people realize how grave this underwear threat is, and how important it is for us to come together as a collective and take the necessary precautions to keep everyone safe, it'll become accepted.
McLaughlin advised that, due to additional wait times, people should start arriving for flights three to four hours before their departure time. "At least until everyone gets used to this and stops wearing underwear," he added.
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Author's Note:
The inspiration for this piece came from an Andy Borowitz Tweet:
Breaking: TSA Bans All Passenger Underwear.